Big Brother 14...The Long Con

This is Dan in full-on puppet whisperer mode.

People who are not immune to the power of Dan allow themselves to be talked into making moves that are detrimental to their own (and others') game. A recent example of this is Big Brother's resident loony, Danielle, falling victim to Dan's puppet whispering ways and handing him the power to decide her pretend future husband's fate in the game. The result?

This is Shane tattling to Julie about what a dirty player Dan is.

And this is Danielle, clearly shocked that Dan betrayed her.

The fallout? Shane shoved Dan, who appeared to be attempting to puppet whisper him (probably trying to secure his jury vote), on his way out the door. Dan did damage control with Danielle, claiming that he acted in her best interests. And Danielle did what all good little puppets do. She gave in to the power of Dan, thus perpetuating the long con that Dan began the moment that he entered the Big Brother house.

This is Dan attempting to puppet whisper his way to a Final HOH Round 1 victory.

This is Danielle, who has clearly not learned her lesson, letting him.

And this is the celebratory hug after Danielle threw the endurance competition to Dan.

Which leads us to the inevitable questions. Is the power of Dan really that strong? Strong enough to overcome what Shane's stalker would consider to be the ultimate betrayal of her trust? Dan may be the most gifted liar and manipulator to ever play a reality game show, but I don't think that even his power should have survived a betrayal like that undiminished in strength. Which brings us to...Is Danielle really that stupid? The answer to that, unfortunately, seems to be "yes". The upside? If Princess Diminished Capacity manages to win this game, she'll have access to the best therapeutic intervention that money can buy.

This is Ian not in his hammock for a change.

Whether Dan intends for Ian to survive to see the end of his long con or not, I can't count Ian out. He's a scrappy little puppet that really, really wants to win. He could be the obstacle that keeps Dan from his check. He's capable of winning comps and he's smart enough to figure out what Dan is really up to. The probability of an Ian upset? The same as a real Danielle and Shane romance.

Only five more days until Survivor starts.

Big Brother 14...Certifiable And In Charge

     So...The lunatic is now running the asylum. She is HOH and the holder of the most critical POV of the season, and must choose between the two temporary men in her temporary life.

     Will she use the POV to take Dan off the block, let Shane take his vacated perch, and leave Dan to evict either Shane or Ian? At this point, the answer seems to be "yes". She may have been whispered into believing that Shane will be safe while Dan bloodies his hands for her, taking out Ian. Or she may actually think that she has a better chance to win against Dan than Shane, and is willing to let Dan do the dirty work, eliminating Shane. Who knows what thoughts are running amok through the tangle of crazy that passes for her mind. Regardless of whatever is going on in there, my money's on Dan to walk away from the block with the power to eliminate Shane tonight.

     Ian's best shot at surviving the block tonight is the last shred of sanity gasping for air somewhere in the darkness of obsessive unrequited love roiling inside of the nutjob in charge of his fate. He better hope that that shred of sanity hollers real loud (and often) and reminds Danielle that there's a huge pile of money at stake, otherwise her pretend future husband is going to send him to hell, where Britney, Boogie, and Frank will, no doubt, make him so miserable that no amount of rocking will calm him. Ian needs Danielle to play to win and choose Dan, and then he needs Dan to perceive Shane as the bigger threat to his victory.
     What do I need? CBS to give us the game that Big Brother used to be before Allison Grodner "fixed" it.
     Only six more days until Survivor starts.

Big Brother 14...Quack On, For Now

                                                                        Three down.

                                                                          One to go.

     

     Dan gave an Oscar worthy performance that brought his audience to tears, and then manipulated his arch nemesis into plotting his fellow Quack Packer's demise, saving himself from certain eviction. Many have said (and written) that this flash of brilliance has earned him Dr. Will's place as master of the Big Brother universe. I have acknowledged (with a considerable show of temper) that if he makes it to the end he deserves to win, which is why Ian needs to whip that sorry bunch of floaters and incompetents into a force able to resist Dan's uncanny ability to mindfuck anyone within range of the sound of his voice and send him to the jury house, where he can spend some quality time in awkward cohabitation with Britney and whoever is unfortunate enough to be stuck in there with them (in a perfect world, that would be Frank).

     Why Ian? Because he's my only hope. He is the only real player left in the game, except for Dan (who would make an excellent candidate for Thursday night's second eviction), and has acquired some excellent manipulative skills while living with two of the most gifted manipulators (Dan and Boogie) to ever play the game. He cut his own mentor's throat, which makes me think (hope) that he has it in him to use Dan and the Quack Pack one last time to rid the house of Frank (FINALLY), and then express his gratitude by orchestrating Dan's immediate exit and post eviction interview with Dan's buddy "Mrs. Chen".

     As long as I'm fantasizing things that will probably never come to pass, I might as well give Ian and his new alliance (Shane, Danielle, and Jenn) a name worthy of the task I want them to undertake. The Vigilantes has a nice ring to it, and it seems appropriate given the circumstances. The Vigilantes can avenge their fallen comrades, the poor newbies that were used and then discarded by the merciless vets who entered the house disguised as "coaches" and played their own game. 

     Yup, that's right. I'm still waiting for those Reeses Peanut Butter Cups to fall from the sky. Isn't that part of being a Big Brother fan? Wanting the impossible?

     So tell us what you're waiting for. And you might as well dream big. You never know.

Big Brother 14...The Power of Dan

     After spending twenty-four hours locked down in a Tim Burtonesque outpost of CrazyTown Nightclub, most people might be candidates for psychiatric intervention, mandatory time in a room with soft walls and the required cozy jacket that buttons up the back perhaps. But Dan Gheesling is NOT most people.
     Dan is the vet that entered the Big Brother house disguised as a coach, who later became the fall guy for Ian's sins against ChillTown 2.0, and is now, thanks to a brilliantly conceived and executed plan, master of his own fate.
     The collateral damage of Dan's salvation?
     Ian, whose every duplicitous move was outed to Frank by Dan, has been doing a lot of swearing and accusation hurling, when he's not pacing and swilling beer.
     And Britney, who "adjusted her game" (smooched both of Frank's butt cheeks) in preparation for Frank's HOH win, has taken Dan's vacated spot on the block and must rely on Shane's loyalty (like he could rely on hers?), Joe's word (which he gives to everybody, so is therefore only worth anything a small percentage of the time), and Ian's ability to stay strong in the face of peer pressure (and the urge to submit to Dan's will) to save her. Pack your chips Britney, and get ready to move your whining to the jury house.
     The "victim" of Dan's performance, turned double agent?
     If Danielle isn't a strong candidate for the aforementioned psychiatric intervention, then I must have misunderstood everything that professor said over the course of an entire semester of Abnormal Psychology during undergrad. And the double agent thing isn't fooling anybody in the house, so, somebody, please make her stop.
     My opinion of a vet managing to talk himself down from the Big Brother equivalent of a ledge near the tippy top of a building several stories high that Frank was ready and a little too eager to shove Dan off of? I have made no secret of my opposition to the vets being allowed to play. It ruined the season for me, as it did for a lot of fans. That said...If Dan makes it to the end, he deserves to win. *screams into pillow*
     I am going to remember where I hid the Baileys from my teenage daughter and then begin the process of forgetting all of this. Feel free to talk among yourselves.

Note: My apologies to you for the absence of accompanying screenshots. Blogger's "insert image" feature has been malfunctioning (without any acknowledgement of my repeated pleas for assistance) for over twenty-four hours, and I used up the last of my patience on the mouthy teenager I gave birth to. This post with screenshots can be found at fairgamebylou.tumblr.com.

Big Brother 14...ChillTown 2.0 Can't Come To The Phone Right Now

     I am STILL laughing.

     Love her or hate her, Britney gave most of us (ChillTown 2.0 and their two or three fans can just continue to suck it) the biggest laugh we've had all summer with the best good-bye message to an evicted house guest that we've had in a long time, perhaps ever. It was the perfect send-off (flip-off?) to the instigating force behind the poorly resurrected ChillTown, and, with any luck, that will be the last time an imaginary phone rings in the DR.

     For those of us keeping track...Two down. Two to go.

     The second best moment of Thursday night's show was delivered to us by the puppet that became the mole that revealed himself to be a real player in his good-bye message to his mentor, Boogie. It even earned him a rare show of respect from the player who prides himself on being the smartest person in the Big Brother house. *snickers* The bitter irony? Boogie and Frank embarked on a childish (and futile) mission to make the wrong player (Dan) miserable this week for blabbing their plans to target Shane and Britney. I wonder if Boogie is feeling foolish yet. He should be.

                                         Every time I see this, I think that we've all been played.

     

     As for Ian's short reign as HOH during the second eviction...I have to give him credit for trying to finish what he started. He nominated the remaining member of the ChillTown 2.0 alliance and his plus one. After Frank won the POV, I would have liked to see Dan go up on the block to bring us a step closer to that vet-free game I've been wanting. But I can see why Ian might not have wanted to turn on his new alliance so soon after "scumbagging" the last one, and (in theory) evicting Frank's plus one should make Frank easier to evict in the near future.

    The teller of the most vicious lie in the history of Big Brother is currently ensconced in the HOH room AGAIN, even though he should have been evicted three weeks ago. One of my hard and fast rules is to not hate people. Allison Grodner and her stupid "reset" have already sorely tested my resolve in this regard, but the longer I have to tolerate her pet, Frank the perpetual adolescent, the more likely it becomes that I will lose that particular battle.

     As far as twists go, Pandora's Box is not the worst, but it does seem to conveniently appear whenever one of the popular player's fan base needs appeasing, like last season when Rachel was practically out the door until Pandora's Box opened and magically restored the twist that saved her. I would prefer to see a game played out that relied on strategy and competition, rather than gifts ("twists") bestowed upon certain players by Allison Grodner and her team of lackeys. But that's not the game I get to see anymore. *sighs and reminisces about the early seasons of Big Brother, before somebody decided to fix something that wasn't broken*

     So Pandora's Box was opened yesterday and the Quack Pack *smirks* caught a break. Ian won a special POV (a golden ball) from the crane game in the Arcade Room, and the prevailing theory was that he would use it to save Dan, whom Frank has targeted for eviction. I rolled my eyes upon hearing this, knowing that all Frank had to do to render Ian's special power useless would be to stick Ian on the block and make him save himself.

     Apparently, Frank was Boogie's bitch a week too long because his training has impaired his ability to think. Frank nominated Dan and Danielle last night. This makes me smile because I never wanted the vets in the house to start with, but Frank could not afford to be this stupid. He might as well have put up the last two floaters in the house. *frowns and shakes head in confusion*

     So now we wait. We wait for the outcome of the POV Competition, which Dan needs to win to guarantee his safety, and then for Monday's POV Ceremony, which will probably reveal where loyalties really lie in the house. Alliances seem to be shuffling right now, but it may turn out to be merely for the sake of appearances, to outplay the remaining dregs of ChillTown 2.0 one final time.

     Please leave a message for ChillTown 2.0...

Big Brother 14...Suck It ChillTown 2.0

     All Hail Shane Meaney! He's the puppet that became a real player that is poised to become the architect of the demise of that shoddy imitation of the original ChillTown. The nomination of Boogie and Frank yesterday was the best moment in the Big Brother house since Willie Hantz rallied his fellow newbies to the brink of rebellion. I would gladly send Shane a crate of Monsters in tribute to the biggest move of the game this season if CBS would only let me.

     The fallout from these nominations is as entertaining as the nominations were masterful. Britney is giving Danielle some serious competition in her bid for Mayor of CrazyTown as she attempts to remove the "huge target" that she is convinced Shane staple-gunned to her back when he cited her as the most influential in his decision to park Boogie and Frank on the block. She's such a "mastermind" that she hasn't realized that Dan is the one that Boogie and Frank perceive as the real threat.
     Speaking of Danielle...She continues to spin her own myth in whatever spare time she has left over from stalking Shane. Which brings me to this amazing shot of Danielle shortly after being denied entry to a meeting being held by her own alliance.

     To the mysterious benefactor that sent me this, Thank You. You made my day.

     As I wait impatiently for those slackers to finish the POV Competition (I think we're going on five hours now), I imagine Shane winning it and keeping his nominations the same. I don't care which of them gets booted out on Thursday night. Boogie is a vet that shouldn't even be there, and Frank is a loathsome excuse for a human being who would have been evicted two weeks ago if not for the interference of Allison Grodner and shouldn't even be there either.
     Speaking of everyone's least favorite pain in the ass...Rumor has it that Pandora's Box is going to be utilized in a way that is guaranteed to piss me off. Apparently, Shane revealed that production tried to talk him out of nominating Boogie and Frank, so the speculation is that the meddlesome bitch is going to use Pandora's Box to save one or both of them. How can CBS continue to maintain that production does not manipulate the game in any way? Because, for them, lying is a reflex, like breathing, and it's a condition of employment.
     So tell us what you think of ChillTown 2.0's impending doom. Canonize Shane as a hero, or demonize him as a villain. Your choice. Just be sure to cite your reasons for doing so in a way that even a CBS honcho can understand (no words of more than one syllable). You've seen it. It's fair game. Let's talk about it.

Note: I know that, as soon as I post this, the feeds will return, probably with a result that will incite me to rant in a follow-up post, which I will most certainly do. With all the profane words at my disposal. Count on it.

Big Brother 14...Worse Than A Puppet

     Janelle's fans are ranting about her "unfair" eviction. Danielle's haters are lining up to call her out on every lie she's ever told. Opponents of production's interference in the game are threatening to strike in retaliation. It seems to me that the action going on outside the game has become far more interesting than the game itself.

     Not that what's going on now could be called a game. A game requires players. And any shot that we might have had at having some of those was eliminated when Allison Grodner put vets in the house. What we're stuck with instead is a bunch of people hanging out in the Big Brother house waiting to become one of two things, a pawn or collateral damage. I'm starting to think I was better off watching Big Barry and his awful singing over at AGT. *sighs and stoically resigns self to the unavoidable reality of substandard entertainment for the remainder of the summer*

     Speaking of substandard...Julie Chen's "homeskillet" Frank is HOH and has used the power that he lucked into this week to do NOTHING. The puppet wanted to become a player. Too bad the puppet was so enamored with being the other half of ChillTown 2.0 that he didn't notice when master manipulator Boogie turned him into his bitch instead of his partner.

     A player would have used his power to target the vets. A player would have known that Boogie's best shot at winning is sitting next to another vet at the end and seen Boogie's opposition to Frank's wanting to nominate Dan for the self-serving act that it was. But Frank is not a player. He's not even a puppet anymore. He may be off his leash, but he's so well trained that he doesn't need one.
     I won't be watching tonight. Yes, again. And, no, I am not on strike. I just don't care to watch Frank win the POV only to follow his master's commands to keep the floaters on the block. I probably won't even watch tomorrow night to see which one of them goes home, partly because I don't care, but mostly because I'm anxious to avoid the HD version of Frank's and Ashley's "ice cream date". Ewwwwww.
     So tell us what you think. Are you, like me, trawling On Demand in search of entertainment to help you pass the time until Survivor starts? Or are you satisfied with a poor imitation of last season's Big Brother? You've seen it. It's fair game. Let's talk about it.

Big Brother 14...Same Hell Different Day

     Welcome to a brand new season of Big Brother. We have twelve house guests, all were eligible to compete in the HOH competition and all are playing as individuals for the same $500,000 prize. There are no teams being controlled by "coaches". What we have now is eight newbies and four vets playing the game that the perpetual double-dealer Allison Grodner meant us to have all along, the first three weeks of this season being just a slight of hand that fooled nobody.

     Hang on a sec. A brand new season is not what Julie Chen promised us the other night. She said "reset", and she said it enough times that I know I heard her correctly. So...shouldn't the game have reverted to its original setting? Shouldn't Jodi, Kara, Willie, and JoJo have been restored to the game when it "reset"? It could be that my fair play loving soul is speaking up in protest of something that smacks of underhandedness when it should be shutting the hell up and not questioning the integrity of the shady people trying to sell me a figurative bridge to nowhere. But I don't think so.

     What I perceive to be a glaring error in semantics (and a gross violation of the ethics of fair play) aside, I will try to accept the hand I was dealt. I have a brand new game to watch and it could still be a good one. Right? After all, there is a newbie currently occupying the HOH room and she is unencumbered by nonsense like a CBS engineered twist that would require her to defer to a "coach" because she no longer has one. She also has the power to right some wrongs, starting with those vets that Allison Grodner brought in disguised as coaches. I say put two of them on the block (my picks would be Janelle and Boogie) and then renom another vet if one of the nominees wins POV. Simple, yes? The newbies have the numbers to eliminate the vets (have I mentioned that they outnumber them two to one?), and, if my calculations are correct, they could do it quickly because it appears that CBS has screwed itself into needing two double evictions in order to end this season on time. Right? I can't help visualizing two vets, keyless and miserable, at the end of the Nomination Ceremony and I smile in anticipation of tonight's episode.

     My brief visit to the Happy Land of Delusions ends abruptly (and meanly) thanks to my perpetual enemy Harsh Dose of Reality. One of my sources, who had been lurking over my shoulder while I was typing, began snickering. When confronted, he tells me that Wil and Frank are on the block and then confirms my suspicion that Dan had something to do with it. *looks around for something to throw*
     So, the brand new game is just the same game that was being played before the "reset". The vets are controlling the game and the newbies are letting them. Sounds an awful lot like last season to me.

     My sources tell me not to give up on the newbies yet because Danielle won the POV. *laughs and makes sarcastic remarks until sources threaten to leave* Okay. So what will Danielle do with this power? Probably whatever she's told to do with it by Ex "Coach" Dan and her make-believe honey pie, Shane. Based on what we've seen so far, I think this is a fair assumption. But then I learn that Boogie has made a convincing argument for taking down one of the nominees and renoming Janelle, and Danielle is considering it. This is good. This means that not all hope is lost, but it does depend on the whims of a wishy-washy newbie still operating in puppet mode and desperately seeking the approval of the temporary men in her temporary life. *sighs deeply and begins counting the days until Survivor starts*

     So tell us what you think. Does the "reset" seem like a rerun to you? Am I wrong for thinking that targeting the vets is the obvious choice? And what about the POV? What do you think Dan and Shane will tell Danielle to do with it? You've seen it. It's fair game. Let's talk about it.

Big Brother 14...What Fresh Hell Is This?

     I've been putting a lot of money in the swear jar lately. My daughter borrowed my car (for the first and, quite possibly, the last time), hopped a curb (probably at a speed that would horrify me if I knew), and destroyed a two hundred dollar tire. The Tigers lost on the road, relinquishing first place to the loathsome White Sox. My daughter has warned me that she plans to move to Chicago after she graduates from college and will begin worshiping at Comiskey Park (now known as U.S. Cellular Field). I have put her on notice that I will disown her when she does. The result of all this misery? A pretty substantial wad of cash that could conceivably pay off my Visa bill. And then last night happened.
     I planted myself in front of my TV at the appointed time, still foolishly fantasizing about a twist that would evict two players I cannot stand with one live episode. What I should have been doing was anticipating the many ways that Allison Grodner could have been busy plotting to sabotage what has already become the season of suck.

     Watching Julie Chen try (and fail) to build suspense for the much anticipated results of America's vote was worth a laugh. Was it just me, or did she seem a little taken aback when the house guests registered zero surprise at her big announcement? Doesn't production keep her informed about what the house guests get up to when they're not busy talking to her? Everybody (house guests and viewers and anybody not living under a rock) knew that those "coaches" were going to be officially allowed to play at some point. Most of us even suspected that America was going to get stuck with the blame.

     What nobody saw coming was the atrocity that followed. Once the "coaches" entered the game as players, the season was going to "reset". Julie explained for the slow-witted among us that a "reset" meant that there would be no eviction this week. My translation of this? No eviction of Asshole 1 OR Asshole 2.
     I will not repeat my obscenity laden response to this. I can't even remember most of it. I do remember that my husband laughed and laughed and laughed. And then he went and got the swear jar and put it in my lap. And then he laughed some more.

     Somebody's ass should get fired for this. I'm looking at you Allison Grodner. When you had Julie ask America to vote on whether the "coaches" should be allowed to play, you should have had her inform America that the "choice" you were having her pretend to give us would result in an entire week of the game being erased as if it never happened. America wouldn't have voted for this either, and you knew it, which is why you manipulated the outcome (your signature move). I swear I don't know why anybody would sign up to play this game any more. The deck is stacked and the house cheats.
    CBS has a long history of this kind of thing. Many years ago, when nighttime soap operas were all the rage, some brain trust that had been put in charge of Dallas wrecked the last season so badly that the honchos in charge of the brain trust ordered a final scene that would erase the season in its entirety. That "reset" that CBS threw up last night was Bobby in Pam's shower all over again. I'd be embarrassed for CBS if I wasn't so fucking pissed.

     My personal views of this ridiculousness aside, how unfair is this to the people that didn't sign up to play the game that CBS pretended America forced on them last night? Shouldn't somebody have consulted with them as to whether they wanted the "coaches" to be allowed to "officially" enter the game? And what about Shane? Shouldn't somebody have checked with him to see if he was down with his HOH reign resulting in a big fat zero? Maybe this is why most of the newbies have been behaving like puppets. CBS cast them that way.

     So now what? An endurance competition followed that ill-conceived fuckery (THANK YOU Colette Lala for my new favorite word) last night, and, according to the folks on Twitter, Danielle is the new HOH. Will anything she does this week matter? With Allison Grodner running this season into the ground, and in record time, it's anybody's guess. The only thing I know for certain is that, IF I continue to watch this fuckery (I LOVE that word), the swear jar is going to finance a trip to Disney World by the time it's all over.
     So tell us what you think. Do you want Allison Grodner's head on a pike on your front lawn Game of Thrones style? Or do you think that "resetting" Big Brother was a brilliantly conceived and well executed plan that should earn her a promotion and a nice raise? And what about her victims? What do you think she's going to do to them next? You've seen it. It's fair game. Let's talk about it.

Big Brother 14...Karma vs. Ironic Justice

     First, a few words to CBS regarding last night's episode. Stop editing Danielle's shameless and pathetic stalking of Shane into a showmance. You cannot turn a desperate woman clinging to an indifferent man into Jeff and Jordan. After enduring two seasons of Brenchel, most of us are still too nauseated to ever want to see anything that even slightly resembles two people attempting to couple. Thank you.

     Speaking of last night's episode, watching Janelle take credit for Frank being Shane's renom made me giggle. She was so full of her own cleverness, claiming to be the puppet master pulling the strings this week. No Janelle. No. It was Ian, incapable of talking game without Boogie there to do his talking for him, that triggered Britney's hair trigger paranoia and put Frank's life in the Big Brother house in peril. Incompetence gets the credit, not Janelle's lame offer of her jewelry as hostage in exchange for her loyalty to Shane and Britney.

     Which brings me to what promises to be the happiest moment of the season for me...the eviction of that loathsome excuse for a human being, Frank. Not that seeing Janelle at the mercy of Ironic Justice doesn't have its appeal, but Karma backdooring Frank is just so much better. I want to see him shocked and upset and parked next to Julie, who will, hopefully, do her job and pressure him to name the dysfunction that compelled him to lie about Willie being homophobic. Make him accountable Julie. We're counting on you.

     Of course, the inexplicable could happen and somebody (hopelessly in love with the idea of being in love Danielle, the probable swing vote) could decide to vote to evict Joe instead. While this is clearly not my favorite scenario, I could get all right with it fairly quickly. Joe's eviction would mean I would not have to tolerate that boorish shit stirrer shouting at me from my television any more. Not a bad thing. I also wouldn't mind Julie asking him if his troublemaking ways are genetic or a learned behavior. Anything that brings us a step closer to settling the nature vs. nurture debate is always welcome.
     Either way, tonight's eviction will eliminate someone that doesn't deserve to win; Frank, because he shouldn't benefit from that particular lie, and Joe, because being an asshole doesn't make him a worthy competitor, it just makes him an asshole. Too bad they both couldn't be kicked out the door with one vote. I wonder what kind of special power CBS could pretend that America granted could make that happen. I bet  I could think of one in the time that it takes me to fetch the mail. It can't be that hard. Allison Grodner does it all the time.
     So tell us what you think. Who do you want gone? And how much fun would you have watching Julie torture him until he breaks and begs forgiveness for his despicable behavior. You've seen it. It's fair game. Let's talk about it.