Survivor: Philippines...A Million Dollar Mistake

Sometimes I hate it when I'm right. Malcolm blew his shot at a big payday when he sent Abi to join the pity party raging at the Ponderosa instead of Denise because he either forgot or ignored unwritten Survivor commandment number two...Thou shalt trust no one but thyself because even members of thine own alliance will cut thy throat for a million dollars. Malcolm trusted two floaters to honor their final three deal with him, and it cost him the game. *heaves huge sigh of disappointment*

At least the jury got it right. They awarded the victory and the big pile of money to the Survivor at the final Tribal Council that played the best game. Accusations that the jury as a whole was influenced by the bitterness of some of its members could have some merit. However, the decision rendered by the jury was the correct one, given the game Denise played compared to those played by Lisa and Michael, regardless of how it was arrived at. Denise was a Tribal Council warrior who survived three different tribes, Lisa let the game play her instead of the other way around, and Michael played most of the game in the role of Lisa's plus one. The jury's verdict may have been a punishment to Lisa and Michael for their betrayals as some have insinuated, but, since Denise was clearly the superior player, the verdict was just.

A few words about the Reunion...

Bitterness. RC was right. Pete wrecked her game for the sake of a little chaos, which eventually led to the implosion of the Tandang alliance. But the game ended months ago. Her hostility should have ended with it.

Redundancy. Lisa's issues were showcased ad nauseum every week without exception. Giving her precious airtime during the Reunion to address them AGAIN was cruel to the already beleaguered viewers that were in no way responsible for her Player of the Season win. *gags*

Hunger. Apparently, poor Carter was starving, not stoned. He should probably see a doctor about having his blood glucose monitored regularly.

Restraining Order. Jeff Probst needs one immediately. His stalker's behavior is escalating.

Overall, this season of Survivor was a vast improvement over recent seasons (last season was virtually unwatchable). Most of the players were likable even if they were incompetent, the exception being Abi who was both. The challenges were decent, even though all those multi round Immunity Challenges seemed to offer too many second and third chances when one should suffice with something so vital on the line. And, Jeff was present (literally and figuratively), getting the job done in a way that others can only hope to emulate--I'm looking at you, Julie Chen. He pushed all of the players to be the Survivors that they signed up to be and called them out on everything, drawing attention to the lazy and/or incompetent during challenges and asking the questions that made all the right people squirm.

This season made me want to come back again next season. See you in February.

Survivor: Philippines...Unlikable Dead Weight

Pete was a casualty of his own arrogance and his allegiance's mistreatment of its fringe members, who predictably grew sick and tired of being bullied and created a majority against the Evil Three, which is now down to its last member.

Abi owes RC, and her clue to the location of the hidden immunity idol that she later found, to her continued presence in the game. She sucks at challenges, so her only hope now that her idol has been played is that the Survivors aligned against her change their current stance regarding the kind of game they want to play.

Denise announced at Tribal Council that the prevailing strategy is to not allow the dead weight (those that contribute and/or accomplish nothing) and the unlikable (those who behave without consideration for the feelings of others) to make it to the end. No one disputed this, or even looked like they were in disagreement.

After calling Abi out on her shameless sucking up to the jury, Jeff attempted to help her shift some of the blame for her behavior to the cultural differences between her and her tribe mates. She was nasty to anyone that did not say and do exactly as she demanded, she bragged incessantly about the reward that her team won without any help from her, and she behaved like a princess after the reward, refusing to help with the work at camp because she wanted to enjoy whatever time she had left. Selfishness and entitlement are not behaviors that result from cultural confusion. They are character flaws that put Abi squarely into the dead weight and unlikable categories that Denise spoke of.

Jonathan was right. Abi will not win this time. No matter how long she lasts.

Note: Once again...Thank you to the artistic geniuses over at survivorsucks.yuku.com for the excellent gif of Denise.

Survivor: Philippines...The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly Part One

Malcolm boldly challenged the opposing alliance and risked his Survivor life by running a bluff that kept his idol in the game and the Tandang alliance off balance. He also wisely showed Lisa the grace and mercy that she desperately needed after betraying him. Very good. And my new favorite.

Denise orchestrated the termination of the Evil Three's most valuable, yet least protected, player, Artis. She is a triple threat; smart, strong, and likable. Definitely good. And I wouldn't mind seeing her make it to the end with her ally, Malcolm.

Jonathan blew the vote that could have saved his ally, Jeff Kent. Very, very bad. It was his strategy during the Reward Challenge that gave his team a clear advantage, which led to their victory and a new alliance for him. Very good. He then began a one man crusade to manipulate Lisa into switching alliances by playing on her need to be viewed in a positive light. Morally ambiguous, but strategically necessary and good. He successfully lured Michael away from the Tandang alliance, giving his new alliance the numbers they needed to take Artis out of the game. Also very good. It galls me that I keep finding myself rooting for him when I loathe his presence in the game on principle.

Pete blew the blindside of Malcolm, which proved to be detrimental to his Evil Three alliance. Definitely bad. He is also a troublemaker with no motivation other than a compulsion to disrupt the order of the universe, like the retired jackass in my neighborhood that drives ten miles under the speed limit every weekday morning, making everybody stuck behind him late for work. Bad and ugly. He can get kicked off the island next.

Artis arrogantly believed that bullies are untouchable. Very bad. He mistakenly thought that treating people badly is not only acceptable, but the best way to keep them loyal. Very ugly. He got what he deserved.

Note:  Part Two will be posted on Wednesday.

Survivor: Philippines...Diarrhea of the Mouth

     The inability to keep one's trap shut is an affliction that manifests itself in early childhood--talking while the teacher is talking, tattling the misdeeds of others to persons in authority--but is often outgrown sometime during adolescence, the exception being some teenage girls who possess an overabundance of information courtesy of the social media, which makes overcoming the urge to blab everything they know a near impossibility. Adults still struggling with this malady should not be told anything more salacious than what you consumed for breakfast (unless alcohol was involved), and they should most certainly never, ever be told something as vital to survival as whether you're holding an immunity idol if you were to be unfortunate enough to find yourself stuck on an island with them.

     While not the biggest blabbermouth in the Philippines, Lisa did blab the biggest secret (twice), and set in motion a chain of ridiculousness that ultimately cost Jeff Kent his Survivor life, may he rest in reality game show peace. The repercussions of this questionable strategy will not be pretty because, when she betrayed a fringe member of her Tandang alliance, she incurred the wrath of the Evil Three's token nutjob, Abi, who took the news of Lisa's transgression in much the same way that a snake would after being poked with a sharp stick.

     Abi, however, should be the last one to point an accusatory finger at anyone, being a less than stellar secret keeper herself. If memory serves, she leaked info about RC's clue to the location of a hidden immunity idol to Pete once upon a not very long ago time. More recently, she ran off at the mouth about her alliance hierarchy to Carter in front of Michael, and then whipped out her immunity idol with very little provocation from Jeff (Probst) and no discernible reason at Tribal Council. Apparently, crazy exacerbates dysfunctional thought processes which triggers motormouth disorder.

     Nothing brings a blindside to a screaming halt like a foolish bigmouth who doesn't recognize a golden opportunity when it gets delivered to him wrapped in a charming Texas accent. Pete deserves the imminent implosion of his Evil Three plus one (Lisa) alliance.

     In Malcolm's defense, he did not have a wealth of options at his disposal. Displaying his immunity idol and outing Lisa for making it common knowledge that he had it at Tribal Council may have bought him some time and put the hurt to Lisa's Tandang alliance.

     As for Jeff, the vets that he had plotted against from the beginning (purposely?) blew the vote that would have kept him in the game, leaving poor, perpetually confused (stoned?) Carter with no one to tell him what to do, and me needing a new favorite player.
     Let us observe a moment of silence...

Note: Thank you survivorsucks.yuku.com for the excellent gifs of Pete and Malcolm.

Survivor: Philippines...No Superheroes Here

     What is the difference between a superhero and a regular guy?  Apparently, superheroes don't throw hissy fits that would put a preschooler to shame, and regular guys (the narcissistic ones, anyway) get blindsided by their tribe at Tribal Council because they expect to be kept over people outperforming them.

     Russell liked to remind us on a regular basis that he nearly died the last time he played Survivor, and then attempted to prove his readiness to die playing it again by collapsing in exhaustion at every Immunity Challenge. He showcased his incompetence with his ineffectual search for the hidden immunity idol. He labored under the delusion that his "attitude of excellence" entitled him to a victory. *scratches head in confusion* By "attitude of excellence", he wouldn't be referring to his non-leadership skills that led to the dismantling of his tribe, would he? Or is an "attitude of excellence" what causes grown men to smash pots and holler at God when they lose? *shrugs shoulders* Whatever it is, it got his torch snuffed, and gave those of us that don't like vets contaminating our reality game shows a reason to express our delight in ways that we wouldn't want our teenage daughters (the ones that know what a hypocrite is) to know we do.

     Unfortunately, Russell's exit may not be delightful for those that he left behind. I predict that Jeff will be splitting them up and shipping them to separate tribes, where I don't expect them to fare very well, in spite of their impressive resumes, or, maybe, because of them.

     Malcolm's and Denise's best chance of surviving the termination of Matsing would be exile to Kalabaw, where each of them could be seen as a potential ally for either the female alliance or the male alliance (depending on which one of them draws the lucky buff), but will be expendable once the opposing alliance is either weakened or destroyed. The holder of the unlucky buff will be exiled to Tandang, which could be a death sentence. Tandang is where Abi lives.

     Early in the game, RC found the clue to the whereabouts of the immunity idol hidden at the Tandang camp and shared it with Abi. The besties then hid the clue in a mutually agreed upon secret location. Some time later, Abi picked a fight with RC for no discernible reason, threatened RC, shared RC's clue with Pete, found the hidden immunity idol with Pete using RC's clue, and kept the whole thing secret from RC. Pete, seeing an opportunity to create chaos and dissension, retrieved the clue from its hiding place and planted it among RC's belongings, where it was spotted by Abi, who, predictably, came unhinged. According to Tandang's chief betrayer of trust and blabber of secrets, RC broke her trust. Mental health professionals call that projection. Judges call that (combined with the threats) grounds for a restraining order.
     The "outlast" part of this game has a crazy new significance this season. Emphasis on crazy.
     The Tigers won their ALDS last night, so I will be celebrating in the most responsible (good example setting) way currently available to me. You can find me at Barnes and Noble. I will be the one in the classics section, reeking of white chocolate mocha lattes and biscotti. Hope to see you there.

Survivor: Philippines...Tales Of A Pageant Princess

     My other favorite hypocrites are the purely decorative ones. They have backgrounds steeped in pageantry and modeling contracts. They take inventory of the males in their vicinity and then attach themselves to the ones they deem most likely to protect them from hardship and solve their problems for them. And, best of all, they have a penchant for rewriting history as a means of avoiding taking responsibility for their actions, or lack thereof as the case may be.

     In a tribe rife with contradictions--a non-leader that bosses everyone around (Russell) and a "legit fit, army strong warrior" that was useless in physical challenges (Roxy)--Angie is the quitter that "never gives up" and, therefore, an ideal candidate for card carrying membership to the "goon squad of tribes".

     Miss Utah Teen USA 2010 is a self-proclaimed sports enthusiast that is "extremely competitive", yet she struggled to retrieve a puzzle piece submerged in two feet of water. One of her biggest pet peeves is lazy people, yet she refused to return to the water (sound familiar?), forcing Malcolm and Denise to take three turns apiece.

     The three-time losers returned to Tribal Council, where Matsing's latest hypocrite to occupy the hot seat asserts her non-culpability in their defeat at the Immunity Challenge by insisting that she never gave up during the challenge and blaming Russell for being a quitter. I am sure that, in the Happy Land of Denial going on in her head, this is true and just.

     Not so, in the Ticked Off Land of the Unjustly Accused going on in Russell's. He pronounces Angie's "revisionist history" a failure and dumps the blame back on Angie. Actually, Malcolm had it right. Russell and Angie were both to blame for Matsing's loss. It may be that Russell owned more of the responsibility than Angie, depending on your views regarding wasting exorbitant amounts of time with zero to show for it during challenges.

     The blame game resulted in a loss for Angie, who was sent packing by a unanimous vote, and for Malcolm, who is going to have to face those chilly island nights without his cuddle bunny.

     In other tribal news, Michael managed to carve up his face diving into the water while wearing a mask meant for snorkeling. *shakes head in disbelief* His medical insurance premiums must be through the roof. Also, Sybil, er, Abi has turned on her bestie, RC, and managed to locate the hidden immunity idol at the Tandang camp with the help of new bestie, Pete. I predict that it won't be long before Abi turns on him too, and then RC and Pete can start sleeping in shifts.
     So, what are your predictions? Who will survive the goon squad? Will Michael survive Survivor? And, if he does, will he be eligible for disability when he gets home? You've seen it. It's fair game. Let's talk about it.