Survivor: Caramoan...Delusions of Greatness

...And then there are times when I absolutely revel in being right.

A unanimous vote awarded Cochran a million dollars and the title of sole Survivor on Sunday night, mercifully concluding a disappointing season that began with an ill-conceived assembly of obnoxious incompetents and then dragged interminably through narcissistic crusades and borderline psychotic breakdowns. At least the end of this wreck was satisfactory in that the Survivor that played the best game was the one that emerged victorious.

Cochran was the master of his own fate right to the end. He secured his seat at the final Tribal Council by winning the final Immunity Challenge, and controlled the vote that determined who would sit next to him.

The final Tribal Council was a demonstration of the jury's universal admiration for Cochran and their disgust for Dawn and Sherri, the only two people present that were ignorant of the absurdity of their convictions that they had earned their places there.

And, because sometimes the worst players make the most entertaining jurors, we were blessed with the following...

Eddie challenged Sherri to admit that her useless ass had been dragged all the way to the final three. Her denial only made us, and the jury, laugh that much harder.

The Specialist kicked Sherri (codename Tenacity) out of his beloved Stealth R Us, permanently revoking all rights and privileges.

Ironically, my favorite moment was bestowed on us courtesy of my least favorite player...Phillip's priceless imitation of Dawn in the throes of one of her countless emotional collapses. And his declaration that she was a disruptive force around camp was as funny as it was hypocritical.

Erik brought Sherri's delusional parade to an abrupt halt when he informed the self-proclaimed, "underestimated leader of her alliance" that she was just a "seashell on the beach". Her reaction to this is unfathomable--he could have called her an abhorrent freeloader and not been exaggerating--and her antagonistic responses were as foolish as her high opinion of her so-called game play.

And then we bore witness to one of the most disgusting displays of petty vengeance...

Brenda has claimed that she has no regrets about anything she did this season. This atrocity should have been the exception.

Cochran played a masterful game while enduring Phillip's insanity, Brandon's emotional instability, and Dawn's daily histrionics, and the moment that he was handed his hard-earned check was the only redeeming quality of that travesty of a Reunion Show.

Brandon Hantz was banned from the Reunion Show, and the brain trust in charge of decision making over at Survivor parked the pre-jury competitors in the audience, rather than on stage where they belonged, and ignored them in a pitiful attempt to disguise Brandon's absence. Frankly, Brandon deserved better, and the people that became collateral damage of more than one poor decision made by the executive producers this season deserved better.

And since I'm already ranting, I might as well express my disgust at the following...

Jeff coerced Dawn into publicly apologizing to Brenda, but Brenda's actions did not merit an apology to Dawn?

Apparently, The Specialist has been handing out Stealth R Us nicknames on the street, giving Survivor's executive producers the flimsy excuse they needed to foist a montage of The Phillip Sheppard Show on an audience that can no longer stomach it.

A hasbeen peddling his book should not have been given valuable airtime when there were competitors from this season sitting in the audience.


There are only two good things that can be said about this season of Survivor as a whole...

The cancellation of The Phillip Sheppard Show by The Three Amigos.

And, Survivor: Caramoan was better than Survivor: One World. But not by much.


Big Brother 15 is scheduled to start on Wednesday June 26th. Rumor has it that Allison Grodner will not be dragging in hasbeens, as "returning players" or as "coaches", this season. Wouldn't it be great if it was true?

Survivor: Caramoan...Kindness Begets Betrayal

Unwritten Survivor commandment number three...Thou shalt not commit any deed that could be perceived as good for it will not go unpunished.

Brenda and her daddy rocked the Reward Challenge, only to be faced with a painful choice courtesy of those sadists on Probst's crack production team. It could have been because she possesses a kind heart, or maybe she wanted to curry favor with potential jury members, or perhaps she just couldn't stomach another moment of this...

Whatever the reason, Brenda chose to bestow the floating barbecue reward on the four remaining survivors and their loved ones, denying herself, Dawn, and their loved ones the reward that she had won, making Dawn break down and weep uncontrollably. AGAIN.

Brenda, who had already spent an unconscionable amount of time as Dawn's caretaker this season, wasted an entire afternoon putting that emotional train wreck back on its rails while having to endure the sights and sounds of her fellow survivors partying down with their loved ones nearby.

Dawn's selfishness raged on at the Immunity Challenge, where she begged Brenda to throw the challenge because she wanted to win one. Again, I can only guess at Brenda's motives, but the challenge was indeed thrown and it was done in a way that made it look as though Dawn won it for real instead of by default. With the exception of anything involving Phillip, Dawn celebrating her faux victory was the most revolting moment of the season.

Given the circumstances, blindsiding Brenda was a particularly cutthroat move. It was also unbelievably stupid. Cochran, who has successfully manipulated others into doing his dirty work for him, and Sherri, who is nothing but a shameless floater, probably won't suffer too much jury hostility, for this at least. But, Dawn, who had betrayed three of the five jury members, could not afford to stab Brenda in the heart in such a cold-hearted manner, bringing her tally of disgruntled jurors to four. Dawn's emotional instability, which may or may not be fueled by her full-blown menopause, clouded her judgement and, barring a miracle (someone committing an act more heinous than hers), cost her any likability that she may have garnered with the jury.

Of the five remaining survivors, Cochran probably has the best shot at winning. He's played a shrewd game, manipulating outcomes without appearing to do so, thereby making few, if any, enemies, and hovering just below the radar by winning too few challenges to be perceived as a legitimate threat, or the "challenge beast" that he proclaimed himself to be.

The last Amigo (formerly known as Douche 2) could find himself sitting at the Final Tribal Council due to an oversight by the tattered remains of Stealth R Us, who have been way too preoccupied with blindsiding each other to dispatch Eddie to the jury where he belongs. He might even find himself with enough votes to win the game since two of the current jury members were allied with him once upon a time and the other four bear no grudges against him.

If shameless floating is a legitimate strategy in Survivor, and if performing atrociously in challenges and possessing an abrasive personality command an iota of respect, then, by all means, give the million dollars to the irritating woman that erroneously believed that she could control Shamar.

Erik's Survivor vacation was frequently interrupted by pesky challenges that required him to exert himself, and meetings with Jeff, who made him write names that weren't his own on pieces of paper, which required him to pay attention. The irony? Erik has a decent shot at winning a million dollars if he's parked next to the two most reviled players left in the game, Dawn and Sherri, at the Final Tribal Council.

After the first episode, I predicted that this season was not going to make me happy. Sometimes, I hate it when I'm right.

Survivor: Caramoan...Not So Covert Ops

A season of Survivor bearing the title of Fans vs. Favorites implies that veterans of the game will be challenged by fans who have followed the game so closely that they could pose a threat to those with actual experience playing it. What did we get instead? Feckless idiots that carry on as if they've never seen the show before, and incompetent disciples of Boston Rob that can't keep their traps shut.

Reynold started the game as a Douche and finished it as an Amigo. He was smug and entitled until the tribe shuffle when he began associating with Malcolm and became someone I could almost root for. Almost. Maybe he'll be more likable next time around. Like Brenda.

Big Mouth Andrea made a rookie mistake and herself into a target when she blabbed her intentions to eliminate Dawn to Cochran, a known alliance of Dawn's. What happened next never had a tattling menopausal woman's chance at winning Survivor of achieving the magnificence of the moment that Malcolm pulled the trigger that ended Phillip's reign of militarized crazy. But the moment that The Terminator's lapse in paranoia got her terminated with an Immunity Idol in her pocket did give us this...

and this...

and this...

and came thisclose to not happening at all because those blabbermouths in her tribe have no off-switch once Jeff winds them up.

So...It took one whole episode to rid us of a former Douche and a terminal Big Mouth, leaving us with two feckless idiots and four incompetent disciples.

And scores of disgruntled fans.

Survivor: Caramoan...Under The Influence

What does a frat boy at a kegger have in common with a fan favorite at a Survivor Auction? Neither one can finish what he starts after he's had a few.

Booze is never a good idea when you need to keep your wits about you. Just ask Malcolm if slamming a few beers helped him to focus on that clue to the hidden Immunity Idol that he desperately needed to find. Something (experience) tells me that trying to commit a few simple instructions to memory while a little bit snockered was not one of the easier things that he has ever attempted, especially since so much was riding on him getting it right.

Impaired reasoning led a slightly hungover Malcolm to the well, where he began a fruitless search for the elusive idol. He was interrupted by Nosy Andrea and her sidekick, Cochran, who parked themselves on top of the well and refused to let Malcolm hunt for his salvation in peace. After Cochran traipsed off to the little boys room, Malcolm and Andrea engaged in that favorite playground pastime, Standoff, until Malcolm surrendered his position, and his shot at surviving Tribal Council.

Outplayed during an endurance Immunity Challenge, outlasted by Pain In The Ass Andrea in a battle of wills, and unable to outwit a bunch of nitwits, Malcolm found himself booted to The Ponderosa, where The Specialist was waiting to play Special Ops: The Survivor Edition with him.

I cannot help feeling that, in spite of his failings, my favorite hasbeen deserved better.

Survivor: Caramoan...Stick To The Plan

It was so good that I had to see it again. And then, just because that man had behaved in such a putrid manner toward his fellow tribe mates, I had to watch it a third time. The Three Amigos cancelled The Phillip Sheppard Show in what will likely go down in Survivor history as the best Tribal Council ever.

Phillip dubbed him The Enforcer, but Malcolm will probably be better remembered by him as The Assassin, not only of his Survivor life but also of his character because that's how Phillip's particular brand of crazy works. It enables him to accept the unavoidable while perpetuating the delusions that keep the crazy running like a well oiled machine. The unavoidable truth? Malcolm terminated him. The delusion that martyred Phillip, making his termination tolerable to him? Malcolm maligned his character, when, in reality (ours, not Phillip's), Malcolm merely stated a few irrefutable facts for the Tribal Council record.

It all began with Reynold winning the Immunity Challenge, spoiling the Stealth R Us plot to get rid of him. Not being a particularly imaginative bunch (and being run by a crazy despot and his idiot deputy), Stealth R Us switched the target to Malcolm, but clung to their favorite plan to always split those votes.

Malcolm literally pulled an Immunity Idol out of a hole in a rock to thwart Stealth R Us for a second time, causing the target to shift from him to Eddie and eliminating the split vote cherished by Phillip and his minions.

Which brings us to my favorite forum, Tribal Council, where Big Mouth Andrea announced that Eddie was going to be joining Michael at The Ponderosa because her alliance's first choice, Reynold, won immunity and their second choice, Malcolm, found an immunity idol, which Malcolm immediately produced for all to gawk at.

Big Mouth Andrea later proceeded to whine about how difficult it was for her to have to avoid Malcolm, Reynold, and Eddie at camp because of the target that it was making of her due to paranoia. She would probably still be running off at the mouth if Jeff hadn't interrupted her to ask Malcolm about tension at camp. And then...IT happened...the moment that very nearly redeemed the entire wretched season. Malcolm pulled out the Immunity Idol that no one knew he had and handed it to Eddie, giving Stealth R Us their third screwing of the day.

Nothing shines a bright light on incompetence like an unexpected development. Former special agent Phillip couldn't have been properly trained because he clearly did not have an alternate plan in place, and he demonstrated an incapacity for quick thinking when he told his fellow incompetents to vote the way that they had originally planned, even though Malcolm had announced that The Three Amigos, he, Reynold, and Eddie, would be voting for Phillip.

FACT:  Phillip selfishly ran Boston Rob's Survivor playbook without regard for the wishes or feelings of others.
FACT:  Phillip treated others with condescension and disrespect.
FACT:  Phillip's alliance did nothing to save him. (And they couldn't help themselves...they split those votes.)

To those responsible for the termination of Phillip, thank you. You have done Survivor fans everywhere a great service.

Survivor: Caramoan...Operation FUBAR

This week's installment of Survivor's current debacle, The Phillip Sheppard Show, can best be described as follows...

Nauseating. I'm not sure which tested the resolve of my queasy stomach more, The Specialist awkwardly wooing Sherri (code name Tenacity) into Stealth R Us, or Eddie's ego keeping him blissfully ignorant of Andrea's ulterior motives as she flirted shamelessly (and badly) with him.

Disappointing. How could Malcolm not know that Big Mouth Dawn running her big fat mouth was the reason that Corinne got blindsided at the last Tribal Council? His mistake would have made him the next to be blindsided if Andrea had been the least bit capable of running a proper blindside.

Embarrassing. Former super special federal agent Phillip was the first one out of the Immunity Challenge. Lucky for us, our national security never depended on The Specialist's ability to adapt to the changing tide.

Impressive. Brenda lived up to her Stealth R Us nickname, Serenity, and shamed one of our government's former finest *snickers* when she excelled at the waterboarding challenge.

Humiliating. Did I mention Eddie's ego? It let him get played by a girl and led him to sell out his alliance. Lucky for Malcolm, Eddie blabbing to Andrea that she was their target caused her brain to crash.

Irritating. Dawn stops crying long enough to try to play the game, runs her big fat mouth long enough to wreck the games of better players, and then dissolves back into a blubbering mess until it's time for her to start the wretched cycle all over again. Enough.

Social Grooming. Erik's only contribution to the sharing time portion of Tribal Council.

Petty. Sherri announced at Tribal Council that "Payback is a bitch." A bitch named Sherri?

Deja vu. A fool and his idol are soon parted. Again.

Genius. Malcolm talked Reynold right out of his Immunity Idol, guaranteeing his immediate safety and giving the false impression that he would be vulnerable at the next Tribal Council. That's why he's still one of my favorites.

Incompetent. See also:  Disappointing and Humiliating.

Add Certifiable to that last one, and you've got a pretty accurate summary of the entire season.