Survivor: Blood vs Water...Not Living Up To Its Promise

Let's recap the last three episodes. It won't take long.

Kat taught us that we have been wrong these many years. The goal of Survivor is not to win a million dollars. The goal of Survivor is to maintain a desperate grip on a douche boyfriend.

Mrs. Rupert proved that hopelessly incompetent blabbermouths make bigger targets than strong competitors when her tribe booted her, instead of Vytas, to Redemption Island.

Tyson is running an alliance of seven. Seven. Bottom feeders Monica and Laura M., who have played this game before and should, therefore, know better, are overestimating their value to the alliance that is using them.

Aras, Vytas, and Tina went down in order of perceived threat and opportunity, and are currently commiserating on Redemption Island. Aras didn't even know he was in trouble until Jeff snuffed his torch, and Vytas and Tina chose to antagonize the opposing alliance rather than try to recruit from it.

That's it. Four short paragraphs to summarize three episodes.

It is a sad testament to the steady decline of what once was the best reality show ever made.

Survivor: Blood vs Water...Shut It

Unwritten Survivor commandment number four...Thou shalt not run thy mouth with reckless abandon for no good will ever come of it. Perpetual sufferers of diarrhea of the mouth find this commandment particularly troublesome and are often among the first casualties of the game.

Brad managed to offend someone every time he opened his mouth, which led to exile among his enemies on Redemption Island. His inability to count and lay corresponding tiles at the same time sent him home.

Monica talked game to Kat, who just wanted Monica to "shut it". Monica, who is married to Brad, was probably just trying to take advantage of a rare opportunity to talk and had no idea she was making a target of herself.

Kat blabbed her plan to blindside Monica to Tina, who promptly blabbed to Monica, who closed the circle by confronting Kat, who lied...badly.

Kat's inability to keep her trap shut proved her untrustworthy to her tribe, who shipped her to Redemption Island by a unanimous vote.

She should have followed her own advice and "shut it".

Survivor: Blood vs Water...Swift Justice

I totally called this one. A pissed off Candice is a fun Candice.

It turns out a pissed off Candice is an obscene finger gesturing, hostility spewing Candice that has no problem telling an obnoxious ex football player exactly what she thinks of how he conducts himself.

A pissed off Candice is also a vengeful Candice that dispenses swift Survivor style justice, targeting Brad's  loved one just as he had targeted hers.

Brad Culpepper's boorish behavior and aggressive tactics might play on a football field, but, in a game that requires rudimentary social skills and a great deal of finesse, maneuvers like his will get a lout booted.

And it did...right to Redemption Island, where he will be forced to lie in a rather uncomfortable bed that he has made for himself against the advice of others.

If Monica is smart, she will leave him there.

Survivor: Blood vs Water...No Redemption For Quitters

The concept of Redemption Island is pretty straightforward. Survivors need to dig deep and do whatever it takes to earn their way back into the game. The defeated burn their buffs on their way out because, as tough competitors, they have earned that honor.

The supposed purpose of hasbeens being allowed to play Survivor a second (or third, or fourth) time is to give them an opportunity to redeem themselves of prior game play or behavior. Hasbeens are not required to earn these opportunities.

Perhaps they should be.

Colton Cumbie was so repulsive when he played Survivor: One World that his initial display of good behavior, and subsequent fireside spilling of his guts and his tears, seemed contrived.

It took less than a week for Colton to destroy any chance he may have had at the redemption that he was pretending to seek. He resorted to the same tactics that he had employed before faking appendicitis in order to quit One World...creating chaos, then attempting to control whoever survives it. He really should have known better than to try to run the same game on a bunch of veterans, and should consider himself fortunate that they were as nice about it as they were.

Jeff was not so nice. When a sniveling Colton announced that he was quitting, Jeff called him selfish for leaving his tribe a member short, and accused him of quitting Survivor a second time because that's what Colton does when he doesn't get his way.

And then Jeff banished the whiny, narcissistic agitator, denying him the honor of burning his buff.

Perhaps now Survivor's crack production team will be more selective about who it gives second chances to.

Survivor: Blood vs Water...Hasbeens and the Meatheads That Love Them

I am cautiously optimistic. I cannot allow myself to become enthusiastic about this new season of Survivor because the last time I did that Jeff Probst and his accomplices (fellow producers) pulled a bait and switch and assaulted us with the Phillip Sheppard Show for most of the season. Lesson learned.

One of my hard and fast rules regarding reality television is to be disdainful of hasbeens (returning players), however, I am happy to make exceptions when Boston Rob, Phillip Sheppard, and Russell Hantz are not invited to play, and the newbies entering the game know that they are going up against hasbeens and are good with it.

That being said, let's review some of the finer moments from the season premiere.

Colton threatening to smack Kat with his paddle if she didn't stop yelling at him made me almost like him.

Candice massacring a coconut while she plotted revenge against those responsible for her banishment to Redemption Island made me smile in anticipation of the good times ahead. A pissed off Candice is a fun and entertaining Candice.

Candice slaving at the Redemption Island camp while Rupert lounges about like he's on holiday can only be fueling her aggravation. An even more pissed off Candice has even more potential.

Gervase conveniently forgetting that he was useless and had severely handicapped his team during the Immunity Challenge made his obnoxious victory celebration that much more ludicrous.

Hayden sheepishly admitting that he and his fellow tribemates are a bunch of meatheads saved us the trouble.

Which brings us to our favorite shit stirrer. When Jeff is not making the survivors spill their guts at Tribal Council, he is exploiting their dysfunction by openly mocking them during challenges. All for our amusement.

All of this fun almost makes one enthusiastic for the new season. Too bad history tells us that we must not label a season of Survivor "good" until we are sure that none of the survivors are pretend secret agents disguised as Boston Rob disciples.

Time will tell.