Survivor: Caramoan...Delusions of Greatness

...And then there are times when I absolutely revel in being right.

A unanimous vote awarded Cochran a million dollars and the title of sole Survivor on Sunday night, mercifully concluding a disappointing season that began with an ill-conceived assembly of obnoxious incompetents and then dragged interminably through narcissistic crusades and borderline psychotic breakdowns. At least the end of this wreck was satisfactory in that the Survivor that played the best game was the one that emerged victorious.

Cochran was the master of his own fate right to the end. He secured his seat at the final Tribal Council by winning the final Immunity Challenge, and controlled the vote that determined who would sit next to him.

The final Tribal Council was a demonstration of the jury's universal admiration for Cochran and their disgust for Dawn and Sherri, the only two people present that were ignorant of the absurdity of their convictions that they had earned their places there.

And, because sometimes the worst players make the most entertaining jurors, we were blessed with the following...

Eddie challenged Sherri to admit that her useless ass had been dragged all the way to the final three. Her denial only made us, and the jury, laugh that much harder.

The Specialist kicked Sherri (codename Tenacity) out of his beloved Stealth R Us, permanently revoking all rights and privileges.

Ironically, my favorite moment was bestowed on us courtesy of my least favorite player...Phillip's priceless imitation of Dawn in the throes of one of her countless emotional collapses. And his declaration that she was a disruptive force around camp was as funny as it was hypocritical.

Erik brought Sherri's delusional parade to an abrupt halt when he informed the self-proclaimed, "underestimated leader of her alliance" that she was just a "seashell on the beach". Her reaction to this is unfathomable--he could have called her an abhorrent freeloader and not been exaggerating--and her antagonistic responses were as foolish as her high opinion of her so-called game play.

And then we bore witness to one of the most disgusting displays of petty vengeance...

Brenda has claimed that she has no regrets about anything she did this season. This atrocity should have been the exception.

Cochran played a masterful game while enduring Phillip's insanity, Brandon's emotional instability, and Dawn's daily histrionics, and the moment that he was handed his hard-earned check was the only redeeming quality of that travesty of a Reunion Show.

Brandon Hantz was banned from the Reunion Show, and the brain trust in charge of decision making over at Survivor parked the pre-jury competitors in the audience, rather than on stage where they belonged, and ignored them in a pitiful attempt to disguise Brandon's absence. Frankly, Brandon deserved better, and the people that became collateral damage of more than one poor decision made by the executive producers this season deserved better.

And since I'm already ranting, I might as well express my disgust at the following...

Jeff coerced Dawn into publicly apologizing to Brenda, but Brenda's actions did not merit an apology to Dawn?

Apparently, The Specialist has been handing out Stealth R Us nicknames on the street, giving Survivor's executive producers the flimsy excuse they needed to foist a montage of The Phillip Sheppard Show on an audience that can no longer stomach it.

A hasbeen peddling his book should not have been given valuable airtime when there were competitors from this season sitting in the audience.


There are only two good things that can be said about this season of Survivor as a whole...

The cancellation of The Phillip Sheppard Show by The Three Amigos.

And, Survivor: Caramoan was better than Survivor: One World. But not by much.


Big Brother 15 is scheduled to start on Wednesday June 26th. Rumor has it that Allison Grodner will not be dragging in hasbeens, as "returning players" or as "coaches", this season. Wouldn't it be great if it was true?

Survivor: Caramoan...Kindness Begets Betrayal

Unwritten Survivor commandment number three...Thou shalt not commit any deed that could be perceived as good for it will not go unpunished.

Brenda and her daddy rocked the Reward Challenge, only to be faced with a painful choice courtesy of those sadists on Probst's crack production team. It could have been because she possesses a kind heart, or maybe she wanted to curry favor with potential jury members, or perhaps she just couldn't stomach another moment of this...

Whatever the reason, Brenda chose to bestow the floating barbecue reward on the four remaining survivors and their loved ones, denying herself, Dawn, and their loved ones the reward that she had won, making Dawn break down and weep uncontrollably. AGAIN.

Brenda, who had already spent an unconscionable amount of time as Dawn's caretaker this season, wasted an entire afternoon putting that emotional train wreck back on its rails while having to endure the sights and sounds of her fellow survivors partying down with their loved ones nearby.

Dawn's selfishness raged on at the Immunity Challenge, where she begged Brenda to throw the challenge because she wanted to win one. Again, I can only guess at Brenda's motives, but the challenge was indeed thrown and it was done in a way that made it look as though Dawn won it for real instead of by default. With the exception of anything involving Phillip, Dawn celebrating her faux victory was the most revolting moment of the season.

Given the circumstances, blindsiding Brenda was a particularly cutthroat move. It was also unbelievably stupid. Cochran, who has successfully manipulated others into doing his dirty work for him, and Sherri, who is nothing but a shameless floater, probably won't suffer too much jury hostility, for this at least. But, Dawn, who had betrayed three of the five jury members, could not afford to stab Brenda in the heart in such a cold-hearted manner, bringing her tally of disgruntled jurors to four. Dawn's emotional instability, which may or may not be fueled by her full-blown menopause, clouded her judgement and, barring a miracle (someone committing an act more heinous than hers), cost her any likability that she may have garnered with the jury.

Of the five remaining survivors, Cochran probably has the best shot at winning. He's played a shrewd game, manipulating outcomes without appearing to do so, thereby making few, if any, enemies, and hovering just below the radar by winning too few challenges to be perceived as a legitimate threat, or the "challenge beast" that he proclaimed himself to be.

The last Amigo (formerly known as Douche 2) could find himself sitting at the Final Tribal Council due to an oversight by the tattered remains of Stealth R Us, who have been way too preoccupied with blindsiding each other to dispatch Eddie to the jury where he belongs. He might even find himself with enough votes to win the game since two of the current jury members were allied with him once upon a time and the other four bear no grudges against him.

If shameless floating is a legitimate strategy in Survivor, and if performing atrociously in challenges and possessing an abrasive personality command an iota of respect, then, by all means, give the million dollars to the irritating woman that erroneously believed that she could control Shamar.

Erik's Survivor vacation was frequently interrupted by pesky challenges that required him to exert himself, and meetings with Jeff, who made him write names that weren't his own on pieces of paper, which required him to pay attention. The irony? Erik has a decent shot at winning a million dollars if he's parked next to the two most reviled players left in the game, Dawn and Sherri, at the Final Tribal Council.

After the first episode, I predicted that this season was not going to make me happy. Sometimes, I hate it when I'm right.

Survivor: Caramoan...Under The Influence

What does a frat boy at a kegger have in common with a fan favorite at a Survivor Auction? Neither one can finish what he starts after he's had a few.

Booze is never a good idea when you need to keep your wits about you. Just ask Malcolm if slamming a few beers helped him to focus on that clue to the hidden Immunity Idol that he desperately needed to find. Something (experience) tells me that trying to commit a few simple instructions to memory while a little bit snockered was not one of the easier things that he has ever attempted, especially since so much was riding on him getting it right.

Impaired reasoning led a slightly hungover Malcolm to the well, where he began a fruitless search for the elusive idol. He was interrupted by Nosy Andrea and her sidekick, Cochran, who parked themselves on top of the well and refused to let Malcolm hunt for his salvation in peace. After Cochran traipsed off to the little boys room, Malcolm and Andrea engaged in that favorite playground pastime, Standoff, until Malcolm surrendered his position, and his shot at surviving Tribal Council.

Outplayed during an endurance Immunity Challenge, outlasted by Pain In The Ass Andrea in a battle of wills, and unable to outwit a bunch of nitwits, Malcolm found himself booted to The Ponderosa, where The Specialist was waiting to play Special Ops: The Survivor Edition with him.

I cannot help feeling that, in spite of his failings, my favorite hasbeen deserved better.

Survivor: Caramoan...Crackpots R Us

So...It seems that crazy is contagious. What else would explain the continued support of the non compos mentis self-appointed leader of the Bikal tribe by its members? His "leadership" is not wanted and his fantasy role play is mocked, yet his instructions are followed, losses are suffered, and his reign continues. Phillip thinks he can pretend to be Boston Rob and win this game. Do his subordinates really think that they can play Phillip the way that Boston Rob did and win this game? If so, then dysfunctional thinking is communicable, and these people will be lucky to survive the Merge.

Except Cochran. He seems to be the only member of the Bikal tribe playing his own game rather than bumbling along as a pale imitation of Boston Rob. It may be true that Cochran pulls Phillip's strings on occasion, but he does it with a subtlety and humanity that Boston Rob lacked, making Cochran's only similarity to him easy to forgive.

The most irritatingly bothersome of Phillip's inferiors is Dawn, vying for Andrea's title of Biggest Blabbermouth. She reported directly to Phillip after Julia told her in strictest confidence that she had been assigned a top secret double agent mission and ordered not to discuss it with anyone. Julia may have been the boring one of the group, but she demonstrated her immunity to the Boston Rob Syndrome rampaging the Bikal camp when she challenged Dawn's delusions by proxy, questioning the tribe's subservience to an obvious headcase. Nothing, not even the use of the word 'bully', triggered Dawn's ability to think for herself, but was enough to put Julia in Phillip's cross-hairs when Dawn blabbed to him.

Which brings us to the Immunity Challenge that Phillip "confessed" to Cochran he threw to ensure that the tribe would go into the Merge with one less "fan" to threaten their numbers. He lied. He either blew the challenge and his pride wouldn't allow him to admit it because of the debacle his "leadership" created of the Reward Challenge, or he did indeed let Reynold beat him at Grappling Hook Toss, but it was not for the good of the tribe as he claimed, but to punish Julia for her insubordination.

Dissension in the ranks almost led to a reprieve for Julia when Corinne dared to defy Phillip and refused to split the "favorites" votes between Julia and Michael, outing her alliance with Michael and causing Phillip to target Michael because that is what the crazy in his head was telling him Boston Rob would do. But sanity (Cochran?) managed to prevail at Tribal Council, the tie that Corinne had not wanted forcing a second vote that unanimously booted the sixth "fan" from the game.

I hope that Boston Rob is proud of the travesty his disciples have made of this season.

Survivor: Caramoan...Operation Damage Control

Nothing says desperate attempt to salvage a season of suck like a tribe shuffle disguised as a Reward Challenge (that didn't happen for the second time in a row). The even distribution of the "favorites" between the two tribes left the "fans" outnumbered in both tribes and set them up for their second screwing of the season.

The new Gota tribe is a combination of the strongest "favorites" and the most annoying "fans". Douches 1 and 2 (Reynold and Eddie) sucked up to Malcolm and Erik in a shameless attempt to curry favor and get rid of their enemy, Sherri, who busied herself in the same way with Andrea and Brenda. Happy to have an excuse to talk to Malcolm alone, Andrea blabbed everything she knew and then blindly accepted his blatant lie about not having an Immunity Idol as gospel. If Malcolm and Erik form a boys alliance with the douches and get rid of Andrea, it will serve her right for letting her lady parts do all her thinking for her.

The only real asset on the Bikal tribe is Cochran, who saw the potential threat of Matt's and Michael's obvious alliance and engineered Matt's exit from the game, in spite of Phillip's conviction that he could turn the pair into assets for Stealth R Us. Cochran is the only member of the current Bikal tribe that does not grate on my last nerve, and it is my sincere wish that when this wretched season finally ends it will be him sitting next to Malcolm.

The one person that seems to have benefited from the tribe shuffle is Andrea, who no longer has to compete with Corinne for facetime with Malcolm. It certainly wasn't any of the beleaguered fans watching this travesty play out, because we can't stomach the new configuration of feckless idiots any better than the old one.

I prefer to watch the implosion of the Quattro Alliance over on Big Brother Canada.