Survivor: Philippines...Diarrhea of the Mouth

     The inability to keep one's trap shut is an affliction that manifests itself in early childhood--talking while the teacher is talking, tattling the misdeeds of others to persons in authority--but is often outgrown sometime during adolescence, the exception being some teenage girls who possess an overabundance of information courtesy of the social media, which makes overcoming the urge to blab everything they know a near impossibility. Adults still struggling with this malady should not be told anything more salacious than what you consumed for breakfast (unless alcohol was involved), and they should most certainly never, ever be told something as vital to survival as whether you're holding an immunity idol if you were to be unfortunate enough to find yourself stuck on an island with them.

     While not the biggest blabbermouth in the Philippines, Lisa did blab the biggest secret (twice), and set in motion a chain of ridiculousness that ultimately cost Jeff Kent his Survivor life, may he rest in reality game show peace. The repercussions of this questionable strategy will not be pretty because, when she betrayed a fringe member of her Tandang alliance, she incurred the wrath of the Evil Three's token nutjob, Abi, who took the news of Lisa's transgression in much the same way that a snake would after being poked with a sharp stick.

     Abi, however, should be the last one to point an accusatory finger at anyone, being a less than stellar secret keeper herself. If memory serves, she leaked info about RC's clue to the location of a hidden immunity idol to Pete once upon a not very long ago time. More recently, she ran off at the mouth about her alliance hierarchy to Carter in front of Michael, and then whipped out her immunity idol with very little provocation from Jeff (Probst) and no discernible reason at Tribal Council. Apparently, crazy exacerbates dysfunctional thought processes which triggers motormouth disorder.

     Nothing brings a blindside to a screaming halt like a foolish bigmouth who doesn't recognize a golden opportunity when it gets delivered to him wrapped in a charming Texas accent. Pete deserves the imminent implosion of his Evil Three plus one (Lisa) alliance.

     In Malcolm's defense, he did not have a wealth of options at his disposal. Displaying his immunity idol and outing Lisa for making it common knowledge that he had it at Tribal Council may have bought him some time and put the hurt to Lisa's Tandang alliance.

     As for Jeff, the vets that he had plotted against from the beginning (purposely?) blew the vote that would have kept him in the game, leaving poor, perpetually confused (stoned?) Carter with no one to tell him what to do, and me needing a new favorite player.
     Let us observe a moment of silence...

Note: Thank you survivorsucks.yuku.com for the excellent gifs of Pete and Malcolm.

Survivor: Philippines...Family Feud

     Wednesday night's episode of Survivor was the reality game show version of an object lesson in the hazards of merging one dysfunctional family with another...alliances shift, the crazy declare war, and the dumbest tribe name in the history of the game is suggested, voted into existence, and painted on a flag for all to mock.

     The first item on Michael's agenda post merge is to negotiate an alliance, any alliance, that will eliminate three of his Tandang family members, Abi, Pete, and Artis because, in the humble opinion of Catastrophe Walking, they are "too rude to run this game." This from the man that traded a feast to the enemy for a potful of uncooked rice.

     Jeff plotted on Day 1 to rid us all of hasbeen Jonathan, but then saw the necessity of making a temporary deal with the hasbeen when said hasbeen copped to having the hidden immunity idol. With the merge providing potential comrades to join him in his campaign against the hasbeen, Jeff lost no time recruiting Abi, Pete, Artis, and Malcolm in exchange for aligning with them against RC, and then had no problem making a deal with Michael (the other hasbeen) to go after most of his new alliance (Abi, Pete, and Artis) in exchange for Michael's aid in getting rid of Jonathan, whom Michael had already agreed to help in the game since hasbeens with targets on their backs need to stick together. Jeff is targeting hasbeens and pitting them against each other, and that's all the reason I need to keep him my favorite.

     Lisa continued in the role of dysfunctional family caretaker after the merge, but was not opposed to taking a friendly swim with Jonathan, who knew her secret and left the encounter thinking that he had finally managed to bond with someone. And then "the church lady", as Malcolm affectionately refers to her, cut Jonathan's throat at Tribal Council, casting her vote to kick him off the island. Lisa is physically and mentally tough in challenges and seems to make decisions based on strategy rather than emotion, which is why I hope she outlasts the Survivor pretenders she is forced to share space with.

     While we're on the subject of pretenders...Watching Jeff try (in vain) to explain the voting strategy to Carter before Tribal Council gave me a headache. The prevailing theories are that Carter's IQ falls into the Borderline Low range on the IQ scale, or he's got a stash of medicinal marijuana somewhere on that island. My money's on stoned.

     Carter's polar opposite is Malcolm, whose presence of mind prompted him to join the Mean Kids alliance (Abi, Pete, and Artis) because that's where the power was. He's holding a hidden immunity idol and he made sweet-talking Lisa into keeping it a secret look easy. He's capable in any kind of challenge, but has managed to be perceived as less of a threat than he really is. He also has a loyal ally in former fellow Matsing, Denise. For a guy from a decimated tribe, Malcolm is situated pretty well. If he can safely navigate Abi's cycles of crazy, then I predict he will be arguing his case at the final Tribal Council.

     Denise survived the chaos that was life at the Matsing camp, managed to avoid becoming a target at the Kalabaw camp, and is keeping a low profile at the Dangrayne camp. She won the first individual immunity necklace and has the distinction of attending (and surviving) every Tribal Council since the season began. She is loyal and she can keep a secret. She is everything an actual Survivor should be, and, hopefully, will outlast the pretenders she's stuck with.

     Which brings us to Tribal Council, where that perpetual shit-stirrer Jeff (Probst) brings up the subject of betrayals, which prompts a confrontation between Abi and RC regarding RC's alleged betrayal of Abi's trust. RC truthfully denies Abi's allegations, which are ludicrous, being projections of Abi's own wrongdoings and figments of the maze of crazy in Abi's head.

     In the end, RC's innocence was not a factor because the game had become a popularity contest that was rigged by her enemies, and Jonathan played his idol to save himself.
     Another pretender down, four pretenders and two hasbeens to go.

Survivor: Philippines...A Tropical Outpost of CrazyTown

     I am confused. While Survivor does occasionally offer up the token eccentric (Coach Wade, Phillip Sheppard), it cannot be said that this CBS show presents a veritable cornucopia of certifiable loonies, probably because Allison Grodner hogs them all over at Big Brother where she must have a quota to fill. Yet, for some inexplicable reason, there are two candidates (so far) for a mandatory lockdown at the mental health facility most conveniently located for their families and friends.

     Dawson is the twenty-eight year-old insurance salesperson completely flummoxed by fire. She drew the ire of fellow crazy, Abi, by pulling her hair (and then denying it) during the Reward Challenge, and got herself called a bitch. She was part of the problem rather than the solution to the puzzle portion of the Immunity Challenge. She demonstrated a shortage of common sense by deliberately antagonizing Jeff Kent right before Tribal Council. Then she was "blindsided" by a unanimous vote to get rid of her because she was too preoccupied with her tribe's upcoming "date" with Jeff Probst at Tribal Council to be aware that she was in trouble.

     Which brings us to that acutely awkward and creepy moment (that seemed to drag on forever) when she got her torch snuffed. She stared at Jeff with an intensity reminiscent of Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction that would have made me concerned for his well-being had the show not been prerecorded. The gawky hug and kiss that followed were cringeworthy enough without the disturbing narrative that followed. Apparently, Dawson has a bizarre list of demands of Jeff Kent (more evidence of her dysfunctional thinking) and one of them is a pink gun. Which begs the question...Are reality game show hosts eligible for government sponsored relocation programs?
     I also can't help but wonder who else on those tribes flunked their psych eval.

Survivor: Philippines...Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor's Booby Trap

     My favorite hypocrites are the religious ones. They cloak themselves in Christianity, which they seem to believe empowers them to sit in self-righteous judgement of others. While they can be intensely annoying when they park themselves at my dining room table on Christmas Day and proceed to criticize everything, including the people feeding them, they can have incredible entertainment value when parading their hypocrisy on reality television.

     This is Roxy. She is a seminary student *snickers* who woke up on her fifth day in the Philippines and declared Matsing's resident cuddlers, Malcolm and Angie, a dangerous pair that needed to be separated. She proceeded to recruit Russell to her cause, which seemed to be fueled more by jealousy than strategy, her arguments in support of her case including statements like, "It's like Miss America all day long" and "They (Malcolm and Angie) are up each other's butts". Not exactly compelling, is it?

     The chronic malcontent's best chance to save herself was the Immunity Challenge, where she flat out refused to run a second leg, citing water deficiency as if her fellow tribe members were not suffering from the same affliction. Matsing's subsequent loss, despite Denise's decent puzzle calling skills which kept the tribe competitive, ratcheted tensions at camp, where Roxy, in all her hypocritical glory, actually tells Russell that Angie, who ran the second leg that Roxy refused, is lazy.

     The nonsense continued at Tribal Council, where Roxy (age 28) and Angie (age 20) engaged in escalating teenage girl verbal warfare. Roxy won the battle, labeling Malcolm's and Angie's professed brother/sister relationship "creepy", and, the coup de grace, announcing that Angie "booby trapped" Malcolm into an alliance. Roxy's immediate apology was insincere, being offered in the same tone that my teenage daughter and her teenage frenemies use on each other all the time, and was not enough to keep her from losing the war, her tribe sending her home with a unanimous vote.

     What's going on in the other tribes? Not much. In Tandang, Michael is sporting new injuries, Lisa's introverted ways are continuing to paste a rather large target on her back, and Abi is displaying disturbing cutthroat bitch tendencies with her threats regarding RC (to her face and behind her back). And, in Kalabaw, Jonathan ransacked the camp until he finally figured out where to find the hidden immunity idol, and Jeff is playing rock checkers in the rain and nursing his sore knee. All pretty tame compared to the drama in the Matsing camp.
     So, what's next for the beleaguered Matsing? I am inclined to agree with Russell. They need to "get their heads out of their butts, or go home". My money's on go home.

Survivor: Philippines...Following The Non-Leader

     I want them gone. All three of them. I've already seen them play this game, and, two of them, I had hoped to never have to see again. Yet, here they are, courtesy of the brain trust in charge of making these critical decisions (that would be Mark Burnett et. al), defiling the game and annoying the hell out of me.

     This is my current favorite, Jeff. There's a reason he didn't waste the summer as a feckless idiot over on Big Brother. He is not anybody's puppet. He is a survivor playing for a million dollars, and no "returning player" that's been foisted on his tribe by a double-dealing group of executive producers is going to be allowed to mess with the game that he signed up for. The first item of business on his agenda? Call a tribe meeting, minus the hasbeen (Jonathan Penner), and plot said hasbeen's demise. With a first place win in the Immunity Challenge and a plan to rid themselves of Jonathan at the first opportunity, the Kalabaw tribe is off to a good start.

     The same cannot be said of Matsing, the clear losers in the "returning player" lottery. They got stuck with Russell Swan, who informed them that he would not be their leader right before he started issuing orders. His tribe plotted to purge themselves of his incompetent "non-leadership", but dead weight Zane, who had to be dragged during his leg of the Immunity Challenge, scapegoated himself for the tribe's loss and volunteered to be the first survivor voted out. Russell caught a break this time, but if all the eye rolling and lip pursing at Tribal Council were any indication of Angie's and Roxy's true feelings for him, then it would certainly seem that his days are numbered.

     The only "returning player" currently with the proverbial snowball's chance is Michael Skupin, who has been warmly received by his fellow Tandangs and is allied with all of them. The only obstacle threatening his game at this point is his own terminal klutziness, which could get him removed from the game for medical reasons (again) unless he starts handling pointy objects with more caution and treads more carefully when he wanders the beach in his bare feet.

     It's too soon to form solid opinions of individual survivors, but, based on my first impressions of the tribes, Kalabaw is the most solid in terms of unity and is my pick to make it to the merge (or tribe shuffle) mostly intact, hopefully minus a hasbeen.
     So, what are your first impressions? Which tribe will dominate? Kalabaw or Tandang? How long will it take for Matsing to self-destruct under Russell's "non-leadership"? Or will they manage to cut him loose before his "redemption" becomes their termination? You've seen it. It's fair game. Let's talk about it.

Note: The amazing gif of Jeff is the work of the creative geniuses over at survivorsucks.yuku.com.