Survivor: Philippines...A Million Dollar Mistake

Sometimes I hate it when I'm right. Malcolm blew his shot at a big payday when he sent Abi to join the pity party raging at the Ponderosa instead of Denise because he either forgot or ignored unwritten Survivor commandment number two...Thou shalt trust no one but thyself because even members of thine own alliance will cut thy throat for a million dollars. Malcolm trusted two floaters to honor their final three deal with him, and it cost him the game. *heaves huge sigh of disappointment*

At least the jury got it right. They awarded the victory and the big pile of money to the Survivor at the final Tribal Council that played the best game. Accusations that the jury as a whole was influenced by the bitterness of some of its members could have some merit. However, the decision rendered by the jury was the correct one, given the game Denise played compared to those played by Lisa and Michael, regardless of how it was arrived at. Denise was a Tribal Council warrior who survived three different tribes, Lisa let the game play her instead of the other way around, and Michael played most of the game in the role of Lisa's plus one. The jury's verdict may have been a punishment to Lisa and Michael for their betrayals as some have insinuated, but, since Denise was clearly the superior player, the verdict was just.

A few words about the Reunion...

Bitterness. RC was right. Pete wrecked her game for the sake of a little chaos, which eventually led to the implosion of the Tandang alliance. But the game ended months ago. Her hostility should have ended with it.

Redundancy. Lisa's issues were showcased ad nauseum every week without exception. Giving her precious airtime during the Reunion to address them AGAIN was cruel to the already beleaguered viewers that were in no way responsible for her Player of the Season win. *gags*

Hunger. Apparently, poor Carter was starving, not stoned. He should probably see a doctor about having his blood glucose monitored regularly.

Restraining Order. Jeff Probst needs one immediately. His stalker's behavior is escalating.

Overall, this season of Survivor was a vast improvement over recent seasons (last season was virtually unwatchable). Most of the players were likable even if they were incompetent, the exception being Abi who was both. The challenges were decent, even though all those multi round Immunity Challenges seemed to offer too many second and third chances when one should suffice with something so vital on the line. And, Jeff was present (literally and figuratively), getting the job done in a way that others can only hope to emulate--I'm looking at you, Julie Chen. He pushed all of the players to be the Survivors that they signed up to be and called them out on everything, drawing attention to the lazy and/or incompetent during challenges and asking the questions that made all the right people squirm.

This season made me want to come back again next season. See you in February.

Survivor: Philippines...The Price of Peace

At last. Can you feel it? Order has been restored to the universe, a universe where not even a million dollars is worth sleeping in close proximity to a machete wielding lunatic with a penchant for bullying the clumsy (Michael) and the emotionally distraught (Lisa). The principles that the final four had cast away in order to rid themselves of the potential threat that was Carter a mere three days previously made a convenient reappearance in direct violation of unwritten Survivor commandment number one...Thou shalt forsake thy worthy competitors and cast them aside when they are no longer useful to thy game in favor of detestable cretins that no right thinking jury member would ever deem worthy of a million dollar vote. The safest person to take to the end was sent packing by a unanimous vote, guaranteeing a peaceful final three days in the Philippines, for the Survivors anyway. Those poor suckers trapped at the Ponderosa are probably going to require liquid intervention of the alcoholic variety in order to cope.

Malcolm is still my favorite for the win. He survived the travesty that was the Matsing tribe, avoided being targeted by the Tandang Evil Three, and won immunity when he needed to. His only mistake? He kept Denise instead of Abi, perhaps because he thought his final three deal with Michael and Lisa would keep him safe, which it will, unless Denise wins the final Immunity Challenge.

Denise is the only Survivor that could beat Malcolm. She survived the same travesty, flew well under the radar when she drew the buff that sent her to Kalabaw, and survived every Tribal Council without betraying anyone to do it. She has definitely earned a seat at the final Tribal Council, if she can win the final Immunity Challenge to get there.

Lisa has stumbled blindly through this game, unable to see through that veil of tears she cannot seem to exert any control over. I don't know who can claim ownership of the principles that Denise keeps referring to, but, apparently, those principles are getting the blame for Abi's termination, and will probably cost Lisa any shot she might have had at winning.

Michael endured a nasty tempered little bitch calling him names to his face at Tribal Council with a quiet dignity that made me respect him a little, but not enough to make me forget that he is a hasbeen who has collected an astonishing number of injuries (even for a man that seems to require constant emergency medical treatment) rather than the victories that he needed in order to be deemed a competitor worthy of a million dollar jury vote.

So...Who will the jury pick? *shrugs shoulders* Juries are notoriously unreliable. They often cast emotional votes rendering a well played game meaningless, and, since this particular jury has the added volatility that a certifiable loony is guaranteed to bring...it's anybody's game.

Survivor: Philippines...No Respect

So...They are going to drag the histrionic soul sucker's carcass to the end after all. Why? Because those pesky lofty ideals that their spokesperson (Denise) bragged about two Tribal Councils ago were getting inconvenient, and voting out the tough competitors that are considered "deserving" and keeping vile incompetents is a beloved time-honored Survivor tradition.

Poor Carter never had a chance. He was everything that Abi is not...competitive, likable, and worthy of a few jury votes, which made him someone that the members of a certain final four alliance would rather see on the jury than sitting next to them at the final Tribal Council. His plea for respect as a fellow competitor went ignored and he was packed off to the Ponderosa by a unanimous vote.

Malcolm emerged victorious from a win or run along to the Ponderosa Immunity Challenge seemingly unaware of the necessity of the win and ready to send that bitch Abi to disrupt the peaceful harmony of the jury. A chat with Michael shifted the focus from the necessity of peace at camp to the importance of being parked next to someone that the jury hates at the final Tribal Council, and marked the beginning of the end for Carter.

When Michael's son gave himself road rash climbing a tree, I knew my hunch about the amount of time that the Skupin family clocks at their local ER had been dead on.

Denise is two or three Tribal Councils away from being the only Survivor in history to have the distinction of attending every Tribal Council of an entire season. If she makes it to the last one, she deserves to win.

The emotional roller coaster ride that we are trapped on with Lisa needs to end. It's nauseating and it endangers the Survivor lives of better players, who, incidentally, did not require their loved ones to suggest the obvious to them. The only people I want to see win less than Lisa is the crazy bitch and the hasbeen, in that order.

Speaking of the loved ones...I was right about Butthead paying the Survivors a visit. I was just wrong about who he was going to be there to see.

Survivor: Philippines...Crazy Luck

Sometimes it's better to be lucky than good. Occasionally, chance favors the desperate. Jonathan was a man without an alliance, making his vote for Abi rather than Pete on day twenty-two a colossal error that he was unlikely to recover from. But, as luck would have it, the fringe members of the Tandang alliance began turning on its leaders, the Evil Three, temporarily prolonging Jonathan's Survivor life.

And then sometimes chance favors the bitter, the obnoxious, and the toxic. Abi's behavior had made her tribe mates eager to be rid of her, making her good fortune at the Survivor Auction the only thing that stood between her and a one-way ticket to the Ponderosa. She literally bought her way into the final round of the Immunity Challenge, which presented no difficulties to someone that had rested on her backside for two grueling rounds and was not carrying any additional weight. Yet, she barely beat Carter, and then strutted about as if she had just set the course record in the Ironman Triathlon, making most of us want to vomit.

Abi's temporary stay of execution meant trouble for Jonathan, who had foolishly and inexplicably refused Michael's and Lisa's generous offer of a final three deal that most likely would have saved him. After that blabbermouth Lisa alerted him to her new alliance's plan to eliminate him, he attempted to round up enough votes to eliminate major threat Denise instead, but was unable to convince Michael and Lisa to violate their final four deal with Denise and Malcolm.

Two hasbeens down. One to go. As well as a crazy bitch, a tattletale, and Butthead's best friend.

Survivor: Philippines...Unlikable Dead Weight

Pete was a casualty of his own arrogance and his allegiance's mistreatment of its fringe members, who predictably grew sick and tired of being bullied and created a majority against the Evil Three, which is now down to its last member.

Abi owes RC, and her clue to the location of the hidden immunity idol that she later found, to her continued presence in the game. She sucks at challenges, so her only hope now that her idol has been played is that the Survivors aligned against her change their current stance regarding the kind of game they want to play.

Denise announced at Tribal Council that the prevailing strategy is to not allow the dead weight (those that contribute and/or accomplish nothing) and the unlikable (those who behave without consideration for the feelings of others) to make it to the end. No one disputed this, or even looked like they were in disagreement.

After calling Abi out on her shameless sucking up to the jury, Jeff attempted to help her shift some of the blame for her behavior to the cultural differences between her and her tribe mates. She was nasty to anyone that did not say and do exactly as she demanded, she bragged incessantly about the reward that her team won without any help from her, and she behaved like a princess after the reward, refusing to help with the work at camp because she wanted to enjoy whatever time she had left. Selfishness and entitlement are not behaviors that result from cultural confusion. They are character flaws that put Abi squarely into the dead weight and unlikable categories that Denise spoke of.

Jonathan was right. Abi will not win this time. No matter how long she lasts.

Note: Once again...Thank you to the artistic geniuses over at survivorsucks.yuku.com for the excellent gif of Denise.

Survivor: Philippines...The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly Part Two

Lisa is way too nice to play a cutthroat game like Survivor. Her decisions, which I originally attributed to strategy, are actually driven by an excessive need for approval, and kept the Evil Three in power long past the time that they should have been packed off to the Ponderosa. She was not in a mutually beneficial alliance; she was a plus one being used for her vote, which she was willing to trade for acceptance that she never got. She deserved better, but she really should have known better. Good people often make the worst Survivors.

Michael and his many injuries were a liability to the Tandang gang from the moment he was foisted on them. He is a returning player who has done next to nothing with his second chance except perpetuate the Evil Three alliance. The only good thing I can think of to say about him is that he was the vote that sent Artis to the jury. Too little. Way too late.

Carter looks very lost without his counterpart Butthead. Hopefully, he'll survive until the friends and family Reward Challenge so we can see the reunion.

Abi is not a Survivor. She is a certifiably crazy mean girl who employs emotional blackmail as a means to getting what she wants. Perceived slights result in threats, which often escalate to emotional bullying. She sat out most of the early challenges and wasn't picked to play the last one, which suggests that she hasn't gotten as far as she has by contributing anything and isn't well liked. If she makes it to the final Tribal Council, it will be due to the strategy of those wise enough to know that someone as loathsome as she is will not garner any votes.
I wonder if the nut house will issue her a weekend pass for the finale, or if her presence there will be courtesy of Skype.

Survivor: Philippines...The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly Part One

Malcolm boldly challenged the opposing alliance and risked his Survivor life by running a bluff that kept his idol in the game and the Tandang alliance off balance. He also wisely showed Lisa the grace and mercy that she desperately needed after betraying him. Very good. And my new favorite.

Denise orchestrated the termination of the Evil Three's most valuable, yet least protected, player, Artis. She is a triple threat; smart, strong, and likable. Definitely good. And I wouldn't mind seeing her make it to the end with her ally, Malcolm.

Jonathan blew the vote that could have saved his ally, Jeff Kent. Very, very bad. It was his strategy during the Reward Challenge that gave his team a clear advantage, which led to their victory and a new alliance for him. Very good. He then began a one man crusade to manipulate Lisa into switching alliances by playing on her need to be viewed in a positive light. Morally ambiguous, but strategically necessary and good. He successfully lured Michael away from the Tandang alliance, giving his new alliance the numbers they needed to take Artis out of the game. Also very good. It galls me that I keep finding myself rooting for him when I loathe his presence in the game on principle.

Pete blew the blindside of Malcolm, which proved to be detrimental to his Evil Three alliance. Definitely bad. He is also a troublemaker with no motivation other than a compulsion to disrupt the order of the universe, like the retired jackass in my neighborhood that drives ten miles under the speed limit every weekday morning, making everybody stuck behind him late for work. Bad and ugly. He can get kicked off the island next.

Artis arrogantly believed that bullies are untouchable. Very bad. He mistakenly thought that treating people badly is not only acceptable, but the best way to keep them loyal. Very ugly. He got what he deserved.

Note:  Part Two will be posted on Wednesday.

Survivor: Philippines...Diarrhea of the Mouth

     The inability to keep one's trap shut is an affliction that manifests itself in early childhood--talking while the teacher is talking, tattling the misdeeds of others to persons in authority--but is often outgrown sometime during adolescence, the exception being some teenage girls who possess an overabundance of information courtesy of the social media, which makes overcoming the urge to blab everything they know a near impossibility. Adults still struggling with this malady should not be told anything more salacious than what you consumed for breakfast (unless alcohol was involved), and they should most certainly never, ever be told something as vital to survival as whether you're holding an immunity idol if you were to be unfortunate enough to find yourself stuck on an island with them.

     While not the biggest blabbermouth in the Philippines, Lisa did blab the biggest secret (twice), and set in motion a chain of ridiculousness that ultimately cost Jeff Kent his Survivor life, may he rest in reality game show peace. The repercussions of this questionable strategy will not be pretty because, when she betrayed a fringe member of her Tandang alliance, she incurred the wrath of the Evil Three's token nutjob, Abi, who took the news of Lisa's transgression in much the same way that a snake would after being poked with a sharp stick.

     Abi, however, should be the last one to point an accusatory finger at anyone, being a less than stellar secret keeper herself. If memory serves, she leaked info about RC's clue to the location of a hidden immunity idol to Pete once upon a not very long ago time. More recently, she ran off at the mouth about her alliance hierarchy to Carter in front of Michael, and then whipped out her immunity idol with very little provocation from Jeff (Probst) and no discernible reason at Tribal Council. Apparently, crazy exacerbates dysfunctional thought processes which triggers motormouth disorder.

     Nothing brings a blindside to a screaming halt like a foolish bigmouth who doesn't recognize a golden opportunity when it gets delivered to him wrapped in a charming Texas accent. Pete deserves the imminent implosion of his Evil Three plus one (Lisa) alliance.

     In Malcolm's defense, he did not have a wealth of options at his disposal. Displaying his immunity idol and outing Lisa for making it common knowledge that he had it at Tribal Council may have bought him some time and put the hurt to Lisa's Tandang alliance.

     As for Jeff, the vets that he had plotted against from the beginning (purposely?) blew the vote that would have kept him in the game, leaving poor, perpetually confused (stoned?) Carter with no one to tell him what to do, and me needing a new favorite player.
     Let us observe a moment of silence...

Note: Thank you survivorsucks.yuku.com for the excellent gifs of Pete and Malcolm.

Survivor: Philippines...Family Feud

     Wednesday night's episode of Survivor was the reality game show version of an object lesson in the hazards of merging one dysfunctional family with another...alliances shift, the crazy declare war, and the dumbest tribe name in the history of the game is suggested, voted into existence, and painted on a flag for all to mock.

     The first item on Michael's agenda post merge is to negotiate an alliance, any alliance, that will eliminate three of his Tandang family members, Abi, Pete, and Artis because, in the humble opinion of Catastrophe Walking, they are "too rude to run this game." This from the man that traded a feast to the enemy for a potful of uncooked rice.

     Jeff plotted on Day 1 to rid us all of hasbeen Jonathan, but then saw the necessity of making a temporary deal with the hasbeen when said hasbeen copped to having the hidden immunity idol. With the merge providing potential comrades to join him in his campaign against the hasbeen, Jeff lost no time recruiting Abi, Pete, Artis, and Malcolm in exchange for aligning with them against RC, and then had no problem making a deal with Michael (the other hasbeen) to go after most of his new alliance (Abi, Pete, and Artis) in exchange for Michael's aid in getting rid of Jonathan, whom Michael had already agreed to help in the game since hasbeens with targets on their backs need to stick together. Jeff is targeting hasbeens and pitting them against each other, and that's all the reason I need to keep him my favorite.

     Lisa continued in the role of dysfunctional family caretaker after the merge, but was not opposed to taking a friendly swim with Jonathan, who knew her secret and left the encounter thinking that he had finally managed to bond with someone. And then "the church lady", as Malcolm affectionately refers to her, cut Jonathan's throat at Tribal Council, casting her vote to kick him off the island. Lisa is physically and mentally tough in challenges and seems to make decisions based on strategy rather than emotion, which is why I hope she outlasts the Survivor pretenders she is forced to share space with.

     While we're on the subject of pretenders...Watching Jeff try (in vain) to explain the voting strategy to Carter before Tribal Council gave me a headache. The prevailing theories are that Carter's IQ falls into the Borderline Low range on the IQ scale, or he's got a stash of medicinal marijuana somewhere on that island. My money's on stoned.

     Carter's polar opposite is Malcolm, whose presence of mind prompted him to join the Mean Kids alliance (Abi, Pete, and Artis) because that's where the power was. He's holding a hidden immunity idol and he made sweet-talking Lisa into keeping it a secret look easy. He's capable in any kind of challenge, but has managed to be perceived as less of a threat than he really is. He also has a loyal ally in former fellow Matsing, Denise. For a guy from a decimated tribe, Malcolm is situated pretty well. If he can safely navigate Abi's cycles of crazy, then I predict he will be arguing his case at the final Tribal Council.

     Denise survived the chaos that was life at the Matsing camp, managed to avoid becoming a target at the Kalabaw camp, and is keeping a low profile at the Dangrayne camp. She won the first individual immunity necklace and has the distinction of attending (and surviving) every Tribal Council since the season began. She is loyal and she can keep a secret. She is everything an actual Survivor should be, and, hopefully, will outlast the pretenders she's stuck with.

     Which brings us to Tribal Council, where that perpetual shit-stirrer Jeff (Probst) brings up the subject of betrayals, which prompts a confrontation between Abi and RC regarding RC's alleged betrayal of Abi's trust. RC truthfully denies Abi's allegations, which are ludicrous, being projections of Abi's own wrongdoings and figments of the maze of crazy in Abi's head.

     In the end, RC's innocence was not a factor because the game had become a popularity contest that was rigged by her enemies, and Jonathan played his idol to save himself.
     Another pretender down, four pretenders and two hasbeens to go.

Survivor: Philippines...A Low Down Dirty Deal

     WARNING:  The Detroit Tigers are playing in the World Series like the team that trailed the White Sox all season. And Tigers fans from northern Michigan who have been relocated to San Francisco should not be seen in public wearing their brand new American League Champions T-shirts while said champions are getting their asses handed to them a few miles away. It makes us the object of public ridicule or contempt, depending on which kind of Giants fan we encounter. My mood is now spectacularly foul. No one is safe.

     When is a reward not a reward? When it is reduced to the equivalent of a pot full of uncooked rice and haggled over by two old coots (hasbeen Jonathan Penner and hasbeen Michael Skupin). So, what had been a down and dirty old school Survivor challenge ended abruptly with a poorly brokered deal and no clear winners. Just a bunch of losers.

     My disgust is outweighed only by my disappointment. How could Jeff (Probst) allow such an atrocity to occur? Isn't it his job to keep the idiocy in check? *sighs heavily* This season, Survivor had been showing signs of returning to its former greatness--Survivors on the verge of starvation, picnics instead of feasts as rewards, challenges requiring the Survivors to "dig deep"--and then Jeff had to go and enable those slackers to quit mid-challenge. He could have gone for a pedicure instead of refereeing, like he did last season. The result would have been the same.

     Speaking of Jeff...I never know which version of him will show up. Will we get snarky Jeff relentlessly ragging on the terminally lazy (Abi), the hopelessly useless (Katie), the dangerously clumsy (Michael), and the annoying simply because he cannot help himself (Jonathan)? Or will we get compassionate Jeff who helps those incapable of expressing themselves at Tribal Council by translating for them (Katie again) and gently covers the seriously ill with his own outwear (Dana)? Or the version of Jeff that I hope to never see again, the one that is as defeated as the shirkers posing as Survivors this season? For the record, snarky Jeff is my favorite. He pushes those people to be the Survivors that they promised to be and doesn't let them get away with anything.

     Which brings us to the latest Survivor pretender to be kicked off the island by a unanimous vote. Katie considers her current occupation to be former Miss Delaware and she sported hooker hoops in the jungle. Enough said.
     As for the actual Survivors on those tribes...I will get to them next time when I'm, hopefully, a much happier Tigers fan and, consequently, in the right mood to praise those that have earned it.
     Who might I be referring to? Hint: I didn't mention any of them in this post.
     Go Tigers! Please?