Survivor: San Juan Del Sur...A Liar, A Quitter, and A Bunch of Nitwits

'Twas that precarious time right before The Merge when...

Jeff chastised the remaining incompetents on the Hunahpu tribe for ignoring some basic rules of Survivor, like rationing precious food and keeping track of vital possessions.

It poured rain on the deficient, and therefore tarpless, Hunahpus, but it was Julie that believed her suffering was somehow greater than that of her fellow tribe members, causing her to whine incessantly.

And, Dale promised his "Immunity Idol" to Jon in exchange for a free pass at Tribal Council.

Show of hands...Who is more than a little disappointed that we are being denied the opportunity to witness Jon or Jaclyn unwittingly play a fake Immunity Idol at a future Tribal Council?

The Merge pitted Jeremy and his allies against Josh and his allies, and Julie's needs against the needs of everyone else.

Apparently, Julie suffered from a lack of food in a way that was unique to the rest of her tribe, entitling her to hoard trail mix.

Busted and unwilling to face the consequences of her actions, Julie sneaked away to a clandestine meeting with Jeff, who mocked her "ordeal" before making her departure from the game and the abandonment of her alliance official.

So...The woman that didn't want to be known for her lady parts can rest assured. She is going to be remembered for her selfishness and her cowardice instead.

Survivor: San Juan Del Sur...Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

Question of the week...

When is a kingpin not a kingpin?

When his power is as imaginary as his ego is inflated.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5) defines a delusion as "a fixed belief that is not amenable to change in light of conflicting evidence."

Despite glaring evidence to the contrary--his tribe blatantly ignoring his edicts and Jeff openly mocking his pathetic attempts to bargain with him--Drew saw himself as a despot and his fellow tribe members as serfs whose fates were subject to his whims.

Plagued by the paranoia that often accompanies such delusions, Drew became convinced that Kelley was the "mastermind" of a girls alliance dedicated to overthrowing his dictatorship.

The math that negated the potential success of such a plot was patiently, and repeatedly, explained to the Survivor despot, who dismissed it because it did not support his belief.

Psychology Today defines a self-fulfilling prophecy as "a belief that comes true because we act as if it is already true."

Drew's conviction and thoroughly obnoxious behavior united the ladies against him, turning a perceived threat into a real one that owed its success to the chaos that Drew's "leadership" created among the men.

Perhaps Drew should have spent less time objectifying women and labeling them bitches and more time paying attention to the real threat on his tribe...Natalie.

Survivor: San Juan Del Sur...Lying and Trash Talking

I missed last week--I'm a Tigers fan, I was in mourning--but, apparently, I didn't miss much.

Rocker cut a deal with his new best pal Jeremy to protect each other's helpless women folk.

But Val, who apparently has a permanent seat in the front pew at the church of Why Tell A Small Lie When You Can Tell Two Really Big Ones, rendered Rocker's aid useless when she claimed to have two immunity idols, even though she had none because she couldn't be bothered to do more than take a cursory glance around. I search more thoroughly for the Chapsticks that the family cat jacks from me. Val will not be missed.

This week, Rocker made a target of himself with a public demonstration of the boorish behavior that made him a reviled sports figure and contributed to the sullying of his baseball career.

A man telling a woman that "if she were a man, he would knock her teeth out" is cause for concern, not an opportunity to gossip about said man's controversial past. I'm looking at you, Jeff Probst.

Fortunately, most of Rocker's tribe were as disgusted with him as we are and sent him packing, with the immunity idol that he was too arrogant to play still in his pocket.

If Julie McGee had any sense, she would have sent him packing too.

Survivor: San Juan Del Sur...Blood vs Water, The Second One

*Clears throat and recites out loud the following..."I must not judge and therefore loathe this season of Blood vs Water based on the debacle that was the first one."*

Because Survivor was once upon a very long time ago my favorite show on television, I will work at least as hard as Jeff Probst does to be the biggest shit stirrer on the island to identify the positive attributes of this season's questionable beginning.

There are no hasbeens. Unless, of course, you want to be picky and count the two CBS crossovers from The Amazing Race, and an attention seeking ex baseball player that claims he doesn't want to be recognized.

There is no Redemption Island. Mercifully, the obnoxious and irritating people that have been booted from their tribes will not have a safe haven where they are allowed to linger until given the opportunity to weasel their way back into the game.

There is an abundance of things to ponder. Why is a former Miss Michigan dressed to go to the mall instead of for survival in the jungle?

Why does a woman that claims she doesn't want to be known for her boobs leave them in constant danger of falling out of her clothes?

Why does a man make a target out of his wife by announcing that she needs him, defeat her in a challenge that would exile her, and then send the guy that broke his flint with a rock to "take care of her"?

Which brings us to what is clearly the most perplexing of all. Why for the sake of all that is holy in the happy land of reality television do people, after twenty-eight seasons, still stumble onto a Survivor set utterly incapable of starting a fire?

All of these questions have the same answer...human nature. It's what makes us do the questionable things that we do.

And it makes other people want to watch us to see what we'll do next.

Survivor: Blood vs Water...Not Living Up To Its Promise

Let's recap the last three episodes. It won't take long.

Kat taught us that we have been wrong these many years. The goal of Survivor is not to win a million dollars. The goal of Survivor is to maintain a desperate grip on a douche boyfriend.

Mrs. Rupert proved that hopelessly incompetent blabbermouths make bigger targets than strong competitors when her tribe booted her, instead of Vytas, to Redemption Island.

Tyson is running an alliance of seven. Seven. Bottom feeders Monica and Laura M., who have played this game before and should, therefore, know better, are overestimating their value to the alliance that is using them.

Aras, Vytas, and Tina went down in order of perceived threat and opportunity, and are currently commiserating on Redemption Island. Aras didn't even know he was in trouble until Jeff snuffed his torch, and Vytas and Tina chose to antagonize the opposing alliance rather than try to recruit from it.

That's it. Four short paragraphs to summarize three episodes.

It is a sad testament to the steady decline of what once was the best reality show ever made.

Survivor: Blood vs Water...No Redemption For Quitters

The concept of Redemption Island is pretty straightforward. Survivors need to dig deep and do whatever it takes to earn their way back into the game. The defeated burn their buffs on their way out because, as tough competitors, they have earned that honor.

The supposed purpose of hasbeens being allowed to play Survivor a second (or third, or fourth) time is to give them an opportunity to redeem themselves of prior game play or behavior. Hasbeens are not required to earn these opportunities.

Perhaps they should be.

Colton Cumbie was so repulsive when he played Survivor: One World that his initial display of good behavior, and subsequent fireside spilling of his guts and his tears, seemed contrived.

It took less than a week for Colton to destroy any chance he may have had at the redemption that he was pretending to seek. He resorted to the same tactics that he had employed before faking appendicitis in order to quit One World...creating chaos, then attempting to control whoever survives it. He really should have known better than to try to run the same game on a bunch of veterans, and should consider himself fortunate that they were as nice about it as they were.

Jeff was not so nice. When a sniveling Colton announced that he was quitting, Jeff called him selfish for leaving his tribe a member short, and accused him of quitting Survivor a second time because that's what Colton does when he doesn't get his way.

And then Jeff banished the whiny, narcissistic agitator, denying him the honor of burning his buff.

Perhaps now Survivor's crack production team will be more selective about who it gives second chances to.

Survivor: Blood vs Water...Hasbeens and the Meatheads That Love Them

I am cautiously optimistic. I cannot allow myself to become enthusiastic about this new season of Survivor because the last time I did that Jeff Probst and his accomplices (fellow producers) pulled a bait and switch and assaulted us with the Phillip Sheppard Show for most of the season. Lesson learned.

One of my hard and fast rules regarding reality television is to be disdainful of hasbeens (returning players), however, I am happy to make exceptions when Boston Rob, Phillip Sheppard, and Russell Hantz are not invited to play, and the newbies entering the game know that they are going up against hasbeens and are good with it.

That being said, let's review some of the finer moments from the season premiere.

Colton threatening to smack Kat with his paddle if she didn't stop yelling at him made me almost like him.

Candice massacring a coconut while she plotted revenge against those responsible for her banishment to Redemption Island made me smile in anticipation of the good times ahead. A pissed off Candice is a fun and entertaining Candice.

Candice slaving at the Redemption Island camp while Rupert lounges about like he's on holiday can only be fueling her aggravation. An even more pissed off Candice has even more potential.

Gervase conveniently forgetting that he was useless and had severely handicapped his team during the Immunity Challenge made his obnoxious victory celebration that much more ludicrous.

Hayden sheepishly admitting that he and his fellow tribemates are a bunch of meatheads saved us the trouble.

Which brings us to our favorite shit stirrer. When Jeff is not making the survivors spill their guts at Tribal Council, he is exploiting their dysfunction by openly mocking them during challenges. All for our amusement.

All of this fun almost makes one enthusiastic for the new season. Too bad history tells us that we must not label a season of Survivor "good" until we are sure that none of the survivors are pretend secret agents disguised as Boston Rob disciples.

Time will tell.

Big Brother 15...The Blame Game

A racist princess, a racist nutjob, and a vicious skank are sitting on the block. At stake is a half million dollars, questionable notoriety, and two more months (potentially) of forced cohabitation with whoever stays. Who do you evict?

The vicious skank.

Why? Because everybody wants to sit next to the racist princess at the end, nobody wants to let the racist nutjob off her leash until poor Nick has relocated with a brand new identity, and almost everybody performs deplorably in competitions and cannot afford to allow the highly competitive vicious skank to stay.

So...The "catty girls", as Kaitlin dubbed Aaryn and GinaMarie, have lost an ally and are, according to her, responsible for her odious behavior while she was in the Big Brother house. She is using the "their bad behavior rubbed off on me" defense, and is claiming her own poor choice in allies as her only misdeed.

And the woman with the degree in broadcast journalism, whose job it is to call bullshit when it is being flung about, let her get away with it.

Jeff Probst would have had footage of Kaitlin bullying Jessie and taunting Candice. He would have had her confessing her multitude of sins and begging for forgiveness. He would have done his job, and earned our respect.

Julie Chen just makes us wonder how she got her job.

Big Brother Australia starts on Monday. Finally.