Survivor: Caramoan...Crackpots R Us

So...It seems that crazy is contagious. What else would explain the continued support of the non compos mentis self-appointed leader of the Bikal tribe by its members? His "leadership" is not wanted and his fantasy role play is mocked, yet his instructions are followed, losses are suffered, and his reign continues. Phillip thinks he can pretend to be Boston Rob and win this game. Do his subordinates really think that they can play Phillip the way that Boston Rob did and win this game? If so, then dysfunctional thinking is communicable, and these people will be lucky to survive the Merge.

Except Cochran. He seems to be the only member of the Bikal tribe playing his own game rather than bumbling along as a pale imitation of Boston Rob. It may be true that Cochran pulls Phillip's strings on occasion, but he does it with a subtlety and humanity that Boston Rob lacked, making Cochran's only similarity to him easy to forgive.

The most irritatingly bothersome of Phillip's inferiors is Dawn, vying for Andrea's title of Biggest Blabbermouth. She reported directly to Phillip after Julia told her in strictest confidence that she had been assigned a top secret double agent mission and ordered not to discuss it with anyone. Julia may have been the boring one of the group, but she demonstrated her immunity to the Boston Rob Syndrome rampaging the Bikal camp when she challenged Dawn's delusions by proxy, questioning the tribe's subservience to an obvious headcase. Nothing, not even the use of the word 'bully', triggered Dawn's ability to think for herself, but was enough to put Julia in Phillip's cross-hairs when Dawn blabbed to him.

Which brings us to the Immunity Challenge that Phillip "confessed" to Cochran he threw to ensure that the tribe would go into the Merge with one less "fan" to threaten their numbers. He lied. He either blew the challenge and his pride wouldn't allow him to admit it because of the debacle his "leadership" created of the Reward Challenge, or he did indeed let Reynold beat him at Grappling Hook Toss, but it was not for the good of the tribe as he claimed, but to punish Julia for her insubordination.

Dissension in the ranks almost led to a reprieve for Julia when Corinne dared to defy Phillip and refused to split the "favorites" votes between Julia and Michael, outing her alliance with Michael and causing Phillip to target Michael because that is what the crazy in his head was telling him Boston Rob would do. But sanity (Cochran?) managed to prevail at Tribal Council, the tie that Corinne had not wanted forcing a second vote that unanimously booted the sixth "fan" from the game.

I hope that Boston Rob is proud of the travesty his disciples have made of this season.

Big Brother Canada...Power Trip Over

It has been suggested that I keep busy (and out of trouble) by blogging more often. Finding myself with less and less to say (without repeating myself) about the atrocity that is the current season of Survivor, I've decided to heed some advice regarding the fun that could be had writing about other things. So, though I will continue to blog Survivor: Caramoan (which will continue to be posted on Thursday or Friday) until it, mercifully, ends because I finish what I start (whether I want to or not), I will also be posting on Mondays, the topic each week to be determined by my mood.

Four weeks into the first season of Big Brother Canada, I am already more entertained than I was during the entire last two seasons of the U.S. version, which were lousy with hasbeens and machinations disguised as "twists" by production to keep the hasbeens in the game. Big Brother Canada has given us fifteen people that we've never seen before and parked them in an environment unfamiliar to most fans of the reality show franchise, the middle of a Canadian winter.

The biggest force in the house is the Quattro alliance, down a member now that power tripping Tom and his big fat ego are out the door. Quattro has been able to run the house by fortifying their numbers with their respective showmances. Alec has Topaz voting with him, Emmett has Jillian's vote, and Peter and Tom shared Liza and her vote before Tom and Liza were sent packing in last Thursday night's double eviction. That leaves five (three Quattro and two loyal to them) allies to compete for power against the other five remaining house guests.

These house guests are Gary, a proven threat, Andrew, a potential threat, floaters Talla and AJ, and--what was Canada thinking when they chose to save her because everything about her is as irritating as the day is long--Suzette. Of them, my money's on Gary to go the farthest, provided he hasn't pasted too large a target on himself with his competition wins and his successful campaign to rid the house of Tom's obnoxiousness and Liza's playing of all the guys to the advantage of no one.

Operating within the Quattro alliance is the Shield alliance made up of Alec and Peter, who have influenced most of the moves made in the game thus far and have no compunction about undermining their larger alliance when it benefits them. The pair should go far in the game now that Peter's distraction (Liza) is gone, as long as Alec doesn't get played by Topaz, who is surprisingly wise to everything that goes on in the house for someone that sleeps all the time.

Week five has begun with big brother bribing the players with big money to play to win the HOH competition instead of throwing it as is the habit. I'm looking at you Alec and, especially, you Peter. I don't care how enamored you are with Dan Gheesling, stop throwing competitions and yelling at me during DR, it wasn't charming when he did it and you imitating him is unbelievably annoying. The prospect of financial gain made the competition close (a seventeen second difference in finishes) and drove Alec to victory.

Alec's primary goal this week? To rid us all of Suzette. Finally. Frankly, I don't know how those poor people have stood her this long. They haven't been allowed enough alcohol to help them with that.

To guarantee Suzette's eviction, the likable AJ has been parked on the block right next to her. AJ may tell us that AJ has already been a pawn once and AJ really doesn't like that AJ has to do it again, but AJ is probably safe this week even though AJ will worry anyway. AJ likes to refer to himself in the third person, and is probably right about AJ being safe.

I repeat...There is not nearly enough alcohol floating around the Big Brother house to make Suzette tolerable enough to keep.

Survivor: Caramoan...Operation Damage Control

Nothing says desperate attempt to salvage a season of suck like a tribe shuffle disguised as a Reward Challenge (that didn't happen for the second time in a row). The even distribution of the "favorites" between the two tribes left the "fans" outnumbered in both tribes and set them up for their second screwing of the season.

The new Gota tribe is a combination of the strongest "favorites" and the most annoying "fans". Douches 1 and 2 (Reynold and Eddie) sucked up to Malcolm and Erik in a shameless attempt to curry favor and get rid of their enemy, Sherri, who busied herself in the same way with Andrea and Brenda. Happy to have an excuse to talk to Malcolm alone, Andrea blabbed everything she knew and then blindly accepted his blatant lie about not having an Immunity Idol as gospel. If Malcolm and Erik form a boys alliance with the douches and get rid of Andrea, it will serve her right for letting her lady parts do all her thinking for her.

The only real asset on the Bikal tribe is Cochran, who saw the potential threat of Matt's and Michael's obvious alliance and engineered Matt's exit from the game, in spite of Phillip's conviction that he could turn the pair into assets for Stealth R Us. Cochran is the only member of the current Bikal tribe that does not grate on my last nerve, and it is my sincere wish that when this wretched season finally ends it will be him sitting next to Malcolm.

The one person that seems to have benefited from the tribe shuffle is Andrea, who no longer has to compete with Corinne for facetime with Malcolm. It certainly wasn't any of the beleaguered fans watching this travesty play out, because we can't stomach the new configuration of feckless idiots any better than the old one.

I prefer to watch the implosion of the Quattro Alliance over on Big Brother Canada.

Survivor: Caramoan...Certifiable Tantrum

It was the hissy fit that we all saw coming. From the moment that we learned that the nuttier than a fruitcake Phillip and Brandon the poster boy for anger management were going to be forced to share the same patch of sandy squalor, we knew that somebody's self-control was going to grind to a screeching halt, causing the kind of mayhem not usually found outside the confines of popular hangouts frequented by teenagers.

It was just a matter of time.

It took twelve days. Twelve days of Phillip yammering nonstop about himself. Twelve days of Phillip prattling on about Stealth R Us and assigning spy-themed nicknames that any prepubescent boy would be proud to bear. Twelve days of Phillip (in the role of Boston Rob) dictating and condescending and endlessly irritating. I usually require beverages of the alcoholic variety in order to better suffer people like that for longer than an hour. I cannot fathom being trapped for twelve days in the eighth circle of Hell with Phillip and nothing to preserve my sanity but warm water and a sense of humor.

On the thirteenth day, Brandon snapped. After ping-ponging between volunteering to quit and playing the game he signed up for, Brandon lost control of himself and his decision to stay when Phillip's narcissism elevated Phillip to hero status and neglected to share the credit that Brandon deserved for his equal contribution during the Reward Challenge. The confrontation led to Phillip dubbing Brandon "persona non grata" and devising a plan to throw the next Immunity Challenge in order to rid himself of an outspoken dissenter in his ranks sooner rather than later.

Phillip shared his top secret plan with his trusted underling The Terminator (Big Mouth Andrea who suffers from the worst case of diarrhea of the mouth in Survivor history), who promptly blabbed it to Brandon, who, predictably, reacted badly. The tribe's supplies of rice and beans were dumped on the ground and a physical confrontation seemed imminent.

Stealth R Us unanimously decided that Brandon's instability had become a liability, necessitating his immediate departure from the game. They forfeited the Immunity Challenge, aired their dirty laundry at a public Tribal Council held at the challenge site, and voted Brandon out of the game.

Being a Hantz, Brandon is not wired to go quietly. He informed the "fans" that he had leveled the playing field for them by ensuring that the "favorites" would starve right along with them and begged them not to let Phillip get to the Final Tribal Council. He aired his views about Phillip pretending to be Boston Rob, giving orders and assigning nicknames, Phillip being dragged through his season of Survivor by Boston Rob who used him as everyone made fun of him, and Phillip's condescension toward him. He threatened Phillip with physical violence, but was kept calm by Jeff, who gave one of his finer performances as he balanced his role of instigator with that of unlicensed shrink.

Brandon's behavior has raised the question of the responsibility that reality show producers bear for casting people with emotional issues into situations guaranteed to unhinge them for the sake of ratings. It may very well be true that competing on Survivor was not good for Brandon at the time and the professionals charged with making that call failed him when they did not act in his best interest. I cannot presume to know.

What I do know? Brandon stood up to insufferable self-appointed leader, Boston Rob's failed disciple, Phillip. And it took twelve days longer than it probably should have.

Survivor: Caramoan...Good Riddance To Dead Weight

Things I learned while watching Survivor this week...

Games that require physical strength and stamina and the ability to play nicely with others are typically won by ugly people because, according to Pretty People logic, the outwardly attractive are the real threats and, therefore, the first to be targeted and eliminated. Arrogance and aloofness have nothing to do with it. Nor does the inability to count past four.

The terminally lazy and obnoxious can contribute nothing and still demand to be served on command. And idiots will succumb to the tyranny of a self-styled king as they beg him not to abandon them.

Quitters are drama queens. Desperate to extricate themselves from self-created situations that they no longer find desirable, they will grasp any excuse available to them and attempt to hide their relief with expressions of exaggerated disappointment that would put a teenage girl worthy of her reputation to shame. Quitters with an idiot following also tend to engage in mutual love fests with said idiots that are as nauseating as they are phony.

Proficiency in the doggy paddle and the backstroke does not make one a qualified competitor or a valued asset to any team during challenges that require one to do any amount of swimming. Apparently, the inability to open a padlock without shaking with exhaustion doesn't either. Or was she too pretty to be allowed to stay?

A fool and his immunity idol are soon parted.

There is no shortage of stupid nicknames to bestow on others when the unmedicated aren't given enough to keep them busy. But, apparently, crazy can be calmed by repetitive throwing and channeled into targeting with deadly accuracy.

And most aggravating of all...The consumption of Black Russians does not make these people seem any less irritating, or make their craziness at all charming or entertaining.

Any suggestions would be considered helpful and greatly appreciated.

Survivor: Caramoan...Don't Talk To Me

Guess what. Shamar has a No Talking List. I kid you not. Gota's most obnoxious resident has created a list of fellow tribe members that are not allowed to talk to him. At the tippy top of said list is Reynold, who is (according to Shamar) a disgusting human being that won't share critical eye-wear during challenges, and Eddie, who is a loyal follower of Reynold and, therefore, persona non grata. I'm not sure which is more ludicrous...the existence of this list or the self-righteous indignation of Shamar whenever Reynold dares to violate it just to agitate him.

Not on Shamar's No Talking List is Hope, who benefits from his diarrhea of the mouth disorder when he blabs that she and Eddie better pack up before the next Tribal Council because one of them is going home. She uses this information to create chaos in the opposing alliance by blabbing to Julia, who proves the contagiousness of the disorder by blabbing Shamar's misdeed to everyone else. Too bad for Hope (and her ever diminishing clique) that all that running off at the mouth didn't accomplish anything, unless handing Jeff ammunition for Tribal Council counts as an accomplishment.

Speaking of Jeff...How easy is his job this season? Between the varying degrees of crazy loose in both tribes, the escalating acts of incompetence (like Reynold "hiding" his immunity idol in his girly pants), and the shocking willingness of all those motormouths to spill their guts with very little provocation, there is no shortage of fodder for our favorite reality show referee to choose from during quality sharing time, otherwise known as Tribal Council. The only real difficulty that he faces this season is making these people seem likable or competent, which is not possible as long as they are allowed to continue to speak.

There's a lot of talking going on over at the Bikal camp too, mostly by resident loonies Phillip, who, in addition to his prodigious abilities in the field of federal law enforcement, also possesses mad skills on the basketball court, and Brandon, who is ready to defile his tribe's supply of beans in retaliation for any wrong (real or perceived) committed against him. We also shouldn't overlook Andrea, who is operating solely on paranoia (jealousy?) and is targeting Corinne for being too close to Malcolm. Should Crazy R Us make it to the merge, I predict that they find themselves on Shamar's No Talking List.

Guess what. I have a No Talking List too. Shut up Shamar.