Survivor: Caramoan...Delusions of Greatness

...And then there are times when I absolutely revel in being right.

A unanimous vote awarded Cochran a million dollars and the title of sole Survivor on Sunday night, mercifully concluding a disappointing season that began with an ill-conceived assembly of obnoxious incompetents and then dragged interminably through narcissistic crusades and borderline psychotic breakdowns. At least the end of this wreck was satisfactory in that the Survivor that played the best game was the one that emerged victorious.

Cochran was the master of his own fate right to the end. He secured his seat at the final Tribal Council by winning the final Immunity Challenge, and controlled the vote that determined who would sit next to him.

The final Tribal Council was a demonstration of the jury's universal admiration for Cochran and their disgust for Dawn and Sherri, the only two people present that were ignorant of the absurdity of their convictions that they had earned their places there.

And, because sometimes the worst players make the most entertaining jurors, we were blessed with the following...

Eddie challenged Sherri to admit that her useless ass had been dragged all the way to the final three. Her denial only made us, and the jury, laugh that much harder.

The Specialist kicked Sherri (codename Tenacity) out of his beloved Stealth R Us, permanently revoking all rights and privileges.

Ironically, my favorite moment was bestowed on us courtesy of my least favorite player...Phillip's priceless imitation of Dawn in the throes of one of her countless emotional collapses. And his declaration that she was a disruptive force around camp was as funny as it was hypocritical.

Erik brought Sherri's delusional parade to an abrupt halt when he informed the self-proclaimed, "underestimated leader of her alliance" that she was just a "seashell on the beach". Her reaction to this is unfathomable--he could have called her an abhorrent freeloader and not been exaggerating--and her antagonistic responses were as foolish as her high opinion of her so-called game play.

And then we bore witness to one of the most disgusting displays of petty vengeance...

Brenda has claimed that she has no regrets about anything she did this season. This atrocity should have been the exception.

Cochran played a masterful game while enduring Phillip's insanity, Brandon's emotional instability, and Dawn's daily histrionics, and the moment that he was handed his hard-earned check was the only redeeming quality of that travesty of a Reunion Show.

Brandon Hantz was banned from the Reunion Show, and the brain trust in charge of decision making over at Survivor parked the pre-jury competitors in the audience, rather than on stage where they belonged, and ignored them in a pitiful attempt to disguise Brandon's absence. Frankly, Brandon deserved better, and the people that became collateral damage of more than one poor decision made by the executive producers this season deserved better.

And since I'm already ranting, I might as well express my disgust at the following...

Jeff coerced Dawn into publicly apologizing to Brenda, but Brenda's actions did not merit an apology to Dawn?

Apparently, The Specialist has been handing out Stealth R Us nicknames on the street, giving Survivor's executive producers the flimsy excuse they needed to foist a montage of The Phillip Sheppard Show on an audience that can no longer stomach it.

A hasbeen peddling his book should not have been given valuable airtime when there were competitors from this season sitting in the audience.


There are only two good things that can be said about this season of Survivor as a whole...

The cancellation of The Phillip Sheppard Show by The Three Amigos.

And, Survivor: Caramoan was better than Survivor: One World. But not by much.


Big Brother 15 is scheduled to start on Wednesday June 26th. Rumor has it that Allison Grodner will not be dragging in hasbeens, as "returning players" or as "coaches", this season. Wouldn't it be great if it was true?

Survivor: Caramoan...Certifiable Tantrum

It was the hissy fit that we all saw coming. From the moment that we learned that the nuttier than a fruitcake Phillip and Brandon the poster boy for anger management were going to be forced to share the same patch of sandy squalor, we knew that somebody's self-control was going to grind to a screeching halt, causing the kind of mayhem not usually found outside the confines of popular hangouts frequented by teenagers.

It was just a matter of time.

It took twelve days. Twelve days of Phillip yammering nonstop about himself. Twelve days of Phillip prattling on about Stealth R Us and assigning spy-themed nicknames that any prepubescent boy would be proud to bear. Twelve days of Phillip (in the role of Boston Rob) dictating and condescending and endlessly irritating. I usually require beverages of the alcoholic variety in order to better suffer people like that for longer than an hour. I cannot fathom being trapped for twelve days in the eighth circle of Hell with Phillip and nothing to preserve my sanity but warm water and a sense of humor.

On the thirteenth day, Brandon snapped. After ping-ponging between volunteering to quit and playing the game he signed up for, Brandon lost control of himself and his decision to stay when Phillip's narcissism elevated Phillip to hero status and neglected to share the credit that Brandon deserved for his equal contribution during the Reward Challenge. The confrontation led to Phillip dubbing Brandon "persona non grata" and devising a plan to throw the next Immunity Challenge in order to rid himself of an outspoken dissenter in his ranks sooner rather than later.

Phillip shared his top secret plan with his trusted underling The Terminator (Big Mouth Andrea who suffers from the worst case of diarrhea of the mouth in Survivor history), who promptly blabbed it to Brandon, who, predictably, reacted badly. The tribe's supplies of rice and beans were dumped on the ground and a physical confrontation seemed imminent.

Stealth R Us unanimously decided that Brandon's instability had become a liability, necessitating his immediate departure from the game. They forfeited the Immunity Challenge, aired their dirty laundry at a public Tribal Council held at the challenge site, and voted Brandon out of the game.

Being a Hantz, Brandon is not wired to go quietly. He informed the "fans" that he had leveled the playing field for them by ensuring that the "favorites" would starve right along with them and begged them not to let Phillip get to the Final Tribal Council. He aired his views about Phillip pretending to be Boston Rob, giving orders and assigning nicknames, Phillip being dragged through his season of Survivor by Boston Rob who used him as everyone made fun of him, and Phillip's condescension toward him. He threatened Phillip with physical violence, but was kept calm by Jeff, who gave one of his finer performances as he balanced his role of instigator with that of unlicensed shrink.

Brandon's behavior has raised the question of the responsibility that reality show producers bear for casting people with emotional issues into situations guaranteed to unhinge them for the sake of ratings. It may very well be true that competing on Survivor was not good for Brandon at the time and the professionals charged with making that call failed him when they did not act in his best interest. I cannot presume to know.

What I do know? Brandon stood up to insufferable self-appointed leader, Boston Rob's failed disciple, Phillip. And it took twelve days longer than it probably should have.

Survivor: Caramoan...Don't Talk To Me

Guess what. Shamar has a No Talking List. I kid you not. Gota's most obnoxious resident has created a list of fellow tribe members that are not allowed to talk to him. At the tippy top of said list is Reynold, who is (according to Shamar) a disgusting human being that won't share critical eye-wear during challenges, and Eddie, who is a loyal follower of Reynold and, therefore, persona non grata. I'm not sure which is more ludicrous...the existence of this list or the self-righteous indignation of Shamar whenever Reynold dares to violate it just to agitate him.

Not on Shamar's No Talking List is Hope, who benefits from his diarrhea of the mouth disorder when he blabs that she and Eddie better pack up before the next Tribal Council because one of them is going home. She uses this information to create chaos in the opposing alliance by blabbing to Julia, who proves the contagiousness of the disorder by blabbing Shamar's misdeed to everyone else. Too bad for Hope (and her ever diminishing clique) that all that running off at the mouth didn't accomplish anything, unless handing Jeff ammunition for Tribal Council counts as an accomplishment.

Speaking of Jeff...How easy is his job this season? Between the varying degrees of crazy loose in both tribes, the escalating acts of incompetence (like Reynold "hiding" his immunity idol in his girly pants), and the shocking willingness of all those motormouths to spill their guts with very little provocation, there is no shortage of fodder for our favorite reality show referee to choose from during quality sharing time, otherwise known as Tribal Council. The only real difficulty that he faces this season is making these people seem likable or competent, which is not possible as long as they are allowed to continue to speak.

There's a lot of talking going on over at the Bikal camp too, mostly by resident loonies Phillip, who, in addition to his prodigious abilities in the field of federal law enforcement, also possesses mad skills on the basketball court, and Brandon, who is ready to defile his tribe's supply of beans in retaliation for any wrong (real or perceived) committed against him. We also shouldn't overlook Andrea, who is operating solely on paranoia (jealousy?) and is targeting Corinne for being too close to Malcolm. Should Crazy R Us make it to the merge, I predict that they find themselves on Shamar's No Talking List.

Guess what. I have a No Talking List too. Shut up Shamar.

Survivor: Caramoan...Pretty People Problems

First, some clarification seems to be in order. Merriam-Webster defines a hasbeen as a person, especially one formerly popular, who continues in their field after their popularity has peaked and is now in decline. The "favorites" playing at Survivor this season never peaked. If they were remembered at all, it was for behaving in ways that were either loathsome, stupid, or certifiable. It is baffling that someone on Survivor's crack production team labelled them "favorites". I am certainly not about to perpetuate the travesty by slapping the title of "hasbeen" on them because, while it is not usually meant to be a compliment, it would be in this case and they don't deserve it any more than they deserve to be called "favorites". The exception is Malcolm whose popularity during his season places him squarely into both categories. I do not, as a hard and fast rule, support hasbeens, but, during a season of "favorites" where hasbeens have a legitimate place, I can root for Malcolm with impunity.

I sincerely hope that this has served to explain my position to the satisfaction of my twitter stalkers.

This week's installment of Crazy Running Amok opens with Brandon blowing his shit over Francesca being voted out first for the second time. This, apparently, is an atrocity that cannot go unpunished, prompting him to threaten antics that would make Uncle Russell look like a vulgar word for a specific lady part. Three whole days and the unstable are already showing signs of requiring soft restraints and powerful antipsychotics.

Speaking of people who are off their meds...Phillip is busy resurrecting Stealth R Us (which should have stayed dead) when he's not attempting (and failing) to channel Boston Rob. When Brandon refused to succumb to Phillip's cult leader speak, the certifiable, self-centered pot (Phillip) had the temerity to call the kettle (Brandon) crazy and narcissistic. *snickers*  My money's on "special agent Pink Panther Inspector Gadget" getting his pink undies kicked in the dirt by Lil Hantz, unless there's an intervention.

Life in the Gota camp is not much better. Shamar spends nineteen hours a day beached in the shade annoying the hell out of Reynold, who seems to be losing his mighty struggle to overcome his incapacitating adolescent mentality. As one of the Pretty People, Reynold reeks of entitlement and considers his advancement in the game a given. He confronted Shamar without provocation at camp, and barely gave that troublemaker Jeff a chance to ask him about Shamar at Tribal Council before running off at the mouth about Shamar's many failings as a fellow tribe member, his supposed to be hidden Immunity Idol bulging from the tight pants that he should have had the sense to leave at home where they belong. After a little prompting from Jeff (of course), Laura made everyone aware of it and Reynold got to rue picking vanity over practicality.

The brains powering the Pretty People was, supposedly, Allie, who was too busy frolicking with her new clique to notice that they were outnumbered and, therefore, in danger of being voted out of the game that she was there to play. She looked like she was hard at work on solving the mystery of all those pieces of paper with her name on them when Jeff snuffed her torch. And she was her alliance's best shot at making it to the Merge.

The thought that somebody in production could decide that these incompetents are our future "favorites" makes me cringe.