Survivor: Philippines...A Million Dollar Mistake

Sometimes I hate it when I'm right. Malcolm blew his shot at a big payday when he sent Abi to join the pity party raging at the Ponderosa instead of Denise because he either forgot or ignored unwritten Survivor commandment number two...Thou shalt trust no one but thyself because even members of thine own alliance will cut thy throat for a million dollars. Malcolm trusted two floaters to honor their final three deal with him, and it cost him the game. *heaves huge sigh of disappointment*

At least the jury got it right. They awarded the victory and the big pile of money to the Survivor at the final Tribal Council that played the best game. Accusations that the jury as a whole was influenced by the bitterness of some of its members could have some merit. However, the decision rendered by the jury was the correct one, given the game Denise played compared to those played by Lisa and Michael, regardless of how it was arrived at. Denise was a Tribal Council warrior who survived three different tribes, Lisa let the game play her instead of the other way around, and Michael played most of the game in the role of Lisa's plus one. The jury's verdict may have been a punishment to Lisa and Michael for their betrayals as some have insinuated, but, since Denise was clearly the superior player, the verdict was just.

A few words about the Reunion...

Bitterness. RC was right. Pete wrecked her game for the sake of a little chaos, which eventually led to the implosion of the Tandang alliance. But the game ended months ago. Her hostility should have ended with it.

Redundancy. Lisa's issues were showcased ad nauseum every week without exception. Giving her precious airtime during the Reunion to address them AGAIN was cruel to the already beleaguered viewers that were in no way responsible for her Player of the Season win. *gags*

Hunger. Apparently, poor Carter was starving, not stoned. He should probably see a doctor about having his blood glucose monitored regularly.

Restraining Order. Jeff Probst needs one immediately. His stalker's behavior is escalating.

Overall, this season of Survivor was a vast improvement over recent seasons (last season was virtually unwatchable). Most of the players were likable even if they were incompetent, the exception being Abi who was both. The challenges were decent, even though all those multi round Immunity Challenges seemed to offer too many second and third chances when one should suffice with something so vital on the line. And, Jeff was present (literally and figuratively), getting the job done in a way that others can only hope to emulate--I'm looking at you, Julie Chen. He pushed all of the players to be the Survivors that they signed up to be and called them out on everything, drawing attention to the lazy and/or incompetent during challenges and asking the questions that made all the right people squirm.

This season made me want to come back again next season. See you in February.

Survivor: Philippines...Family Feud

     Wednesday night's episode of Survivor was the reality game show version of an object lesson in the hazards of merging one dysfunctional family with another...alliances shift, the crazy declare war, and the dumbest tribe name in the history of the game is suggested, voted into existence, and painted on a flag for all to mock.

     The first item on Michael's agenda post merge is to negotiate an alliance, any alliance, that will eliminate three of his Tandang family members, Abi, Pete, and Artis because, in the humble opinion of Catastrophe Walking, they are "too rude to run this game." This from the man that traded a feast to the enemy for a potful of uncooked rice.

     Jeff plotted on Day 1 to rid us all of hasbeen Jonathan, but then saw the necessity of making a temporary deal with the hasbeen when said hasbeen copped to having the hidden immunity idol. With the merge providing potential comrades to join him in his campaign against the hasbeen, Jeff lost no time recruiting Abi, Pete, Artis, and Malcolm in exchange for aligning with them against RC, and then had no problem making a deal with Michael (the other hasbeen) to go after most of his new alliance (Abi, Pete, and Artis) in exchange for Michael's aid in getting rid of Jonathan, whom Michael had already agreed to help in the game since hasbeens with targets on their backs need to stick together. Jeff is targeting hasbeens and pitting them against each other, and that's all the reason I need to keep him my favorite.

     Lisa continued in the role of dysfunctional family caretaker after the merge, but was not opposed to taking a friendly swim with Jonathan, who knew her secret and left the encounter thinking that he had finally managed to bond with someone. And then "the church lady", as Malcolm affectionately refers to her, cut Jonathan's throat at Tribal Council, casting her vote to kick him off the island. Lisa is physically and mentally tough in challenges and seems to make decisions based on strategy rather than emotion, which is why I hope she outlasts the Survivor pretenders she is forced to share space with.

     While we're on the subject of pretenders...Watching Jeff try (in vain) to explain the voting strategy to Carter before Tribal Council gave me a headache. The prevailing theories are that Carter's IQ falls into the Borderline Low range on the IQ scale, or he's got a stash of medicinal marijuana somewhere on that island. My money's on stoned.

     Carter's polar opposite is Malcolm, whose presence of mind prompted him to join the Mean Kids alliance (Abi, Pete, and Artis) because that's where the power was. He's holding a hidden immunity idol and he made sweet-talking Lisa into keeping it a secret look easy. He's capable in any kind of challenge, but has managed to be perceived as less of a threat than he really is. He also has a loyal ally in former fellow Matsing, Denise. For a guy from a decimated tribe, Malcolm is situated pretty well. If he can safely navigate Abi's cycles of crazy, then I predict he will be arguing his case at the final Tribal Council.

     Denise survived the chaos that was life at the Matsing camp, managed to avoid becoming a target at the Kalabaw camp, and is keeping a low profile at the Dangrayne camp. She won the first individual immunity necklace and has the distinction of attending (and surviving) every Tribal Council since the season began. She is loyal and she can keep a secret. She is everything an actual Survivor should be, and, hopefully, will outlast the pretenders she's stuck with.

     Which brings us to Tribal Council, where that perpetual shit-stirrer Jeff (Probst) brings up the subject of betrayals, which prompts a confrontation between Abi and RC regarding RC's alleged betrayal of Abi's trust. RC truthfully denies Abi's allegations, which are ludicrous, being projections of Abi's own wrongdoings and figments of the maze of crazy in Abi's head.

     In the end, RC's innocence was not a factor because the game had become a popularity contest that was rigged by her enemies, and Jonathan played his idol to save himself.
     Another pretender down, four pretenders and two hasbeens to go.

Survivor: Philippines...No Superheroes Here

     What is the difference between a superhero and a regular guy?  Apparently, superheroes don't throw hissy fits that would put a preschooler to shame, and regular guys (the narcissistic ones, anyway) get blindsided by their tribe at Tribal Council because they expect to be kept over people outperforming them.

     Russell liked to remind us on a regular basis that he nearly died the last time he played Survivor, and then attempted to prove his readiness to die playing it again by collapsing in exhaustion at every Immunity Challenge. He showcased his incompetence with his ineffectual search for the hidden immunity idol. He labored under the delusion that his "attitude of excellence" entitled him to a victory. *scratches head in confusion* By "attitude of excellence", he wouldn't be referring to his non-leadership skills that led to the dismantling of his tribe, would he? Or is an "attitude of excellence" what causes grown men to smash pots and holler at God when they lose? *shrugs shoulders* Whatever it is, it got his torch snuffed, and gave those of us that don't like vets contaminating our reality game shows a reason to express our delight in ways that we wouldn't want our teenage daughters (the ones that know what a hypocrite is) to know we do.

     Unfortunately, Russell's exit may not be delightful for those that he left behind. I predict that Jeff will be splitting them up and shipping them to separate tribes, where I don't expect them to fare very well, in spite of their impressive resumes, or, maybe, because of them.

     Malcolm's and Denise's best chance of surviving the termination of Matsing would be exile to Kalabaw, where each of them could be seen as a potential ally for either the female alliance or the male alliance (depending on which one of them draws the lucky buff), but will be expendable once the opposing alliance is either weakened or destroyed. The holder of the unlucky buff will be exiled to Tandang, which could be a death sentence. Tandang is where Abi lives.

     Early in the game, RC found the clue to the whereabouts of the immunity idol hidden at the Tandang camp and shared it with Abi. The besties then hid the clue in a mutually agreed upon secret location. Some time later, Abi picked a fight with RC for no discernible reason, threatened RC, shared RC's clue with Pete, found the hidden immunity idol with Pete using RC's clue, and kept the whole thing secret from RC. Pete, seeing an opportunity to create chaos and dissension, retrieved the clue from its hiding place and planted it among RC's belongings, where it was spotted by Abi, who, predictably, came unhinged. According to Tandang's chief betrayer of trust and blabber of secrets, RC broke her trust. Mental health professionals call that projection. Judges call that (combined with the threats) grounds for a restraining order.
     The "outlast" part of this game has a crazy new significance this season. Emphasis on crazy.
     The Tigers won their ALDS last night, so I will be celebrating in the most responsible (good example setting) way currently available to me. You can find me at Barnes and Noble. I will be the one in the classics section, reeking of white chocolate mocha lattes and biscotti. Hope to see you there.

Survivor: Philippines...Tales Of A Pageant Princess

     My other favorite hypocrites are the purely decorative ones. They have backgrounds steeped in pageantry and modeling contracts. They take inventory of the males in their vicinity and then attach themselves to the ones they deem most likely to protect them from hardship and solve their problems for them. And, best of all, they have a penchant for rewriting history as a means of avoiding taking responsibility for their actions, or lack thereof as the case may be.

     In a tribe rife with contradictions--a non-leader that bosses everyone around (Russell) and a "legit fit, army strong warrior" that was useless in physical challenges (Roxy)--Angie is the quitter that "never gives up" and, therefore, an ideal candidate for card carrying membership to the "goon squad of tribes".

     Miss Utah Teen USA 2010 is a self-proclaimed sports enthusiast that is "extremely competitive", yet she struggled to retrieve a puzzle piece submerged in two feet of water. One of her biggest pet peeves is lazy people, yet she refused to return to the water (sound familiar?), forcing Malcolm and Denise to take three turns apiece.

     The three-time losers returned to Tribal Council, where Matsing's latest hypocrite to occupy the hot seat asserts her non-culpability in their defeat at the Immunity Challenge by insisting that she never gave up during the challenge and blaming Russell for being a quitter. I am sure that, in the Happy Land of Denial going on in her head, this is true and just.

     Not so, in the Ticked Off Land of the Unjustly Accused going on in Russell's. He pronounces Angie's "revisionist history" a failure and dumps the blame back on Angie. Actually, Malcolm had it right. Russell and Angie were both to blame for Matsing's loss. It may be that Russell owned more of the responsibility than Angie, depending on your views regarding wasting exorbitant amounts of time with zero to show for it during challenges.

     The blame game resulted in a loss for Angie, who was sent packing by a unanimous vote, and for Malcolm, who is going to have to face those chilly island nights without his cuddle bunny.

     In other tribal news, Michael managed to carve up his face diving into the water while wearing a mask meant for snorkeling. *shakes head in disbelief* His medical insurance premiums must be through the roof. Also, Sybil, er, Abi has turned on her bestie, RC, and managed to locate the hidden immunity idol at the Tandang camp with the help of new bestie, Pete. I predict that it won't be long before Abi turns on him too, and then RC and Pete can start sleeping in shifts.
     So, what are your predictions? Who will survive the goon squad? Will Michael survive Survivor? And, if he does, will he be eligible for disability when he gets home? You've seen it. It's fair game. Let's talk about it.

Survivor: Philippines...Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor's Booby Trap

     My favorite hypocrites are the religious ones. They cloak themselves in Christianity, which they seem to believe empowers them to sit in self-righteous judgement of others. While they can be intensely annoying when they park themselves at my dining room table on Christmas Day and proceed to criticize everything, including the people feeding them, they can have incredible entertainment value when parading their hypocrisy on reality television.

     This is Roxy. She is a seminary student *snickers* who woke up on her fifth day in the Philippines and declared Matsing's resident cuddlers, Malcolm and Angie, a dangerous pair that needed to be separated. She proceeded to recruit Russell to her cause, which seemed to be fueled more by jealousy than strategy, her arguments in support of her case including statements like, "It's like Miss America all day long" and "They (Malcolm and Angie) are up each other's butts". Not exactly compelling, is it?

     The chronic malcontent's best chance to save herself was the Immunity Challenge, where she flat out refused to run a second leg, citing water deficiency as if her fellow tribe members were not suffering from the same affliction. Matsing's subsequent loss, despite Denise's decent puzzle calling skills which kept the tribe competitive, ratcheted tensions at camp, where Roxy, in all her hypocritical glory, actually tells Russell that Angie, who ran the second leg that Roxy refused, is lazy.

     The nonsense continued at Tribal Council, where Roxy (age 28) and Angie (age 20) engaged in escalating teenage girl verbal warfare. Roxy won the battle, labeling Malcolm's and Angie's professed brother/sister relationship "creepy", and, the coup de grace, announcing that Angie "booby trapped" Malcolm into an alliance. Roxy's immediate apology was insincere, being offered in the same tone that my teenage daughter and her teenage frenemies use on each other all the time, and was not enough to keep her from losing the war, her tribe sending her home with a unanimous vote.

     What's going on in the other tribes? Not much. In Tandang, Michael is sporting new injuries, Lisa's introverted ways are continuing to paste a rather large target on her back, and Abi is displaying disturbing cutthroat bitch tendencies with her threats regarding RC (to her face and behind her back). And, in Kalabaw, Jonathan ransacked the camp until he finally figured out where to find the hidden immunity idol, and Jeff is playing rock checkers in the rain and nursing his sore knee. All pretty tame compared to the drama in the Matsing camp.
     So, what's next for the beleaguered Matsing? I am inclined to agree with Russell. They need to "get their heads out of their butts, or go home". My money's on go home.