Survivor: Caramoan...Not So Covert Ops

A season of Survivor bearing the title of Fans vs. Favorites implies that veterans of the game will be challenged by fans who have followed the game so closely that they could pose a threat to those with actual experience playing it. What did we get instead? Feckless idiots that carry on as if they've never seen the show before, and incompetent disciples of Boston Rob that can't keep their traps shut.

Reynold started the game as a Douche and finished it as an Amigo. He was smug and entitled until the tribe shuffle when he began associating with Malcolm and became someone I could almost root for. Almost. Maybe he'll be more likable next time around. Like Brenda.

Big Mouth Andrea made a rookie mistake and herself into a target when she blabbed her intentions to eliminate Dawn to Cochran, a known alliance of Dawn's. What happened next never had a tattling menopausal woman's chance at winning Survivor of achieving the magnificence of the moment that Malcolm pulled the trigger that ended Phillip's reign of militarized crazy. But the moment that The Terminator's lapse in paranoia got her terminated with an Immunity Idol in her pocket did give us this...

and this...

and this...

and came thisclose to not happening at all because those blabbermouths in her tribe have no off-switch once Jeff winds them up.

So...It took one whole episode to rid us of a former Douche and a terminal Big Mouth, leaving us with two feckless idiots and four incompetent disciples.

And scores of disgruntled fans.

Survivor: Caramoan...Stick To The Plan

It was so good that I had to see it again. And then, just because that man had behaved in such a putrid manner toward his fellow tribe mates, I had to watch it a third time. The Three Amigos cancelled The Phillip Sheppard Show in what will likely go down in Survivor history as the best Tribal Council ever.

Phillip dubbed him The Enforcer, but Malcolm will probably be better remembered by him as The Assassin, not only of his Survivor life but also of his character because that's how Phillip's particular brand of crazy works. It enables him to accept the unavoidable while perpetuating the delusions that keep the crazy running like a well oiled machine. The unavoidable truth? Malcolm terminated him. The delusion that martyred Phillip, making his termination tolerable to him? Malcolm maligned his character, when, in reality (ours, not Phillip's), Malcolm merely stated a few irrefutable facts for the Tribal Council record.

It all began with Reynold winning the Immunity Challenge, spoiling the Stealth R Us plot to get rid of him. Not being a particularly imaginative bunch (and being run by a crazy despot and his idiot deputy), Stealth R Us switched the target to Malcolm, but clung to their favorite plan to always split those votes.

Malcolm literally pulled an Immunity Idol out of a hole in a rock to thwart Stealth R Us for a second time, causing the target to shift from him to Eddie and eliminating the split vote cherished by Phillip and his minions.

Which brings us to my favorite forum, Tribal Council, where Big Mouth Andrea announced that Eddie was going to be joining Michael at The Ponderosa because her alliance's first choice, Reynold, won immunity and their second choice, Malcolm, found an immunity idol, which Malcolm immediately produced for all to gawk at.

Big Mouth Andrea later proceeded to whine about how difficult it was for her to have to avoid Malcolm, Reynold, and Eddie at camp because of the target that it was making of her due to paranoia. She would probably still be running off at the mouth if Jeff hadn't interrupted her to ask Malcolm about tension at camp. And then...IT happened...the moment that very nearly redeemed the entire wretched season. Malcolm pulled out the Immunity Idol that no one knew he had and handed it to Eddie, giving Stealth R Us their third screwing of the day.

Nothing shines a bright light on incompetence like an unexpected development. Former special agent Phillip couldn't have been properly trained because he clearly did not have an alternate plan in place, and he demonstrated an incapacity for quick thinking when he told his fellow incompetents to vote the way that they had originally planned, even though Malcolm had announced that The Three Amigos, he, Reynold, and Eddie, would be voting for Phillip.

FACT:  Phillip selfishly ran Boston Rob's Survivor playbook without regard for the wishes or feelings of others.
FACT:  Phillip treated others with condescension and disrespect.
FACT:  Phillip's alliance did nothing to save him. (And they couldn't help themselves...they split those votes.)

To those responsible for the termination of Phillip, thank you. You have done Survivor fans everywhere a great service.

Survivor: Caramoan...Operation FUBAR

This week's installment of Survivor's current debacle, The Phillip Sheppard Show, can best be described as follows...

Nauseating. I'm not sure which tested the resolve of my queasy stomach more, The Specialist awkwardly wooing Sherri (code name Tenacity) into Stealth R Us, or Eddie's ego keeping him blissfully ignorant of Andrea's ulterior motives as she flirted shamelessly (and badly) with him.

Disappointing. How could Malcolm not know that Big Mouth Dawn running her big fat mouth was the reason that Corinne got blindsided at the last Tribal Council? His mistake would have made him the next to be blindsided if Andrea had been the least bit capable of running a proper blindside.

Embarrassing. Former super special federal agent Phillip was the first one out of the Immunity Challenge. Lucky for us, our national security never depended on The Specialist's ability to adapt to the changing tide.

Impressive. Brenda lived up to her Stealth R Us nickname, Serenity, and shamed one of our government's former finest *snickers* when she excelled at the waterboarding challenge.

Humiliating. Did I mention Eddie's ego? It let him get played by a girl and led him to sell out his alliance. Lucky for Malcolm, Eddie blabbing to Andrea that she was their target caused her brain to crash.

Irritating. Dawn stops crying long enough to try to play the game, runs her big fat mouth long enough to wreck the games of better players, and then dissolves back into a blubbering mess until it's time for her to start the wretched cycle all over again. Enough.

Social Grooming. Erik's only contribution to the sharing time portion of Tribal Council.

Petty. Sherri announced at Tribal Council that "Payback is a bitch." A bitch named Sherri?

Deja vu. A fool and his idol are soon parted. Again.

Genius. Malcolm talked Reynold right out of his Immunity Idol, guaranteeing his immediate safety and giving the false impression that he would be vulnerable at the next Tribal Council. That's why he's still one of my favorites.

Incompetent. See also:  Disappointing and Humiliating.

Add Certifiable to that last one, and you've got a pretty accurate summary of the entire season.

Survivor: Caramoan...Operation Damage Control

Nothing says desperate attempt to salvage a season of suck like a tribe shuffle disguised as a Reward Challenge (that didn't happen for the second time in a row). The even distribution of the "favorites" between the two tribes left the "fans" outnumbered in both tribes and set them up for their second screwing of the season.

The new Gota tribe is a combination of the strongest "favorites" and the most annoying "fans". Douches 1 and 2 (Reynold and Eddie) sucked up to Malcolm and Erik in a shameless attempt to curry favor and get rid of their enemy, Sherri, who busied herself in the same way with Andrea and Brenda. Happy to have an excuse to talk to Malcolm alone, Andrea blabbed everything she knew and then blindly accepted his blatant lie about not having an Immunity Idol as gospel. If Malcolm and Erik form a boys alliance with the douches and get rid of Andrea, it will serve her right for letting her lady parts do all her thinking for her.

The only real asset on the Bikal tribe is Cochran, who saw the potential threat of Matt's and Michael's obvious alliance and engineered Matt's exit from the game, in spite of Phillip's conviction that he could turn the pair into assets for Stealth R Us. Cochran is the only member of the current Bikal tribe that does not grate on my last nerve, and it is my sincere wish that when this wretched season finally ends it will be him sitting next to Malcolm.

The one person that seems to have benefited from the tribe shuffle is Andrea, who no longer has to compete with Corinne for facetime with Malcolm. It certainly wasn't any of the beleaguered fans watching this travesty play out, because we can't stomach the new configuration of feckless idiots any better than the old one.

I prefer to watch the implosion of the Quattro Alliance over on Big Brother Canada.

Survivor: Caramoan...Good Riddance To Dead Weight

Things I learned while watching Survivor this week...

Games that require physical strength and stamina and the ability to play nicely with others are typically won by ugly people because, according to Pretty People logic, the outwardly attractive are the real threats and, therefore, the first to be targeted and eliminated. Arrogance and aloofness have nothing to do with it. Nor does the inability to count past four.

The terminally lazy and obnoxious can contribute nothing and still demand to be served on command. And idiots will succumb to the tyranny of a self-styled king as they beg him not to abandon them.

Quitters are drama queens. Desperate to extricate themselves from self-created situations that they no longer find desirable, they will grasp any excuse available to them and attempt to hide their relief with expressions of exaggerated disappointment that would put a teenage girl worthy of her reputation to shame. Quitters with an idiot following also tend to engage in mutual love fests with said idiots that are as nauseating as they are phony.

Proficiency in the doggy paddle and the backstroke does not make one a qualified competitor or a valued asset to any team during challenges that require one to do any amount of swimming. Apparently, the inability to open a padlock without shaking with exhaustion doesn't either. Or was she too pretty to be allowed to stay?

A fool and his immunity idol are soon parted.

There is no shortage of stupid nicknames to bestow on others when the unmedicated aren't given enough to keep them busy. But, apparently, crazy can be calmed by repetitive throwing and channeled into targeting with deadly accuracy.

And most aggravating of all...The consumption of Black Russians does not make these people seem any less irritating, or make their craziness at all charming or entertaining.

Any suggestions would be considered helpful and greatly appreciated.

Survivor: Caramoan...Don't Talk To Me

Guess what. Shamar has a No Talking List. I kid you not. Gota's most obnoxious resident has created a list of fellow tribe members that are not allowed to talk to him. At the tippy top of said list is Reynold, who is (according to Shamar) a disgusting human being that won't share critical eye-wear during challenges, and Eddie, who is a loyal follower of Reynold and, therefore, persona non grata. I'm not sure which is more ludicrous...the existence of this list or the self-righteous indignation of Shamar whenever Reynold dares to violate it just to agitate him.

Not on Shamar's No Talking List is Hope, who benefits from his diarrhea of the mouth disorder when he blabs that she and Eddie better pack up before the next Tribal Council because one of them is going home. She uses this information to create chaos in the opposing alliance by blabbing to Julia, who proves the contagiousness of the disorder by blabbing Shamar's misdeed to everyone else. Too bad for Hope (and her ever diminishing clique) that all that running off at the mouth didn't accomplish anything, unless handing Jeff ammunition for Tribal Council counts as an accomplishment.

Speaking of Jeff...How easy is his job this season? Between the varying degrees of crazy loose in both tribes, the escalating acts of incompetence (like Reynold "hiding" his immunity idol in his girly pants), and the shocking willingness of all those motormouths to spill their guts with very little provocation, there is no shortage of fodder for our favorite reality show referee to choose from during quality sharing time, otherwise known as Tribal Council. The only real difficulty that he faces this season is making these people seem likable or competent, which is not possible as long as they are allowed to continue to speak.

There's a lot of talking going on over at the Bikal camp too, mostly by resident loonies Phillip, who, in addition to his prodigious abilities in the field of federal law enforcement, also possesses mad skills on the basketball court, and Brandon, who is ready to defile his tribe's supply of beans in retaliation for any wrong (real or perceived) committed against him. We also shouldn't overlook Andrea, who is operating solely on paranoia (jealousy?) and is targeting Corinne for being too close to Malcolm. Should Crazy R Us make it to the merge, I predict that they find themselves on Shamar's No Talking List.

Guess what. I have a No Talking List too. Shut up Shamar.

Survivor: Caramoan...Pretty People Problems

First, some clarification seems to be in order. Merriam-Webster defines a hasbeen as a person, especially one formerly popular, who continues in their field after their popularity has peaked and is now in decline. The "favorites" playing at Survivor this season never peaked. If they were remembered at all, it was for behaving in ways that were either loathsome, stupid, or certifiable. It is baffling that someone on Survivor's crack production team labelled them "favorites". I am certainly not about to perpetuate the travesty by slapping the title of "hasbeen" on them because, while it is not usually meant to be a compliment, it would be in this case and they don't deserve it any more than they deserve to be called "favorites". The exception is Malcolm whose popularity during his season places him squarely into both categories. I do not, as a hard and fast rule, support hasbeens, but, during a season of "favorites" where hasbeens have a legitimate place, I can root for Malcolm with impunity.

I sincerely hope that this has served to explain my position to the satisfaction of my twitter stalkers.

This week's installment of Crazy Running Amok opens with Brandon blowing his shit over Francesca being voted out first for the second time. This, apparently, is an atrocity that cannot go unpunished, prompting him to threaten antics that would make Uncle Russell look like a vulgar word for a specific lady part. Three whole days and the unstable are already showing signs of requiring soft restraints and powerful antipsychotics.

Speaking of people who are off their meds...Phillip is busy resurrecting Stealth R Us (which should have stayed dead) when he's not attempting (and failing) to channel Boston Rob. When Brandon refused to succumb to Phillip's cult leader speak, the certifiable, self-centered pot (Phillip) had the temerity to call the kettle (Brandon) crazy and narcissistic. *snickers*  My money's on "special agent Pink Panther Inspector Gadget" getting his pink undies kicked in the dirt by Lil Hantz, unless there's an intervention.

Life in the Gota camp is not much better. Shamar spends nineteen hours a day beached in the shade annoying the hell out of Reynold, who seems to be losing his mighty struggle to overcome his incapacitating adolescent mentality. As one of the Pretty People, Reynold reeks of entitlement and considers his advancement in the game a given. He confronted Shamar without provocation at camp, and barely gave that troublemaker Jeff a chance to ask him about Shamar at Tribal Council before running off at the mouth about Shamar's many failings as a fellow tribe member, his supposed to be hidden Immunity Idol bulging from the tight pants that he should have had the sense to leave at home where they belong. After a little prompting from Jeff (of course), Laura made everyone aware of it and Reynold got to rue picking vanity over practicality.

The brains powering the Pretty People was, supposedly, Allie, who was too busy frolicking with her new clique to notice that they were outnumbered and, therefore, in danger of being voted out of the game that she was there to play. She looked like she was hard at work on solving the mystery of all those pieces of paper with her name on them when Jeff snuffed her torch. And she was her alliance's best shot at making it to the Merge.

The thought that somebody in production could decide that these incompetents are our future "favorites" makes me cringe.

Survivor: Caramoan...Chronic Incompetence vs. Combative Idiocy

So...It seems that Survivor has poached Allison Grodner from Big Brother and is letting her make vital casting decisions. What other plausible explanation could there be for that sorry bunch of "favorites" that we were presented with on Wednesday night? I refuse to believe that Mark (Burnett) and Jeff (Probst) were responsible for screwing up such an important aspect of the game that badly.

I will not rip on all of them individually (yet), but, as a collective whole, the "favorites" are seriously lacking. If not for the opening clips narrated by Jeff, I would not have recalled who some of these people are, the only memorable returning players being so for acts of colossal stupidity (Erik) or for coming perilously close to requiring a three day lockdown for observation at a maximum security mental health facility (former federal agent Phillip). The only properly labeled "favorite" seems to be Malcolm, who some will probably complain in my Comments--I'm looking at you, Mike--has an unfair advantage over the other returning players because no one in the game has ever seen him play, his season not having aired before this season was filmed. To this I say, "Shut up, you malcontent", and "Go kick some ass, Malcom".

The season opener mostly revolved around the ridiculous grudge borne by Phillip, sporting shocking pink skivvies this time, toward Francesca, bent on burying a hatchet nobody cares about. Long and very boring story short...Francesca wins nothing but the dubious distinction of being the only player in Survivor history to be voted out first more than once. And I am forced to wonder (again) how she got picked for a season of Fans vs. Favorites.

Speaking of the "fans"...All we really know about them is that perpetual adolescence has fostered a Cool Kids Alliance (oh please) and two of its members, Reynold and Allie, made a secret alliance, only to out themselves by playing grab-ass at bedtime. We also got to see Shamar inexplicably picking a fight with Matt, and resting on his lazy butt while the rest of his tribe was hard at work on the shelter. All of which begs the question...Have these people ever seen this show? Real fans wouldn't make such rookie mistakes.

The presence of incompetent "fans" might explain the bizarre selection of "favorites". It levels the playing field. *sighs* It's going to be a long season.