Survivor: Blood vs Water...Not Living Up To Its Promise

Let's recap the last three episodes. It won't take long.

Kat taught us that we have been wrong these many years. The goal of Survivor is not to win a million dollars. The goal of Survivor is to maintain a desperate grip on a douche boyfriend.

Mrs. Rupert proved that hopelessly incompetent blabbermouths make bigger targets than strong competitors when her tribe booted her, instead of Vytas, to Redemption Island.

Tyson is running an alliance of seven. Seven. Bottom feeders Monica and Laura M., who have played this game before and should, therefore, know better, are overestimating their value to the alliance that is using them.

Aras, Vytas, and Tina went down in order of perceived threat and opportunity, and are currently commiserating on Redemption Island. Aras didn't even know he was in trouble until Jeff snuffed his torch, and Vytas and Tina chose to antagonize the opposing alliance rather than try to recruit from it.

That's it. Four short paragraphs to summarize three episodes.

It is a sad testament to the steady decline of what once was the best reality show ever made.

Big Brother Australia...Bonzer

Last word of the season..."bonzer", which is Aussie slang for excellent, or first-rate.

This season of Big Brother Australia accomplished what no other reality show seems capable of any more. It remained entertaining after a strong premiere, and culminated with a finale that kept us riveted right up to the ending credits.

We even got a winner that had played a game worthy of a big pile of money.

Tim was the ultimate shit stirrer. He knew which buttons to push in each of his fellow housemates and exactly when to push them to achieve the desired effect. Tim advanced his game and held us in thrall as we waited impatiently for his next move.

We also waited impatiently for Tim's turn in the Nomination Chamber--"Did you get that, Tully?!"--and his Diary Room sessions, where he was often called to account for his many misdeeds.

Tim Dormer gave us everything our hearts desire in a realty show contestant, and Big Brother Australia gave us the realty show that all realty shows should aspire to be.

Next summer cannot come soon enough.

Big Brother Australia...A Fake Prince

Phrase of the day..."All froth and no beer", which is Aussie slang for superficial.

Ed is like the beautifully wrapped Christmas present that turns out to be a pair of generic gym socks...a huge disappointment once you've gotten a good look at what hides beneath the handsome exterior.

Ed's good looks got him dubbed "Prince Charming" by his fellow housemates, but his personality did not live up to the nickname.

Ed is an "ear basher" (Aussie slang for a bore), whose rambling Diary Room sessions made us glad of our option to mute him, and wonder at his housemates' ability to endure more than five consecutive minutes within earshot of him.

Ed is also a callous manipulator who "did the dirty" (did the wrong thing) by Jade. He exploited her genuine feelings for him, deliberately deceiving her into believing that he returned those feelings, to further his own game.

It wasn't princely, or charming.

Survivor: Blood vs Water...Shut It

Unwritten Survivor commandment number four...Thou shalt not run thy mouth with reckless abandon for no good will ever come of it. Perpetual sufferers of diarrhea of the mouth find this commandment particularly troublesome and are often among the first casualties of the game.

Brad managed to offend someone every time he opened his mouth, which led to exile among his enemies on Redemption Island. His inability to count and lay corresponding tiles at the same time sent him home.

Monica talked game to Kat, who just wanted Monica to "shut it". Monica, who is married to Brad, was probably just trying to take advantage of a rare opportunity to talk and had no idea she was making a target of herself.

Kat blabbed her plan to blindside Monica to Tina, who promptly blabbed to Monica, who closed the circle by confronting Kat, who lied...badly.

Kat's inability to keep her trap shut proved her untrustworthy to her tribe, who shipped her to Redemption Island by a unanimous vote.

She should have followed her own advice and "shut it".

Big Brother Australia...Bugger All

Phrase of the day...Bugger all, which is Aussie slang for very little or nothing.

The Australian public's fascination with the blatant manipulation of an insecure and needy young woman continues to elude me. Madaline may have brought bugger all to the game, but she was easier to stomach than "Prince Charming" and "Lady Jadey".

Speaking of nauseating...

This week's Freeze Task ceased to be entertaining the moment that Tully strutted in and proceeded to slime the lower half of Drew's face. She then announced that she is now single, which is hardly surprising considering that she did bugger all but whinge and cheat on her girlfriend the entire time she was in the Big Brother house.

As for Mikkayla...I did not forget to blog about her eviction last week.

I could not find any Aussie slang for two-faced, hypocritical harridan, and there was bugger all else to say.

Survivor: Blood vs Water...Swift Justice

I totally called this one. A pissed off Candice is a fun Candice.

It turns out a pissed off Candice is an obscene finger gesturing, hostility spewing Candice that has no problem telling an obnoxious ex football player exactly what she thinks of how he conducts himself.

A pissed off Candice is also a vengeful Candice that dispenses swift Survivor style justice, targeting Brad's  loved one just as he had targeted hers.

Brad Culpepper's boorish behavior and aggressive tactics might play on a football field, but, in a game that requires rudimentary social skills and a great deal of finesse, maneuvers like his will get a lout booted.

And it did...right to Redemption Island, where he will be forced to lie in a rather uncomfortable bed that he has made for himself against the advice of others.

If Monica is smart, she will leave him there.

Big Brother Australia...Bull's Wool

I call bullshit. That's a phrase that Americans throw out when someone tries to tell us something that isn't true.

Nathan Barlow quit. He did not "make the ultimate sacrifice for the sake of another housemate" as we were told. He "dropped his bundle" (Aussie slang for "gave up"), and then we were given "bull's wool" (Aussie slang for "misleading information") in an obvious attempt to make a hero out of a quitter.

That wasn't the only bull's wool being peddled this week.

We are also expected to believe that the voting population of Australia prefers Ed over Ben.

Ed is a ruthless manipulator disguised as "Prince Charming", and is taking shameless advantage of Jade's weird obsession with him in a desperate attempt to avoid eviction.

Ben's gentle nature, quirky behavior, and offbeat sense of humor has made him one of the voting public's favorite housemates this season, his only rival being Tim. Until today that is, when, supposedly, the public chose to continue to gag on Ed's awkward attempts to fake his way through a one-sided relationship with Jade, rather than enjoy the genuine person that is Ben.

I call bull's wool.

Survivor: Blood vs Water...No Redemption For Quitters

The concept of Redemption Island is pretty straightforward. Survivors need to dig deep and do whatever it takes to earn their way back into the game. The defeated burn their buffs on their way out because, as tough competitors, they have earned that honor.

The supposed purpose of hasbeens being allowed to play Survivor a second (or third, or fourth) time is to give them an opportunity to redeem themselves of prior game play or behavior. Hasbeens are not required to earn these opportunities.

Perhaps they should be.

Colton Cumbie was so repulsive when he played Survivor: One World that his initial display of good behavior, and subsequent fireside spilling of his guts and his tears, seemed contrived.

It took less than a week for Colton to destroy any chance he may have had at the redemption that he was pretending to seek. He resorted to the same tactics that he had employed before faking appendicitis in order to quit One World...creating chaos, then attempting to control whoever survives it. He really should have known better than to try to run the same game on a bunch of veterans, and should consider himself fortunate that they were as nice about it as they were.

Jeff was not so nice. When a sniveling Colton announced that he was quitting, Jeff called him selfish for leaving his tribe a member short, and accused him of quitting Survivor a second time because that's what Colton does when he doesn't get his way.

And then Jeff banished the whiny, narcissistic agitator, denying him the honor of burning his buff.

Perhaps now Survivor's crack production team will be more selective about who it gives second chances to.

Big Brother Australia...A Positive Experience

Word of the day..."Chipper", which is Aussie slang for cheerful and lively.

Katie and Lucy, who happily embraced the Sugar Sisters moniker bestowed on them, were quite possibly the most chipper contestants to ever appear on a reality show, where strong emotions, particularly inexhaustible cheerfulness, are difficult to fake for any length of time.

Mean girl Tahan could not conceive of anyone being that chipper, which led her to question whether the Sugar Sisters' matching sunny personalities were genuine and then set herself in hostile opposition to them. She took pleasure in nominating them for eviction at every opportunity because she felt threatened by something that she couldn't understand...genuinely happy girls incapable of saying an unkind word about anyone.

Whether you found the bubbly Sugar Sisters, with their matching outfits and penchant for speaking in unison, annoying as Tahan did, or lovely as Ben, Jade, and Mikkayla did, you have to concede one thing.

They were the real thing.

Blame It On Stephen King

Nothing got done. Blog posts were not written. My favorite sports teams, the Tigers and the Red Wings, were not properly worshiped. Manual labor (housework) was ignored. The cat was fortunate to be self-sufficient, but the poor dog, who relies on someone (me) to remember to let her back in the house after she concludes her business in the backyard, was forgotten so many times that she now gives me the stink eye and then glances skyward, as if sending a quick prayer to the God of her understanding that my memory will not fail her again, whenever I let her outside.

And it is all Stephen King's fault.

I read my first Stephen King novel when I was thirteen. Of all his books available to me at the time, The Shining seemed to promise the best time, and it delivered. I read it in a day and then slept with an old Donald Duck nightlight for a week, and, many years later, I still regard topiary animals with the deepest suspicion, and I would never permit a hotel clerk to stick me in Room 217 because of the creep factor associated with having to navigate it in the dark and enter its alien bathroom in the middle of the night.

Stephen King's latest novel, Doctor Sleep, takes us along for Dan (Danny) Torrance's journey as he struggles to recover from the traumatic events of The Shining, and gives us new things to be wary of...caravans of RVs travelling the highway at precisely five miles an hour under the speed limit, herds of middle-aged citizens strapped with fanny packs and garbed in T-Shirts bearing slogans that only the AARP crowd can appreciate, and habitually aloof cats that suddenly show an interest in humans that they've previously ignored.

I have not needed a nightlight while reading this book, nor do I need one now that I have finished it, which is good because I cannot find Donald anywhere. But I do have this strange compulsion to keep an ever vigilant eye on my in-laws, exercise special caution on the highway and avoid campgrounds, and hope that my cat isn't a death cat disguised as the family pet.

My life came to a screaming halt while my imagination took a long awaited trip courtesy of the master of his craft, and I have a new slightly twisted way of seeing what used to be ordinary things.

It just doesn't get any better than that.

Big Brother Australia...Emotional Hijacker

First word of the day..."Whinge".

Whinge is Aussie slang for complain persistently in a peevish or irritating way.

Tully managed to be both peevish and irritating, FOR FIFTY-SEVEN DAYS. Even in situations where a positive attitude would have served her better, Tully radiated negativity, polluting the positive air with her constant whining, ABOUT ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING.

Second word of the day..."Sook".

Sook is Aussie slang for sulk, often to the point of behaving like a small child. It is also used to describe an overly emotional or sensitive person.

"Typhoon Tully" threw a tantrum whenever she didn't get her way, which was often. Attempts by reasonable adults to address her immature behavior were met with hostility and resulted in more tantrums.

Tully also used frequent histrionics to emotionally hijack situations that revolved around others. One of many possible examples of this was Tully's predictable sobbing fits during evictions that drew the attention away from the evicted housemate and onto her.

Last word of the day...

It is a universally recognized word for a woman that flagrantly disrespects the feelings of her significant other by engaging in romantic behavior with someone else.

I don't think that any of you need me to tell you what it is.

Survivor: Blood vs Water...Hasbeens and the Meatheads That Love Them

I am cautiously optimistic. I cannot allow myself to become enthusiastic about this new season of Survivor because the last time I did that Jeff Probst and his accomplices (fellow producers) pulled a bait and switch and assaulted us with the Phillip Sheppard Show for most of the season. Lesson learned.

One of my hard and fast rules regarding reality television is to be disdainful of hasbeens (returning players), however, I am happy to make exceptions when Boston Rob, Phillip Sheppard, and Russell Hantz are not invited to play, and the newbies entering the game know that they are going up against hasbeens and are good with it.

That being said, let's review some of the finer moments from the season premiere.

Colton threatening to smack Kat with his paddle if she didn't stop yelling at him made me almost like him.

Candice massacring a coconut while she plotted revenge against those responsible for her banishment to Redemption Island made me smile in anticipation of the good times ahead. A pissed off Candice is a fun and entertaining Candice.

Candice slaving at the Redemption Island camp while Rupert lounges about like he's on holiday can only be fueling her aggravation. An even more pissed off Candice has even more potential.

Gervase conveniently forgetting that he was useless and had severely handicapped his team during the Immunity Challenge made his obnoxious victory celebration that much more ludicrous.

Hayden sheepishly admitting that he and his fellow tribemates are a bunch of meatheads saved us the trouble.

Which brings us to our favorite shit stirrer. When Jeff is not making the survivors spill their guts at Tribal Council, he is exploiting their dysfunction by openly mocking them during challenges. All for our amusement.

All of this fun almost makes one enthusiastic for the new season. Too bad history tells us that we must not label a season of Survivor "good" until we are sure that none of the survivors are pretend secret agents disguised as Boston Rob disciples.

Time will tell.