Survivor: Philippines...Crazy Luck

Sometimes it's better to be lucky than good. Occasionally, chance favors the desperate. Jonathan was a man without an alliance, making his vote for Abi rather than Pete on day twenty-two a colossal error that he was unlikely to recover from. But, as luck would have it, the fringe members of the Tandang alliance began turning on its leaders, the Evil Three, temporarily prolonging Jonathan's Survivor life.

And then sometimes chance favors the bitter, the obnoxious, and the toxic. Abi's behavior had made her tribe mates eager to be rid of her, making her good fortune at the Survivor Auction the only thing that stood between her and a one-way ticket to the Ponderosa. She literally bought her way into the final round of the Immunity Challenge, which presented no difficulties to someone that had rested on her backside for two grueling rounds and was not carrying any additional weight. Yet, she barely beat Carter, and then strutted about as if she had just set the course record in the Ironman Triathlon, making most of us want to vomit.

Abi's temporary stay of execution meant trouble for Jonathan, who had foolishly and inexplicably refused Michael's and Lisa's generous offer of a final three deal that most likely would have saved him. After that blabbermouth Lisa alerted him to her new alliance's plan to eliminate him, he attempted to round up enough votes to eliminate major threat Denise instead, but was unable to convince Michael and Lisa to violate their final four deal with Denise and Malcolm.

Two hasbeens down. One to go. As well as a crazy bitch, a tattletale, and Butthead's best friend.

Survivor: Philippines...The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly Part One

Malcolm boldly challenged the opposing alliance and risked his Survivor life by running a bluff that kept his idol in the game and the Tandang alliance off balance. He also wisely showed Lisa the grace and mercy that she desperately needed after betraying him. Very good. And my new favorite.

Denise orchestrated the termination of the Evil Three's most valuable, yet least protected, player, Artis. She is a triple threat; smart, strong, and likable. Definitely good. And I wouldn't mind seeing her make it to the end with her ally, Malcolm.

Jonathan blew the vote that could have saved his ally, Jeff Kent. Very, very bad. It was his strategy during the Reward Challenge that gave his team a clear advantage, which led to their victory and a new alliance for him. Very good. He then began a one man crusade to manipulate Lisa into switching alliances by playing on her need to be viewed in a positive light. Morally ambiguous, but strategically necessary and good. He successfully lured Michael away from the Tandang alliance, giving his new alliance the numbers they needed to take Artis out of the game. Also very good. It galls me that I keep finding myself rooting for him when I loathe his presence in the game on principle.

Pete blew the blindside of Malcolm, which proved to be detrimental to his Evil Three alliance. Definitely bad. He is also a troublemaker with no motivation other than a compulsion to disrupt the order of the universe, like the retired jackass in my neighborhood that drives ten miles under the speed limit every weekday morning, making everybody stuck behind him late for work. Bad and ugly. He can get kicked off the island next.

Artis arrogantly believed that bullies are untouchable. Very bad. He mistakenly thought that treating people badly is not only acceptable, but the best way to keep them loyal. Very ugly. He got what he deserved.

Note:  Part Two will be posted on Wednesday.

Survivor: Philippines...Family Feud

     Wednesday night's episode of Survivor was the reality game show version of an object lesson in the hazards of merging one dysfunctional family with another...alliances shift, the crazy declare war, and the dumbest tribe name in the history of the game is suggested, voted into existence, and painted on a flag for all to mock.

     The first item on Michael's agenda post merge is to negotiate an alliance, any alliance, that will eliminate three of his Tandang family members, Abi, Pete, and Artis because, in the humble opinion of Catastrophe Walking, they are "too rude to run this game." This from the man that traded a feast to the enemy for a potful of uncooked rice.

     Jeff plotted on Day 1 to rid us all of hasbeen Jonathan, but then saw the necessity of making a temporary deal with the hasbeen when said hasbeen copped to having the hidden immunity idol. With the merge providing potential comrades to join him in his campaign against the hasbeen, Jeff lost no time recruiting Abi, Pete, Artis, and Malcolm in exchange for aligning with them against RC, and then had no problem making a deal with Michael (the other hasbeen) to go after most of his new alliance (Abi, Pete, and Artis) in exchange for Michael's aid in getting rid of Jonathan, whom Michael had already agreed to help in the game since hasbeens with targets on their backs need to stick together. Jeff is targeting hasbeens and pitting them against each other, and that's all the reason I need to keep him my favorite.

     Lisa continued in the role of dysfunctional family caretaker after the merge, but was not opposed to taking a friendly swim with Jonathan, who knew her secret and left the encounter thinking that he had finally managed to bond with someone. And then "the church lady", as Malcolm affectionately refers to her, cut Jonathan's throat at Tribal Council, casting her vote to kick him off the island. Lisa is physically and mentally tough in challenges and seems to make decisions based on strategy rather than emotion, which is why I hope she outlasts the Survivor pretenders she is forced to share space with.

     While we're on the subject of pretenders...Watching Jeff try (in vain) to explain the voting strategy to Carter before Tribal Council gave me a headache. The prevailing theories are that Carter's IQ falls into the Borderline Low range on the IQ scale, or he's got a stash of medicinal marijuana somewhere on that island. My money's on stoned.

     Carter's polar opposite is Malcolm, whose presence of mind prompted him to join the Mean Kids alliance (Abi, Pete, and Artis) because that's where the power was. He's holding a hidden immunity idol and he made sweet-talking Lisa into keeping it a secret look easy. He's capable in any kind of challenge, but has managed to be perceived as less of a threat than he really is. He also has a loyal ally in former fellow Matsing, Denise. For a guy from a decimated tribe, Malcolm is situated pretty well. If he can safely navigate Abi's cycles of crazy, then I predict he will be arguing his case at the final Tribal Council.

     Denise survived the chaos that was life at the Matsing camp, managed to avoid becoming a target at the Kalabaw camp, and is keeping a low profile at the Dangrayne camp. She won the first individual immunity necklace and has the distinction of attending (and surviving) every Tribal Council since the season began. She is loyal and she can keep a secret. She is everything an actual Survivor should be, and, hopefully, will outlast the pretenders she's stuck with.

     Which brings us to Tribal Council, where that perpetual shit-stirrer Jeff (Probst) brings up the subject of betrayals, which prompts a confrontation between Abi and RC regarding RC's alleged betrayal of Abi's trust. RC truthfully denies Abi's allegations, which are ludicrous, being projections of Abi's own wrongdoings and figments of the maze of crazy in Abi's head.

     In the end, RC's innocence was not a factor because the game had become a popularity contest that was rigged by her enemies, and Jonathan played his idol to save himself.
     Another pretender down, four pretenders and two hasbeens to go.

Survivor: Philippines...A Low Down Dirty Deal

     WARNING:  The Detroit Tigers are playing in the World Series like the team that trailed the White Sox all season. And Tigers fans from northern Michigan who have been relocated to San Francisco should not be seen in public wearing their brand new American League Champions T-shirts while said champions are getting their asses handed to them a few miles away. It makes us the object of public ridicule or contempt, depending on which kind of Giants fan we encounter. My mood is now spectacularly foul. No one is safe.

     When is a reward not a reward? When it is reduced to the equivalent of a pot full of uncooked rice and haggled over by two old coots (hasbeen Jonathan Penner and hasbeen Michael Skupin). So, what had been a down and dirty old school Survivor challenge ended abruptly with a poorly brokered deal and no clear winners. Just a bunch of losers.

     My disgust is outweighed only by my disappointment. How could Jeff (Probst) allow such an atrocity to occur? Isn't it his job to keep the idiocy in check? *sighs heavily* This season, Survivor had been showing signs of returning to its former greatness--Survivors on the verge of starvation, picnics instead of feasts as rewards, challenges requiring the Survivors to "dig deep"--and then Jeff had to go and enable those slackers to quit mid-challenge. He could have gone for a pedicure instead of refereeing, like he did last season. The result would have been the same.

     Speaking of Jeff...I never know which version of him will show up. Will we get snarky Jeff relentlessly ragging on the terminally lazy (Abi), the hopelessly useless (Katie), the dangerously clumsy (Michael), and the annoying simply because he cannot help himself (Jonathan)? Or will we get compassionate Jeff who helps those incapable of expressing themselves at Tribal Council by translating for them (Katie again) and gently covers the seriously ill with his own outwear (Dana)? Or the version of Jeff that I hope to never see again, the one that is as defeated as the shirkers posing as Survivors this season? For the record, snarky Jeff is my favorite. He pushes those people to be the Survivors that they promised to be and doesn't let them get away with anything.

     Which brings us to the latest Survivor pretender to be kicked off the island by a unanimous vote. Katie considers her current occupation to be former Miss Delaware and she sported hooker hoops in the jungle. Enough said.
     As for the actual Survivors on those tribes...I will get to them next time when I'm, hopefully, a much happier Tigers fan and, consequently, in the right mood to praise those that have earned it.
     Who might I be referring to? Hint: I didn't mention any of them in this post.
     Go Tigers! Please?

Survivor: Philippines...Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor's Booby Trap

     My favorite hypocrites are the religious ones. They cloak themselves in Christianity, which they seem to believe empowers them to sit in self-righteous judgement of others. While they can be intensely annoying when they park themselves at my dining room table on Christmas Day and proceed to criticize everything, including the people feeding them, they can have incredible entertainment value when parading their hypocrisy on reality television.

     This is Roxy. She is a seminary student *snickers* who woke up on her fifth day in the Philippines and declared Matsing's resident cuddlers, Malcolm and Angie, a dangerous pair that needed to be separated. She proceeded to recruit Russell to her cause, which seemed to be fueled more by jealousy than strategy, her arguments in support of her case including statements like, "It's like Miss America all day long" and "They (Malcolm and Angie) are up each other's butts". Not exactly compelling, is it?

     The chronic malcontent's best chance to save herself was the Immunity Challenge, where she flat out refused to run a second leg, citing water deficiency as if her fellow tribe members were not suffering from the same affliction. Matsing's subsequent loss, despite Denise's decent puzzle calling skills which kept the tribe competitive, ratcheted tensions at camp, where Roxy, in all her hypocritical glory, actually tells Russell that Angie, who ran the second leg that Roxy refused, is lazy.

     The nonsense continued at Tribal Council, where Roxy (age 28) and Angie (age 20) engaged in escalating teenage girl verbal warfare. Roxy won the battle, labeling Malcolm's and Angie's professed brother/sister relationship "creepy", and, the coup de grace, announcing that Angie "booby trapped" Malcolm into an alliance. Roxy's immediate apology was insincere, being offered in the same tone that my teenage daughter and her teenage frenemies use on each other all the time, and was not enough to keep her from losing the war, her tribe sending her home with a unanimous vote.

     What's going on in the other tribes? Not much. In Tandang, Michael is sporting new injuries, Lisa's introverted ways are continuing to paste a rather large target on her back, and Abi is displaying disturbing cutthroat bitch tendencies with her threats regarding RC (to her face and behind her back). And, in Kalabaw, Jonathan ransacked the camp until he finally figured out where to find the hidden immunity idol, and Jeff is playing rock checkers in the rain and nursing his sore knee. All pretty tame compared to the drama in the Matsing camp.
     So, what's next for the beleaguered Matsing? I am inclined to agree with Russell. They need to "get their heads out of their butts, or go home". My money's on go home.

Survivor: Philippines...Following The Non-Leader

     I want them gone. All three of them. I've already seen them play this game, and, two of them, I had hoped to never have to see again. Yet, here they are, courtesy of the brain trust in charge of making these critical decisions (that would be Mark Burnett et. al), defiling the game and annoying the hell out of me.

     This is my current favorite, Jeff. There's a reason he didn't waste the summer as a feckless idiot over on Big Brother. He is not anybody's puppet. He is a survivor playing for a million dollars, and no "returning player" that's been foisted on his tribe by a double-dealing group of executive producers is going to be allowed to mess with the game that he signed up for. The first item of business on his agenda? Call a tribe meeting, minus the hasbeen (Jonathan Penner), and plot said hasbeen's demise. With a first place win in the Immunity Challenge and a plan to rid themselves of Jonathan at the first opportunity, the Kalabaw tribe is off to a good start.

     The same cannot be said of Matsing, the clear losers in the "returning player" lottery. They got stuck with Russell Swan, who informed them that he would not be their leader right before he started issuing orders. His tribe plotted to purge themselves of his incompetent "non-leadership", but dead weight Zane, who had to be dragged during his leg of the Immunity Challenge, scapegoated himself for the tribe's loss and volunteered to be the first survivor voted out. Russell caught a break this time, but if all the eye rolling and lip pursing at Tribal Council were any indication of Angie's and Roxy's true feelings for him, then it would certainly seem that his days are numbered.

     The only "returning player" currently with the proverbial snowball's chance is Michael Skupin, who has been warmly received by his fellow Tandangs and is allied with all of them. The only obstacle threatening his game at this point is his own terminal klutziness, which could get him removed from the game for medical reasons (again) unless he starts handling pointy objects with more caution and treads more carefully when he wanders the beach in his bare feet.

     It's too soon to form solid opinions of individual survivors, but, based on my first impressions of the tribes, Kalabaw is the most solid in terms of unity and is my pick to make it to the merge (or tribe shuffle) mostly intact, hopefully minus a hasbeen.
     So, what are your first impressions? Which tribe will dominate? Kalabaw or Tandang? How long will it take for Matsing to self-destruct under Russell's "non-leadership"? Or will they manage to cut him loose before his "redemption" becomes their termination? You've seen it. It's fair game. Let's talk about it.

Note: The amazing gif of Jeff is the work of the creative geniuses over at survivorsucks.yuku.com.