Survivor: Caramoan...Not So Covert Ops

A season of Survivor bearing the title of Fans vs. Favorites implies that veterans of the game will be challenged by fans who have followed the game so closely that they could pose a threat to those with actual experience playing it. What did we get instead? Feckless idiots that carry on as if they've never seen the show before, and incompetent disciples of Boston Rob that can't keep their traps shut.

Reynold started the game as a Douche and finished it as an Amigo. He was smug and entitled until the tribe shuffle when he began associating with Malcolm and became someone I could almost root for. Almost. Maybe he'll be more likable next time around. Like Brenda.

Big Mouth Andrea made a rookie mistake and herself into a target when she blabbed her intentions to eliminate Dawn to Cochran, a known alliance of Dawn's. What happened next never had a tattling menopausal woman's chance at winning Survivor of achieving the magnificence of the moment that Malcolm pulled the trigger that ended Phillip's reign of militarized crazy. But the moment that The Terminator's lapse in paranoia got her terminated with an Immunity Idol in her pocket did give us this...

and this...

and this...

and came thisclose to not happening at all because those blabbermouths in her tribe have no off-switch once Jeff winds them up.

So...It took one whole episode to rid us of a former Douche and a terminal Big Mouth, leaving us with two feckless idiots and four incompetent disciples.

And scores of disgruntled fans.

Survivor: Caramoan...Under The Influence

What does a frat boy at a kegger have in common with a fan favorite at a Survivor Auction? Neither one can finish what he starts after he's had a few.

Booze is never a good idea when you need to keep your wits about you. Just ask Malcolm if slamming a few beers helped him to focus on that clue to the hidden Immunity Idol that he desperately needed to find. Something (experience) tells me that trying to commit a few simple instructions to memory while a little bit snockered was not one of the easier things that he has ever attempted, especially since so much was riding on him getting it right.

Impaired reasoning led a slightly hungover Malcolm to the well, where he began a fruitless search for the elusive idol. He was interrupted by Nosy Andrea and her sidekick, Cochran, who parked themselves on top of the well and refused to let Malcolm hunt for his salvation in peace. After Cochran traipsed off to the little boys room, Malcolm and Andrea engaged in that favorite playground pastime, Standoff, until Malcolm surrendered his position, and his shot at surviving Tribal Council.

Outplayed during an endurance Immunity Challenge, outlasted by Pain In The Ass Andrea in a battle of wills, and unable to outwit a bunch of nitwits, Malcolm found himself booted to The Ponderosa, where The Specialist was waiting to play Special Ops: The Survivor Edition with him.

I cannot help feeling that, in spite of his failings, my favorite hasbeen deserved better.

Survivor: Caramoan...Stick To The Plan

It was so good that I had to see it again. And then, just because that man had behaved in such a putrid manner toward his fellow tribe mates, I had to watch it a third time. The Three Amigos cancelled The Phillip Sheppard Show in what will likely go down in Survivor history as the best Tribal Council ever.

Phillip dubbed him The Enforcer, but Malcolm will probably be better remembered by him as The Assassin, not only of his Survivor life but also of his character because that's how Phillip's particular brand of crazy works. It enables him to accept the unavoidable while perpetuating the delusions that keep the crazy running like a well oiled machine. The unavoidable truth? Malcolm terminated him. The delusion that martyred Phillip, making his termination tolerable to him? Malcolm maligned his character, when, in reality (ours, not Phillip's), Malcolm merely stated a few irrefutable facts for the Tribal Council record.

It all began with Reynold winning the Immunity Challenge, spoiling the Stealth R Us plot to get rid of him. Not being a particularly imaginative bunch (and being run by a crazy despot and his idiot deputy), Stealth R Us switched the target to Malcolm, but clung to their favorite plan to always split those votes.

Malcolm literally pulled an Immunity Idol out of a hole in a rock to thwart Stealth R Us for a second time, causing the target to shift from him to Eddie and eliminating the split vote cherished by Phillip and his minions.

Which brings us to my favorite forum, Tribal Council, where Big Mouth Andrea announced that Eddie was going to be joining Michael at The Ponderosa because her alliance's first choice, Reynold, won immunity and their second choice, Malcolm, found an immunity idol, which Malcolm immediately produced for all to gawk at.

Big Mouth Andrea later proceeded to whine about how difficult it was for her to have to avoid Malcolm, Reynold, and Eddie at camp because of the target that it was making of her due to paranoia. She would probably still be running off at the mouth if Jeff hadn't interrupted her to ask Malcolm about tension at camp. And then...IT happened...the moment that very nearly redeemed the entire wretched season. Malcolm pulled out the Immunity Idol that no one knew he had and handed it to Eddie, giving Stealth R Us their third screwing of the day.

Nothing shines a bright light on incompetence like an unexpected development. Former special agent Phillip couldn't have been properly trained because he clearly did not have an alternate plan in place, and he demonstrated an incapacity for quick thinking when he told his fellow incompetents to vote the way that they had originally planned, even though Malcolm had announced that The Three Amigos, he, Reynold, and Eddie, would be voting for Phillip.

FACT:  Phillip selfishly ran Boston Rob's Survivor playbook without regard for the wishes or feelings of others.
FACT:  Phillip treated others with condescension and disrespect.
FACT:  Phillip's alliance did nothing to save him. (And they couldn't help themselves...they split those votes.)

To those responsible for the termination of Phillip, thank you. You have done Survivor fans everywhere a great service.

Survivor: Caramoan...Operation FUBAR

This week's installment of Survivor's current debacle, The Phillip Sheppard Show, can best be described as follows...

Nauseating. I'm not sure which tested the resolve of my queasy stomach more, The Specialist awkwardly wooing Sherri (code name Tenacity) into Stealth R Us, or Eddie's ego keeping him blissfully ignorant of Andrea's ulterior motives as she flirted shamelessly (and badly) with him.

Disappointing. How could Malcolm not know that Big Mouth Dawn running her big fat mouth was the reason that Corinne got blindsided at the last Tribal Council? His mistake would have made him the next to be blindsided if Andrea had been the least bit capable of running a proper blindside.

Embarrassing. Former super special federal agent Phillip was the first one out of the Immunity Challenge. Lucky for us, our national security never depended on The Specialist's ability to adapt to the changing tide.

Impressive. Brenda lived up to her Stealth R Us nickname, Serenity, and shamed one of our government's former finest *snickers* when she excelled at the waterboarding challenge.

Humiliating. Did I mention Eddie's ego? It let him get played by a girl and led him to sell out his alliance. Lucky for Malcolm, Eddie blabbing to Andrea that she was their target caused her brain to crash.

Irritating. Dawn stops crying long enough to try to play the game, runs her big fat mouth long enough to wreck the games of better players, and then dissolves back into a blubbering mess until it's time for her to start the wretched cycle all over again. Enough.

Social Grooming. Erik's only contribution to the sharing time portion of Tribal Council.

Petty. Sherri announced at Tribal Council that "Payback is a bitch." A bitch named Sherri?

Deja vu. A fool and his idol are soon parted. Again.

Genius. Malcolm talked Reynold right out of his Immunity Idol, guaranteeing his immediate safety and giving the false impression that he would be vulnerable at the next Tribal Council. That's why he's still one of my favorites.

Incompetent. See also:  Disappointing and Humiliating.

Add Certifiable to that last one, and you've got a pretty accurate summary of the entire season.

Survivor: Caramoan...The Flaw in the Plan

I love The Merge. It ratchets the paranoia, shatters any complacency, and breaks already fragile spirits. It tests old loyalties and new alliances. And, perhaps most entertaining of all, it pushes the limits of patience, especially the patience of those wanting to make a big move, either to remove someone they perceive to be a huge threat to them or to rid themselves of someone so irritating that forced cohabitation no longer seems possible.

I cannot stand The Phillip Sheppard Show that fans of Survivor are subjected to every Wednesday night, and I do not want to imagine what being stuck in the middle of its production must have been like. Phillip's special brand of crazy is the least offensive thing about him, but must be hellish to deal with once the initial introductions are over. His narcissism, arrogance, and condescension are probably what breaks people subjected to them for any length of time, and by Day 20 makes them desperate to blindside him out of existence.

Twenty days is nineteen and a half days longer than I could put up with being dismissed like I was too stupid to have an opinion that mattered, so Corinne is to be commended for managing to tolerate his boorish behavior for as long as she did. That said, she blew her own game by plotting against her enemy at a time when it is critical to survival that one appear harmless. She might have gotten away with it, however, if she had not made one more mistake. She told Dawn.

When Dawn isn't crying, she is the Caramoan version of Twitter, constantly updating everyone on what everyone else is doing. So, it was no surprise to anyone (except Corinne) that she tattled Corinne's plan to overthrow "Lord Phillip of the High Shelter" (nice one, Reynold) as soon as she learned of it.

Phillip, predictably, was indignant when the news reached him courtesy of Andrea (of course) because he is the only one allowed to do any plotting. It must be one of the rules in his mental guide to running a Survivor dictatorship that he learned at the feet of his master, Boston Rob. He declared Corinne targeted for elimination and his minions scurried to carry out his orders. *shakes head in confusion*  Two seasons of this foolishness haven't brought me any closer to understanding cult mentality.

Survivor's crack editing staff kept how Andrea managed to get Erik to betray his brand new boys alliance a secret, but his vote was the one that Phillip needed to demonstrate his dominance, making an example of Corinne and making the rest of us want to vomit.

The upside of this particular mess? Erik was under a lot of pressure as the swing vote, yet he managed to get Corinne's name right. With his history, I wouldn't have been surprised if he had written his own. Does that count?

Survivor: Caramoan...Crackpots R Us

So...It seems that crazy is contagious. What else would explain the continued support of the non compos mentis self-appointed leader of the Bikal tribe by its members? His "leadership" is not wanted and his fantasy role play is mocked, yet his instructions are followed, losses are suffered, and his reign continues. Phillip thinks he can pretend to be Boston Rob and win this game. Do his subordinates really think that they can play Phillip the way that Boston Rob did and win this game? If so, then dysfunctional thinking is communicable, and these people will be lucky to survive the Merge.

Except Cochran. He seems to be the only member of the Bikal tribe playing his own game rather than bumbling along as a pale imitation of Boston Rob. It may be true that Cochran pulls Phillip's strings on occasion, but he does it with a subtlety and humanity that Boston Rob lacked, making Cochran's only similarity to him easy to forgive.

The most irritatingly bothersome of Phillip's inferiors is Dawn, vying for Andrea's title of Biggest Blabbermouth. She reported directly to Phillip after Julia told her in strictest confidence that she had been assigned a top secret double agent mission and ordered not to discuss it with anyone. Julia may have been the boring one of the group, but she demonstrated her immunity to the Boston Rob Syndrome rampaging the Bikal camp when she challenged Dawn's delusions by proxy, questioning the tribe's subservience to an obvious headcase. Nothing, not even the use of the word 'bully', triggered Dawn's ability to think for herself, but was enough to put Julia in Phillip's cross-hairs when Dawn blabbed to him.

Which brings us to the Immunity Challenge that Phillip "confessed" to Cochran he threw to ensure that the tribe would go into the Merge with one less "fan" to threaten their numbers. He lied. He either blew the challenge and his pride wouldn't allow him to admit it because of the debacle his "leadership" created of the Reward Challenge, or he did indeed let Reynold beat him at Grappling Hook Toss, but it was not for the good of the tribe as he claimed, but to punish Julia for her insubordination.

Dissension in the ranks almost led to a reprieve for Julia when Corinne dared to defy Phillip and refused to split the "favorites" votes between Julia and Michael, outing her alliance with Michael and causing Phillip to target Michael because that is what the crazy in his head was telling him Boston Rob would do. But sanity (Cochran?) managed to prevail at Tribal Council, the tie that Corinne had not wanted forcing a second vote that unanimously booted the sixth "fan" from the game.

I hope that Boston Rob is proud of the travesty his disciples have made of this season.

Survivor: Caramoan...Operation Damage Control

Nothing says desperate attempt to salvage a season of suck like a tribe shuffle disguised as a Reward Challenge (that didn't happen for the second time in a row). The even distribution of the "favorites" between the two tribes left the "fans" outnumbered in both tribes and set them up for their second screwing of the season.

The new Gota tribe is a combination of the strongest "favorites" and the most annoying "fans". Douches 1 and 2 (Reynold and Eddie) sucked up to Malcolm and Erik in a shameless attempt to curry favor and get rid of their enemy, Sherri, who busied herself in the same way with Andrea and Brenda. Happy to have an excuse to talk to Malcolm alone, Andrea blabbed everything she knew and then blindly accepted his blatant lie about not having an Immunity Idol as gospel. If Malcolm and Erik form a boys alliance with the douches and get rid of Andrea, it will serve her right for letting her lady parts do all her thinking for her.

The only real asset on the Bikal tribe is Cochran, who saw the potential threat of Matt's and Michael's obvious alliance and engineered Matt's exit from the game, in spite of Phillip's conviction that he could turn the pair into assets for Stealth R Us. Cochran is the only member of the current Bikal tribe that does not grate on my last nerve, and it is my sincere wish that when this wretched season finally ends it will be him sitting next to Malcolm.

The one person that seems to have benefited from the tribe shuffle is Andrea, who no longer has to compete with Corinne for facetime with Malcolm. It certainly wasn't any of the beleaguered fans watching this travesty play out, because we can't stomach the new configuration of feckless idiots any better than the old one.

I prefer to watch the implosion of the Quattro Alliance over on Big Brother Canada.

Survivor: Caramoan...Certifiable Tantrum

It was the hissy fit that we all saw coming. From the moment that we learned that the nuttier than a fruitcake Phillip and Brandon the poster boy for anger management were going to be forced to share the same patch of sandy squalor, we knew that somebody's self-control was going to grind to a screeching halt, causing the kind of mayhem not usually found outside the confines of popular hangouts frequented by teenagers.

It was just a matter of time.

It took twelve days. Twelve days of Phillip yammering nonstop about himself. Twelve days of Phillip prattling on about Stealth R Us and assigning spy-themed nicknames that any prepubescent boy would be proud to bear. Twelve days of Phillip (in the role of Boston Rob) dictating and condescending and endlessly irritating. I usually require beverages of the alcoholic variety in order to better suffer people like that for longer than an hour. I cannot fathom being trapped for twelve days in the eighth circle of Hell with Phillip and nothing to preserve my sanity but warm water and a sense of humor.

On the thirteenth day, Brandon snapped. After ping-ponging between volunteering to quit and playing the game he signed up for, Brandon lost control of himself and his decision to stay when Phillip's narcissism elevated Phillip to hero status and neglected to share the credit that Brandon deserved for his equal contribution during the Reward Challenge. The confrontation led to Phillip dubbing Brandon "persona non grata" and devising a plan to throw the next Immunity Challenge in order to rid himself of an outspoken dissenter in his ranks sooner rather than later.

Phillip shared his top secret plan with his trusted underling The Terminator (Big Mouth Andrea who suffers from the worst case of diarrhea of the mouth in Survivor history), who promptly blabbed it to Brandon, who, predictably, reacted badly. The tribe's supplies of rice and beans were dumped on the ground and a physical confrontation seemed imminent.

Stealth R Us unanimously decided that Brandon's instability had become a liability, necessitating his immediate departure from the game. They forfeited the Immunity Challenge, aired their dirty laundry at a public Tribal Council held at the challenge site, and voted Brandon out of the game.

Being a Hantz, Brandon is not wired to go quietly. He informed the "fans" that he had leveled the playing field for them by ensuring that the "favorites" would starve right along with them and begged them not to let Phillip get to the Final Tribal Council. He aired his views about Phillip pretending to be Boston Rob, giving orders and assigning nicknames, Phillip being dragged through his season of Survivor by Boston Rob who used him as everyone made fun of him, and Phillip's condescension toward him. He threatened Phillip with physical violence, but was kept calm by Jeff, who gave one of his finer performances as he balanced his role of instigator with that of unlicensed shrink.

Brandon's behavior has raised the question of the responsibility that reality show producers bear for casting people with emotional issues into situations guaranteed to unhinge them for the sake of ratings. It may very well be true that competing on Survivor was not good for Brandon at the time and the professionals charged with making that call failed him when they did not act in his best interest. I cannot presume to know.

What I do know? Brandon stood up to insufferable self-appointed leader, Boston Rob's failed disciple, Phillip. And it took twelve days longer than it probably should have.