Survivor: Philippines...Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor's Booby Trap

     My favorite hypocrites are the religious ones. They cloak themselves in Christianity, which they seem to believe empowers them to sit in self-righteous judgement of others. While they can be intensely annoying when they park themselves at my dining room table on Christmas Day and proceed to criticize everything, including the people feeding them, they can have incredible entertainment value when parading their hypocrisy on reality television.

     This is Roxy. She is a seminary student *snickers* who woke up on her fifth day in the Philippines and declared Matsing's resident cuddlers, Malcolm and Angie, a dangerous pair that needed to be separated. She proceeded to recruit Russell to her cause, which seemed to be fueled more by jealousy than strategy, her arguments in support of her case including statements like, "It's like Miss America all day long" and "They (Malcolm and Angie) are up each other's butts". Not exactly compelling, is it?

     The chronic malcontent's best chance to save herself was the Immunity Challenge, where she flat out refused to run a second leg, citing water deficiency as if her fellow tribe members were not suffering from the same affliction. Matsing's subsequent loss, despite Denise's decent puzzle calling skills which kept the tribe competitive, ratcheted tensions at camp, where Roxy, in all her hypocritical glory, actually tells Russell that Angie, who ran the second leg that Roxy refused, is lazy.

     The nonsense continued at Tribal Council, where Roxy (age 28) and Angie (age 20) engaged in escalating teenage girl verbal warfare. Roxy won the battle, labeling Malcolm's and Angie's professed brother/sister relationship "creepy", and, the coup de grace, announcing that Angie "booby trapped" Malcolm into an alliance. Roxy's immediate apology was insincere, being offered in the same tone that my teenage daughter and her teenage frenemies use on each other all the time, and was not enough to keep her from losing the war, her tribe sending her home with a unanimous vote.

     What's going on in the other tribes? Not much. In Tandang, Michael is sporting new injuries, Lisa's introverted ways are continuing to paste a rather large target on her back, and Abi is displaying disturbing cutthroat bitch tendencies with her threats regarding RC (to her face and behind her back). And, in Kalabaw, Jonathan ransacked the camp until he finally figured out where to find the hidden immunity idol, and Jeff is playing rock checkers in the rain and nursing his sore knee. All pretty tame compared to the drama in the Matsing camp.
     So, what's next for the beleaguered Matsing? I am inclined to agree with Russell. They need to "get their heads out of their butts, or go home". My money's on go home.

Survivor: Philippines...Following The Non-Leader

     I want them gone. All three of them. I've already seen them play this game, and, two of them, I had hoped to never have to see again. Yet, here they are, courtesy of the brain trust in charge of making these critical decisions (that would be Mark Burnett et. al), defiling the game and annoying the hell out of me.

     This is my current favorite, Jeff. There's a reason he didn't waste the summer as a feckless idiot over on Big Brother. He is not anybody's puppet. He is a survivor playing for a million dollars, and no "returning player" that's been foisted on his tribe by a double-dealing group of executive producers is going to be allowed to mess with the game that he signed up for. The first item of business on his agenda? Call a tribe meeting, minus the hasbeen (Jonathan Penner), and plot said hasbeen's demise. With a first place win in the Immunity Challenge and a plan to rid themselves of Jonathan at the first opportunity, the Kalabaw tribe is off to a good start.

     The same cannot be said of Matsing, the clear losers in the "returning player" lottery. They got stuck with Russell Swan, who informed them that he would not be their leader right before he started issuing orders. His tribe plotted to purge themselves of his incompetent "non-leadership", but dead weight Zane, who had to be dragged during his leg of the Immunity Challenge, scapegoated himself for the tribe's loss and volunteered to be the first survivor voted out. Russell caught a break this time, but if all the eye rolling and lip pursing at Tribal Council were any indication of Angie's and Roxy's true feelings for him, then it would certainly seem that his days are numbered.

     The only "returning player" currently with the proverbial snowball's chance is Michael Skupin, who has been warmly received by his fellow Tandangs and is allied with all of them. The only obstacle threatening his game at this point is his own terminal klutziness, which could get him removed from the game for medical reasons (again) unless he starts handling pointy objects with more caution and treads more carefully when he wanders the beach in his bare feet.

     It's too soon to form solid opinions of individual survivors, but, based on my first impressions of the tribes, Kalabaw is the most solid in terms of unity and is my pick to make it to the merge (or tribe shuffle) mostly intact, hopefully minus a hasbeen.
     So, what are your first impressions? Which tribe will dominate? Kalabaw or Tandang? How long will it take for Matsing to self-destruct under Russell's "non-leadership"? Or will they manage to cut him loose before his "redemption" becomes their termination? You've seen it. It's fair game. Let's talk about it.

Note: The amazing gif of Jeff is the work of the creative geniuses over at survivorsucks.yuku.com.

Big Brother 14...The Price Of Arrogance

     It seemed like Dan's game to lose. He had successfully perpetrated the longest con in the history of Big Brother and executed what many agree are the boldest moves the game has ever seen. So, what happened? The "master" made a mistake. He underestimated the impact that his lies, manipulations, and betrayals would have on the people in charge of his fate.

     Britney reminds us during the staged jury deliberations that Big Brother is a game without rules, but it is the heinous liar in the role of pot that cries foul, declaring the kettle to be in violation of the rules of life. Apparently, some acts of immorality are not to be tolerated when anyone other than Frank commits them.
     I have always opposed the decisions of emotional juries. I think that votes should be cast based on game play, not to avenge real or perceived wrongs. But, when a player behaves the way that Dan did last night, then jury nullification is the inevitable result.

     A successful player on any reality game show usually has a good social game. Dan either forgot this or deemed it unimportant when it counted the most. He was glib as he proudly acknowledged that he played a ruthless game and checked his morals at the door. He attempted to discredit Ian every time Ian spoke by talking over him or shaking his head in disagreement. He told a lie involving a jury member, which Ian immediately disputed. He shamelessly pandered to the jury while they were voting, showering them with compliments that rang with the same truth as everything else he spoke this season. He was overconfident, insincere, and he reeked of entitlement. And that's when I knew that he was going to lose.

     Ian was a justifiable alternative for the jury. He was everything that Dan was not. He spoke to them with respect, and from the heart. He could cite his competitive wins and moves that furthered his game, relying on "probability, statistics, and heart" rather than the practices often associated with a "dirty" game. His most compelling argument? Dan's advantage at the beginning of the game, being awarded "three lives" to Ian's "one". It was more than enough for a jury looking for valid reasons to not award Dan the prize money. And give those of us that opposed the vets being allowed to play this season a reason to celebrate.
     Anybody that wants me today knows where to find me.
     What's Fair Game now that Big Brother is ended? Survivor: Philippines, of course. I have a few choice words regarding those "returning players"...

Big Brother 14...The Long Con

This is Dan in full-on puppet whisperer mode.

People who are not immune to the power of Dan allow themselves to be talked into making moves that are detrimental to their own (and others') game. A recent example of this is Big Brother's resident loony, Danielle, falling victim to Dan's puppet whispering ways and handing him the power to decide her pretend future husband's fate in the game. The result?

This is Shane tattling to Julie about what a dirty player Dan is.

And this is Danielle, clearly shocked that Dan betrayed her.

The fallout? Shane shoved Dan, who appeared to be attempting to puppet whisper him (probably trying to secure his jury vote), on his way out the door. Dan did damage control with Danielle, claiming that he acted in her best interests. And Danielle did what all good little puppets do. She gave in to the power of Dan, thus perpetuating the long con that Dan began the moment that he entered the Big Brother house.

This is Dan attempting to puppet whisper his way to a Final HOH Round 1 victory.

This is Danielle, who has clearly not learned her lesson, letting him.

And this is the celebratory hug after Danielle threw the endurance competition to Dan.

Which leads us to the inevitable questions. Is the power of Dan really that strong? Strong enough to overcome what Shane's stalker would consider to be the ultimate betrayal of her trust? Dan may be the most gifted liar and manipulator to ever play a reality game show, but I don't think that even his power should have survived a betrayal like that undiminished in strength. Which brings us to...Is Danielle really that stupid? The answer to that, unfortunately, seems to be "yes". The upside? If Princess Diminished Capacity manages to win this game, she'll have access to the best therapeutic intervention that money can buy.

This is Ian not in his hammock for a change.

Whether Dan intends for Ian to survive to see the end of his long con or not, I can't count Ian out. He's a scrappy little puppet that really, really wants to win. He could be the obstacle that keeps Dan from his check. He's capable of winning comps and he's smart enough to figure out what Dan is really up to. The probability of an Ian upset? The same as a real Danielle and Shane romance.

Only five more days until Survivor starts.

Big Brother 14...Certifiable And In Charge

     So...The lunatic is now running the asylum. She is HOH and the holder of the most critical POV of the season, and must choose between the two temporary men in her temporary life.

     Will she use the POV to take Dan off the block, let Shane take his vacated perch, and leave Dan to evict either Shane or Ian? At this point, the answer seems to be "yes". She may have been whispered into believing that Shane will be safe while Dan bloodies his hands for her, taking out Ian. Or she may actually think that she has a better chance to win against Dan than Shane, and is willing to let Dan do the dirty work, eliminating Shane. Who knows what thoughts are running amok through the tangle of crazy that passes for her mind. Regardless of whatever is going on in there, my money's on Dan to walk away from the block with the power to eliminate Shane tonight.

     Ian's best shot at surviving the block tonight is the last shred of sanity gasping for air somewhere in the darkness of obsessive unrequited love roiling inside of the nutjob in charge of his fate. He better hope that that shred of sanity hollers real loud (and often) and reminds Danielle that there's a huge pile of money at stake, otherwise her pretend future husband is going to send him to hell, where Britney, Boogie, and Frank will, no doubt, make him so miserable that no amount of rocking will calm him. Ian needs Danielle to play to win and choose Dan, and then he needs Dan to perceive Shane as the bigger threat to his victory.
     What do I need? CBS to give us the game that Big Brother used to be before Allison Grodner "fixed" it.
     Only six more days until Survivor starts.

Big Brother 14...Enough Already

     Just like that, what had been a shoddy rerun of last season became trash that required a strong stomach and impaired hearing to watch. And all it took was the adolescent narcissism braying and cackling from my television to accomplish it.

     That's right. Allison Grodner can't seem to control whatever urge it is that compels her to foist hasbeens on us. First it was the four vets that strutted in on day one posing as "coaches". Then we had to suffer another visit from that roidhead Jessie Godderz who paraded through the Big Brother house like a Magic Mike castoff desperate for work. After that atrocity, Sunday night was just too much for my already sorely tested gag reflex to take. Pandora's Box belched up a prerecorded Rachel Reilly at her most obnoxious instead of Ian's parents, and he wasn't the only one who wanted to vomit.
     If CBS can't or won't retire (terminate) Allison Grodner, can someone (anyone) please make her retire Pandora's Box? It's bad enough that the hasbeens are allowed to come in through the front door. They shouldn't be allowed to skulk in (electronically or in person) via a closet in the HOH room.

     The rest of Sunday night's episode was dedicated to showcasing the power of puppet whisperer Dan. Unfortunately for the remaining puppets, it also cast them in a pretty unflattering light, especially Jenn. She knew Dan for the double dealer that he is when he didn't renom Shane after Ian won the POV during Dan's HOH reign on Thursday night. To my knowledge, she has not used this information to try to save herself, and can't (legitimately) blame anyone but herself when she gets evicted later today.

     That will leave us with a Quack Pack final four *gags* whose members will be picked off by its leader on his way to pick up his check. Whether Dan will bloody his own hands or whisper at his puppets until they bloody theirs is the only unknown at this point.
     Only eight more days until Survivor starts.

Big Brother 14...Good Riddance To A Vile Puppet

     He began life in the Big Brother house as a puppet. He ended it as the fool who succumbed to the power of Dan. In the interim, he told a vicious lie, enjoyed salvation from certain eviction thanks to that meddling busybody Allison Grodner, cheated during competitions (and got away with it), and ultimately expedited his own transfer to the jury house by failing to become a real player, choosing instead to obey his Grodner given master, Mike Boogie.

     It took five weeks longer than it should have--I'm glaring at you again, executive producer from the land of incompetents--but Frank is FINALLY gone. Please commence celebrating in whatever way you deem appropriate.

     Which reminds me...What possessed Julie Chen to conduct her post eviction interview with Frank in the hushed tones of someone consoling the grievously wronged? What she should have been doing is calling him to account for his many sins (including his shameless, and a little bit creepy, hijacking of Boogie's clothes from storage) with a disdain equal to his vileness. Add that sham of an interview to the rather long list of the ways that this season has failed to live up to its own standards.

     The perpetual thrower of competitions actually managed an HOH win last night, killing my wish to see his butt parked on Julie's couch right after Frank. Dan's short reign was not a total loss, however. I will never again have to listen to that obnoxious troublemaker Joe hollering at me from my television. I can live with that.

     What I can't live with is Ian allowing his HOH reign to be commandeered by puppet whisperer Dan. Ian should be masterminding Dan's demise, not renegading around with him and planning to nominate Jenn and Shane according to Dan's manipulations. *sighs* Add Ian to the short list of puppets (Shane and Frank) who became real players, only to revert to their original puppet state.

     Although it galls me to admit it, this game is Dan's to lose. He's running the house and has alliances to cover all contingencies. And no one left in the game seems to be aware of it, or care enough to do anything about it.
     The good news? There are only twelve more days until Survivor starts.

Big Brother 14...Quack On, For Now

                                                                        Three down.

                                                                          One to go.

     

     Dan gave an Oscar worthy performance that brought his audience to tears, and then manipulated his arch nemesis into plotting his fellow Quack Packer's demise, saving himself from certain eviction. Many have said (and written) that this flash of brilliance has earned him Dr. Will's place as master of the Big Brother universe. I have acknowledged (with a considerable show of temper) that if he makes it to the end he deserves to win, which is why Ian needs to whip that sorry bunch of floaters and incompetents into a force able to resist Dan's uncanny ability to mindfuck anyone within range of the sound of his voice and send him to the jury house, where he can spend some quality time in awkward cohabitation with Britney and whoever is unfortunate enough to be stuck in there with them (in a perfect world, that would be Frank).

     Why Ian? Because he's my only hope. He is the only real player left in the game, except for Dan (who would make an excellent candidate for Thursday night's second eviction), and has acquired some excellent manipulative skills while living with two of the most gifted manipulators (Dan and Boogie) to ever play the game. He cut his own mentor's throat, which makes me think (hope) that he has it in him to use Dan and the Quack Pack one last time to rid the house of Frank (FINALLY), and then express his gratitude by orchestrating Dan's immediate exit and post eviction interview with Dan's buddy "Mrs. Chen".

     As long as I'm fantasizing things that will probably never come to pass, I might as well give Ian and his new alliance (Shane, Danielle, and Jenn) a name worthy of the task I want them to undertake. The Vigilantes has a nice ring to it, and it seems appropriate given the circumstances. The Vigilantes can avenge their fallen comrades, the poor newbies that were used and then discarded by the merciless vets who entered the house disguised as "coaches" and played their own game. 

     Yup, that's right. I'm still waiting for those Reeses Peanut Butter Cups to fall from the sky. Isn't that part of being a Big Brother fan? Wanting the impossible?

     So tell us what you're waiting for. And you might as well dream big. You never know.