Survivor: San Juan Del Sur...A Liar, A Quitter, and A Bunch of Nitwits

'Twas that precarious time right before The Merge when...

Jeff chastised the remaining incompetents on the Hunahpu tribe for ignoring some basic rules of Survivor, like rationing precious food and keeping track of vital possessions.

It poured rain on the deficient, and therefore tarpless, Hunahpus, but it was Julie that believed her suffering was somehow greater than that of her fellow tribe members, causing her to whine incessantly.

And, Dale promised his "Immunity Idol" to Jon in exchange for a free pass at Tribal Council.

Show of hands...Who is more than a little disappointed that we are being denied the opportunity to witness Jon or Jaclyn unwittingly play a fake Immunity Idol at a future Tribal Council?

The Merge pitted Jeremy and his allies against Josh and his allies, and Julie's needs against the needs of everyone else.

Apparently, Julie suffered from a lack of food in a way that was unique to the rest of her tribe, entitling her to hoard trail mix.

Busted and unwilling to face the consequences of her actions, Julie sneaked away to a clandestine meeting with Jeff, who mocked her "ordeal" before making her departure from the game and the abandonment of her alliance official.

So...The woman that didn't want to be known for her lady parts can rest assured. She is going to be remembered for her selfishness and her cowardice instead.

Survivor: San Juan Del Sur...Lying and Trash Talking

I missed last week--I'm a Tigers fan, I was in mourning--but, apparently, I didn't miss much.

Rocker cut a deal with his new best pal Jeremy to protect each other's helpless women folk.

But Val, who apparently has a permanent seat in the front pew at the church of Why Tell A Small Lie When You Can Tell Two Really Big Ones, rendered Rocker's aid useless when she claimed to have two immunity idols, even though she had none because she couldn't be bothered to do more than take a cursory glance around. I search more thoroughly for the Chapsticks that the family cat jacks from me. Val will not be missed.

This week, Rocker made a target of himself with a public demonstration of the boorish behavior that made him a reviled sports figure and contributed to the sullying of his baseball career.

A man telling a woman that "if she were a man, he would knock her teeth out" is cause for concern, not an opportunity to gossip about said man's controversial past. I'm looking at you, Jeff Probst.

Fortunately, most of Rocker's tribe were as disgusted with him as we are and sent him packing, with the immunity idol that he was too arrogant to play still in his pocket.

If Julie McGee had any sense, she would have sent him packing too.

Survivor: San Juan Del Sur...Blood vs Water, The Second One

*Clears throat and recites out loud the following..."I must not judge and therefore loathe this season of Blood vs Water based on the debacle that was the first one."*

Because Survivor was once upon a very long time ago my favorite show on television, I will work at least as hard as Jeff Probst does to be the biggest shit stirrer on the island to identify the positive attributes of this season's questionable beginning.

There are no hasbeens. Unless, of course, you want to be picky and count the two CBS crossovers from The Amazing Race, and an attention seeking ex baseball player that claims he doesn't want to be recognized.

There is no Redemption Island. Mercifully, the obnoxious and irritating people that have been booted from their tribes will not have a safe haven where they are allowed to linger until given the opportunity to weasel their way back into the game.

There is an abundance of things to ponder. Why is a former Miss Michigan dressed to go to the mall instead of for survival in the jungle?

Why does a woman that claims she doesn't want to be known for her boobs leave them in constant danger of falling out of her clothes?

Why does a man make a target out of his wife by announcing that she needs him, defeat her in a challenge that would exile her, and then send the guy that broke his flint with a rock to "take care of her"?

Which brings us to what is clearly the most perplexing of all. Why for the sake of all that is holy in the happy land of reality television do people, after twenty-eight seasons, still stumble onto a Survivor set utterly incapable of starting a fire?

All of these questions have the same answer...human nature. It's what makes us do the questionable things that we do.

And it makes other people want to watch us to see what we'll do next.