Survivor: Blood vs Water...Not Living Up To Its Promise

Let's recap the last three episodes. It won't take long.

Kat taught us that we have been wrong these many years. The goal of Survivor is not to win a million dollars. The goal of Survivor is to maintain a desperate grip on a douche boyfriend.

Mrs. Rupert proved that hopelessly incompetent blabbermouths make bigger targets than strong competitors when her tribe booted her, instead of Vytas, to Redemption Island.

Tyson is running an alliance of seven. Seven. Bottom feeders Monica and Laura M., who have played this game before and should, therefore, know better, are overestimating their value to the alliance that is using them.

Aras, Vytas, and Tina went down in order of perceived threat and opportunity, and are currently commiserating on Redemption Island. Aras didn't even know he was in trouble until Jeff snuffed his torch, and Vytas and Tina chose to antagonize the opposing alliance rather than try to recruit from it.

That's it. Four short paragraphs to summarize three episodes.

It is a sad testament to the steady decline of what once was the best reality show ever made.

Big Brother Australia...Bonzer

Last word of the season..."bonzer", which is Aussie slang for excellent, or first-rate.

This season of Big Brother Australia accomplished what no other reality show seems capable of any more. It remained entertaining after a strong premiere, and culminated with a finale that kept us riveted right up to the ending credits.

We even got a winner that had played a game worthy of a big pile of money.

Tim was the ultimate shit stirrer. He knew which buttons to push in each of his fellow housemates and exactly when to push them to achieve the desired effect. Tim advanced his game and held us in thrall as we waited impatiently for his next move.

We also waited impatiently for Tim's turn in the Nomination Chamber--"Did you get that, Tully?!"--and his Diary Room sessions, where he was often called to account for his many misdeeds.

Tim Dormer gave us everything our hearts desire in a realty show contestant, and Big Brother Australia gave us the realty show that all realty shows should aspire to be.

Next summer cannot come soon enough.

Big Brother Australia...A Fake Prince

Phrase of the day..."All froth and no beer", which is Aussie slang for superficial.

Ed is like the beautifully wrapped Christmas present that turns out to be a pair of generic gym socks...a huge disappointment once you've gotten a good look at what hides beneath the handsome exterior.

Ed's good looks got him dubbed "Prince Charming" by his fellow housemates, but his personality did not live up to the nickname.

Ed is an "ear basher" (Aussie slang for a bore), whose rambling Diary Room sessions made us glad of our option to mute him, and wonder at his housemates' ability to endure more than five consecutive minutes within earshot of him.

Ed is also a callous manipulator who "did the dirty" (did the wrong thing) by Jade. He exploited her genuine feelings for him, deliberately deceiving her into believing that he returned those feelings, to further his own game.

It wasn't princely, or charming.

Survivor: Blood vs Water...Shut It

Unwritten Survivor commandment number four...Thou shalt not run thy mouth with reckless abandon for no good will ever come of it. Perpetual sufferers of diarrhea of the mouth find this commandment particularly troublesome and are often among the first casualties of the game.

Brad managed to offend someone every time he opened his mouth, which led to exile among his enemies on Redemption Island. His inability to count and lay corresponding tiles at the same time sent him home.

Monica talked game to Kat, who just wanted Monica to "shut it". Monica, who is married to Brad, was probably just trying to take advantage of a rare opportunity to talk and had no idea she was making a target of herself.

Kat blabbed her plan to blindside Monica to Tina, who promptly blabbed to Monica, who closed the circle by confronting Kat, who lied...badly.

Kat's inability to keep her trap shut proved her untrustworthy to her tribe, who shipped her to Redemption Island by a unanimous vote.

She should have followed her own advice and "shut it".

Big Brother Australia...Bugger All

Phrase of the day...Bugger all, which is Aussie slang for very little or nothing.

The Australian public's fascination with the blatant manipulation of an insecure and needy young woman continues to elude me. Madaline may have brought bugger all to the game, but she was easier to stomach than "Prince Charming" and "Lady Jadey".

Speaking of nauseating...

This week's Freeze Task ceased to be entertaining the moment that Tully strutted in and proceeded to slime the lower half of Drew's face. She then announced that she is now single, which is hardly surprising considering that she did bugger all but whinge and cheat on her girlfriend the entire time she was in the Big Brother house.

As for Mikkayla...I did not forget to blog about her eviction last week.

I could not find any Aussie slang for two-faced, hypocritical harridan, and there was bugger all else to say.

Survivor: Blood vs Water...Swift Justice

I totally called this one. A pissed off Candice is a fun Candice.

It turns out a pissed off Candice is an obscene finger gesturing, hostility spewing Candice that has no problem telling an obnoxious ex football player exactly what she thinks of how he conducts himself.

A pissed off Candice is also a vengeful Candice that dispenses swift Survivor style justice, targeting Brad's  loved one just as he had targeted hers.

Brad Culpepper's boorish behavior and aggressive tactics might play on a football field, but, in a game that requires rudimentary social skills and a great deal of finesse, maneuvers like his will get a lout booted.

And it did...right to Redemption Island, where he will be forced to lie in a rather uncomfortable bed that he has made for himself against the advice of others.

If Monica is smart, she will leave him there.

Big Brother Australia...Bull's Wool

I call bullshit. That's a phrase that Americans throw out when someone tries to tell us something that isn't true.

Nathan Barlow quit. He did not "make the ultimate sacrifice for the sake of another housemate" as we were told. He "dropped his bundle" (Aussie slang for "gave up"), and then we were given "bull's wool" (Aussie slang for "misleading information") in an obvious attempt to make a hero out of a quitter.

That wasn't the only bull's wool being peddled this week.

We are also expected to believe that the voting population of Australia prefers Ed over Ben.

Ed is a ruthless manipulator disguised as "Prince Charming", and is taking shameless advantage of Jade's weird obsession with him in a desperate attempt to avoid eviction.

Ben's gentle nature, quirky behavior, and offbeat sense of humor has made him one of the voting public's favorite housemates this season, his only rival being Tim. Until today that is, when, supposedly, the public chose to continue to gag on Ed's awkward attempts to fake his way through a one-sided relationship with Jade, rather than enjoy the genuine person that is Ben.

I call bull's wool.