Survivor: Caramoan...Delusions of Greatness

...And then there are times when I absolutely revel in being right.

A unanimous vote awarded Cochran a million dollars and the title of sole Survivor on Sunday night, mercifully concluding a disappointing season that began with an ill-conceived assembly of obnoxious incompetents and then dragged interminably through narcissistic crusades and borderline psychotic breakdowns. At least the end of this wreck was satisfactory in that the Survivor that played the best game was the one that emerged victorious.

Cochran was the master of his own fate right to the end. He secured his seat at the final Tribal Council by winning the final Immunity Challenge, and controlled the vote that determined who would sit next to him.

The final Tribal Council was a demonstration of the jury's universal admiration for Cochran and their disgust for Dawn and Sherri, the only two people present that were ignorant of the absurdity of their convictions that they had earned their places there.

And, because sometimes the worst players make the most entertaining jurors, we were blessed with the following...

Eddie challenged Sherri to admit that her useless ass had been dragged all the way to the final three. Her denial only made us, and the jury, laugh that much harder.

The Specialist kicked Sherri (codename Tenacity) out of his beloved Stealth R Us, permanently revoking all rights and privileges.

Ironically, my favorite moment was bestowed on us courtesy of my least favorite player...Phillip's priceless imitation of Dawn in the throes of one of her countless emotional collapses. And his declaration that she was a disruptive force around camp was as funny as it was hypocritical.

Erik brought Sherri's delusional parade to an abrupt halt when he informed the self-proclaimed, "underestimated leader of her alliance" that she was just a "seashell on the beach". Her reaction to this is unfathomable--he could have called her an abhorrent freeloader and not been exaggerating--and her antagonistic responses were as foolish as her high opinion of her so-called game play.

And then we bore witness to one of the most disgusting displays of petty vengeance...

Brenda has claimed that she has no regrets about anything she did this season. This atrocity should have been the exception.

Cochran played a masterful game while enduring Phillip's insanity, Brandon's emotional instability, and Dawn's daily histrionics, and the moment that he was handed his hard-earned check was the only redeeming quality of that travesty of a Reunion Show.

Brandon Hantz was banned from the Reunion Show, and the brain trust in charge of decision making over at Survivor parked the pre-jury competitors in the audience, rather than on stage where they belonged, and ignored them in a pitiful attempt to disguise Brandon's absence. Frankly, Brandon deserved better, and the people that became collateral damage of more than one poor decision made by the executive producers this season deserved better.

And since I'm already ranting, I might as well express my disgust at the following...

Jeff coerced Dawn into publicly apologizing to Brenda, but Brenda's actions did not merit an apology to Dawn?

Apparently, The Specialist has been handing out Stealth R Us nicknames on the street, giving Survivor's executive producers the flimsy excuse they needed to foist a montage of The Phillip Sheppard Show on an audience that can no longer stomach it.

A hasbeen peddling his book should not have been given valuable airtime when there were competitors from this season sitting in the audience.


There are only two good things that can be said about this season of Survivor as a whole...

The cancellation of The Phillip Sheppard Show by The Three Amigos.

And, Survivor: Caramoan was better than Survivor: One World. But not by much.


Big Brother 15 is scheduled to start on Wednesday June 26th. Rumor has it that Allison Grodner will not be dragging in hasbeens, as "returning players" or as "coaches", this season. Wouldn't it be great if it was true?

Survivor: Caramoan...Kindness Begets Betrayal

Unwritten Survivor commandment number three...Thou shalt not commit any deed that could be perceived as good for it will not go unpunished.

Brenda and her daddy rocked the Reward Challenge, only to be faced with a painful choice courtesy of those sadists on Probst's crack production team. It could have been because she possesses a kind heart, or maybe she wanted to curry favor with potential jury members, or perhaps she just couldn't stomach another moment of this...

Whatever the reason, Brenda chose to bestow the floating barbecue reward on the four remaining survivors and their loved ones, denying herself, Dawn, and their loved ones the reward that she had won, making Dawn break down and weep uncontrollably. AGAIN.

Brenda, who had already spent an unconscionable amount of time as Dawn's caretaker this season, wasted an entire afternoon putting that emotional train wreck back on its rails while having to endure the sights and sounds of her fellow survivors partying down with their loved ones nearby.

Dawn's selfishness raged on at the Immunity Challenge, where she begged Brenda to throw the challenge because she wanted to win one. Again, I can only guess at Brenda's motives, but the challenge was indeed thrown and it was done in a way that made it look as though Dawn won it for real instead of by default. With the exception of anything involving Phillip, Dawn celebrating her faux victory was the most revolting moment of the season.

Given the circumstances, blindsiding Brenda was a particularly cutthroat move. It was also unbelievably stupid. Cochran, who has successfully manipulated others into doing his dirty work for him, and Sherri, who is nothing but a shameless floater, probably won't suffer too much jury hostility, for this at least. But, Dawn, who had betrayed three of the five jury members, could not afford to stab Brenda in the heart in such a cold-hearted manner, bringing her tally of disgruntled jurors to four. Dawn's emotional instability, which may or may not be fueled by her full-blown menopause, clouded her judgement and, barring a miracle (someone committing an act more heinous than hers), cost her any likability that she may have garnered with the jury.

Of the five remaining survivors, Cochran probably has the best shot at winning. He's played a shrewd game, manipulating outcomes without appearing to do so, thereby making few, if any, enemies, and hovering just below the radar by winning too few challenges to be perceived as a legitimate threat, or the "challenge beast" that he proclaimed himself to be.

The last Amigo (formerly known as Douche 2) could find himself sitting at the Final Tribal Council due to an oversight by the tattered remains of Stealth R Us, who have been way too preoccupied with blindsiding each other to dispatch Eddie to the jury where he belongs. He might even find himself with enough votes to win the game since two of the current jury members were allied with him once upon a time and the other four bear no grudges against him.

If shameless floating is a legitimate strategy in Survivor, and if performing atrociously in challenges and possessing an abrasive personality command an iota of respect, then, by all means, give the million dollars to the irritating woman that erroneously believed that she could control Shamar.

Erik's Survivor vacation was frequently interrupted by pesky challenges that required him to exert himself, and meetings with Jeff, who made him write names that weren't his own on pieces of paper, which required him to pay attention. The irony? Erik has a decent shot at winning a million dollars if he's parked next to the two most reviled players left in the game, Dawn and Sherri, at the Final Tribal Council.

After the first episode, I predicted that this season was not going to make me happy. Sometimes, I hate it when I'm right.

Survivor: Caramoan...Operation FUBAR

This week's installment of Survivor's current debacle, The Phillip Sheppard Show, can best be described as follows...

Nauseating. I'm not sure which tested the resolve of my queasy stomach more, The Specialist awkwardly wooing Sherri (code name Tenacity) into Stealth R Us, or Eddie's ego keeping him blissfully ignorant of Andrea's ulterior motives as she flirted shamelessly (and badly) with him.

Disappointing. How could Malcolm not know that Big Mouth Dawn running her big fat mouth was the reason that Corinne got blindsided at the last Tribal Council? His mistake would have made him the next to be blindsided if Andrea had been the least bit capable of running a proper blindside.

Embarrassing. Former super special federal agent Phillip was the first one out of the Immunity Challenge. Lucky for us, our national security never depended on The Specialist's ability to adapt to the changing tide.

Impressive. Brenda lived up to her Stealth R Us nickname, Serenity, and shamed one of our government's former finest *snickers* when she excelled at the waterboarding challenge.

Humiliating. Did I mention Eddie's ego? It let him get played by a girl and led him to sell out his alliance. Lucky for Malcolm, Eddie blabbing to Andrea that she was their target caused her brain to crash.

Irritating. Dawn stops crying long enough to try to play the game, runs her big fat mouth long enough to wreck the games of better players, and then dissolves back into a blubbering mess until it's time for her to start the wretched cycle all over again. Enough.

Social Grooming. Erik's only contribution to the sharing time portion of Tribal Council.

Petty. Sherri announced at Tribal Council that "Payback is a bitch." A bitch named Sherri?

Deja vu. A fool and his idol are soon parted. Again.

Genius. Malcolm talked Reynold right out of his Immunity Idol, guaranteeing his immediate safety and giving the false impression that he would be vulnerable at the next Tribal Council. That's why he's still one of my favorites.

Incompetent. See also:  Disappointing and Humiliating.

Add Certifiable to that last one, and you've got a pretty accurate summary of the entire season.

Survivor: Caramoan...The Flaw in the Plan

I love The Merge. It ratchets the paranoia, shatters any complacency, and breaks already fragile spirits. It tests old loyalties and new alliances. And, perhaps most entertaining of all, it pushes the limits of patience, especially the patience of those wanting to make a big move, either to remove someone they perceive to be a huge threat to them or to rid themselves of someone so irritating that forced cohabitation no longer seems possible.

I cannot stand The Phillip Sheppard Show that fans of Survivor are subjected to every Wednesday night, and I do not want to imagine what being stuck in the middle of its production must have been like. Phillip's special brand of crazy is the least offensive thing about him, but must be hellish to deal with once the initial introductions are over. His narcissism, arrogance, and condescension are probably what breaks people subjected to them for any length of time, and by Day 20 makes them desperate to blindside him out of existence.

Twenty days is nineteen and a half days longer than I could put up with being dismissed like I was too stupid to have an opinion that mattered, so Corinne is to be commended for managing to tolerate his boorish behavior for as long as she did. That said, she blew her own game by plotting against her enemy at a time when it is critical to survival that one appear harmless. She might have gotten away with it, however, if she had not made one more mistake. She told Dawn.

When Dawn isn't crying, she is the Caramoan version of Twitter, constantly updating everyone on what everyone else is doing. So, it was no surprise to anyone (except Corinne) that she tattled Corinne's plan to overthrow "Lord Phillip of the High Shelter" (nice one, Reynold) as soon as she learned of it.

Phillip, predictably, was indignant when the news reached him courtesy of Andrea (of course) because he is the only one allowed to do any plotting. It must be one of the rules in his mental guide to running a Survivor dictatorship that he learned at the feet of his master, Boston Rob. He declared Corinne targeted for elimination and his minions scurried to carry out his orders. *shakes head in confusion*  Two seasons of this foolishness haven't brought me any closer to understanding cult mentality.

Survivor's crack editing staff kept how Andrea managed to get Erik to betray his brand new boys alliance a secret, but his vote was the one that Phillip needed to demonstrate his dominance, making an example of Corinne and making the rest of us want to vomit.

The upside of this particular mess? Erik was under a lot of pressure as the swing vote, yet he managed to get Corinne's name right. With his history, I wouldn't have been surprised if he had written his own. Does that count?

Survivor: Caramoan...Crackpots R Us

So...It seems that crazy is contagious. What else would explain the continued support of the non compos mentis self-appointed leader of the Bikal tribe by its members? His "leadership" is not wanted and his fantasy role play is mocked, yet his instructions are followed, losses are suffered, and his reign continues. Phillip thinks he can pretend to be Boston Rob and win this game. Do his subordinates really think that they can play Phillip the way that Boston Rob did and win this game? If so, then dysfunctional thinking is communicable, and these people will be lucky to survive the Merge.

Except Cochran. He seems to be the only member of the Bikal tribe playing his own game rather than bumbling along as a pale imitation of Boston Rob. It may be true that Cochran pulls Phillip's strings on occasion, but he does it with a subtlety and humanity that Boston Rob lacked, making Cochran's only similarity to him easy to forgive.

The most irritatingly bothersome of Phillip's inferiors is Dawn, vying for Andrea's title of Biggest Blabbermouth. She reported directly to Phillip after Julia told her in strictest confidence that she had been assigned a top secret double agent mission and ordered not to discuss it with anyone. Julia may have been the boring one of the group, but she demonstrated her immunity to the Boston Rob Syndrome rampaging the Bikal camp when she challenged Dawn's delusions by proxy, questioning the tribe's subservience to an obvious headcase. Nothing, not even the use of the word 'bully', triggered Dawn's ability to think for herself, but was enough to put Julia in Phillip's cross-hairs when Dawn blabbed to him.

Which brings us to the Immunity Challenge that Phillip "confessed" to Cochran he threw to ensure that the tribe would go into the Merge with one less "fan" to threaten their numbers. He lied. He either blew the challenge and his pride wouldn't allow him to admit it because of the debacle his "leadership" created of the Reward Challenge, or he did indeed let Reynold beat him at Grappling Hook Toss, but it was not for the good of the tribe as he claimed, but to punish Julia for her insubordination.

Dissension in the ranks almost led to a reprieve for Julia when Corinne dared to defy Phillip and refused to split the "favorites" votes between Julia and Michael, outing her alliance with Michael and causing Phillip to target Michael because that is what the crazy in his head was telling him Boston Rob would do. But sanity (Cochran?) managed to prevail at Tribal Council, the tie that Corinne had not wanted forcing a second vote that unanimously booted the sixth "fan" from the game.

I hope that Boston Rob is proud of the travesty his disciples have made of this season.