Survivor: Caramoan...Delusions of Greatness

...And then there are times when I absolutely revel in being right.

A unanimous vote awarded Cochran a million dollars and the title of sole Survivor on Sunday night, mercifully concluding a disappointing season that began with an ill-conceived assembly of obnoxious incompetents and then dragged interminably through narcissistic crusades and borderline psychotic breakdowns. At least the end of this wreck was satisfactory in that the Survivor that played the best game was the one that emerged victorious.

Cochran was the master of his own fate right to the end. He secured his seat at the final Tribal Council by winning the final Immunity Challenge, and controlled the vote that determined who would sit next to him.

The final Tribal Council was a demonstration of the jury's universal admiration for Cochran and their disgust for Dawn and Sherri, the only two people present that were ignorant of the absurdity of their convictions that they had earned their places there.

And, because sometimes the worst players make the most entertaining jurors, we were blessed with the following...

Eddie challenged Sherri to admit that her useless ass had been dragged all the way to the final three. Her denial only made us, and the jury, laugh that much harder.

The Specialist kicked Sherri (codename Tenacity) out of his beloved Stealth R Us, permanently revoking all rights and privileges.

Ironically, my favorite moment was bestowed on us courtesy of my least favorite player...Phillip's priceless imitation of Dawn in the throes of one of her countless emotional collapses. And his declaration that she was a disruptive force around camp was as funny as it was hypocritical.

Erik brought Sherri's delusional parade to an abrupt halt when he informed the self-proclaimed, "underestimated leader of her alliance" that she was just a "seashell on the beach". Her reaction to this is unfathomable--he could have called her an abhorrent freeloader and not been exaggerating--and her antagonistic responses were as foolish as her high opinion of her so-called game play.

And then we bore witness to one of the most disgusting displays of petty vengeance...

Brenda has claimed that she has no regrets about anything she did this season. This atrocity should have been the exception.

Cochran played a masterful game while enduring Phillip's insanity, Brandon's emotional instability, and Dawn's daily histrionics, and the moment that he was handed his hard-earned check was the only redeeming quality of that travesty of a Reunion Show.

Brandon Hantz was banned from the Reunion Show, and the brain trust in charge of decision making over at Survivor parked the pre-jury competitors in the audience, rather than on stage where they belonged, and ignored them in a pitiful attempt to disguise Brandon's absence. Frankly, Brandon deserved better, and the people that became collateral damage of more than one poor decision made by the executive producers this season deserved better.

And since I'm already ranting, I might as well express my disgust at the following...

Jeff coerced Dawn into publicly apologizing to Brenda, but Brenda's actions did not merit an apology to Dawn?

Apparently, The Specialist has been handing out Stealth R Us nicknames on the street, giving Survivor's executive producers the flimsy excuse they needed to foist a montage of The Phillip Sheppard Show on an audience that can no longer stomach it.

A hasbeen peddling his book should not have been given valuable airtime when there were competitors from this season sitting in the audience.


There are only two good things that can be said about this season of Survivor as a whole...

The cancellation of The Phillip Sheppard Show by The Three Amigos.

And, Survivor: Caramoan was better than Survivor: One World. But not by much.


Big Brother 15 is scheduled to start on Wednesday June 26th. Rumor has it that Allison Grodner will not be dragging in hasbeens, as "returning players" or as "coaches", this season. Wouldn't it be great if it was true?

Survivor: Caramoan...Kindness Begets Betrayal

Unwritten Survivor commandment number three...Thou shalt not commit any deed that could be perceived as good for it will not go unpunished.

Brenda and her daddy rocked the Reward Challenge, only to be faced with a painful choice courtesy of those sadists on Probst's crack production team. It could have been because she possesses a kind heart, or maybe she wanted to curry favor with potential jury members, or perhaps she just couldn't stomach another moment of this...

Whatever the reason, Brenda chose to bestow the floating barbecue reward on the four remaining survivors and their loved ones, denying herself, Dawn, and their loved ones the reward that she had won, making Dawn break down and weep uncontrollably. AGAIN.

Brenda, who had already spent an unconscionable amount of time as Dawn's caretaker this season, wasted an entire afternoon putting that emotional train wreck back on its rails while having to endure the sights and sounds of her fellow survivors partying down with their loved ones nearby.

Dawn's selfishness raged on at the Immunity Challenge, where she begged Brenda to throw the challenge because she wanted to win one. Again, I can only guess at Brenda's motives, but the challenge was indeed thrown and it was done in a way that made it look as though Dawn won it for real instead of by default. With the exception of anything involving Phillip, Dawn celebrating her faux victory was the most revolting moment of the season.

Given the circumstances, blindsiding Brenda was a particularly cutthroat move. It was also unbelievably stupid. Cochran, who has successfully manipulated others into doing his dirty work for him, and Sherri, who is nothing but a shameless floater, probably won't suffer too much jury hostility, for this at least. But, Dawn, who had betrayed three of the five jury members, could not afford to stab Brenda in the heart in such a cold-hearted manner, bringing her tally of disgruntled jurors to four. Dawn's emotional instability, which may or may not be fueled by her full-blown menopause, clouded her judgement and, barring a miracle (someone committing an act more heinous than hers), cost her any likability that she may have garnered with the jury.

Of the five remaining survivors, Cochran probably has the best shot at winning. He's played a shrewd game, manipulating outcomes without appearing to do so, thereby making few, if any, enemies, and hovering just below the radar by winning too few challenges to be perceived as a legitimate threat, or the "challenge beast" that he proclaimed himself to be.

The last Amigo (formerly known as Douche 2) could find himself sitting at the Final Tribal Council due to an oversight by the tattered remains of Stealth R Us, who have been way too preoccupied with blindsiding each other to dispatch Eddie to the jury where he belongs. He might even find himself with enough votes to win the game since two of the current jury members were allied with him once upon a time and the other four bear no grudges against him.

If shameless floating is a legitimate strategy in Survivor, and if performing atrociously in challenges and possessing an abrasive personality command an iota of respect, then, by all means, give the million dollars to the irritating woman that erroneously believed that she could control Shamar.

Erik's Survivor vacation was frequently interrupted by pesky challenges that required him to exert himself, and meetings with Jeff, who made him write names that weren't his own on pieces of paper, which required him to pay attention. The irony? Erik has a decent shot at winning a million dollars if he's parked next to the two most reviled players left in the game, Dawn and Sherri, at the Final Tribal Council.

After the first episode, I predicted that this season was not going to make me happy. Sometimes, I hate it when I'm right.

Survivor: Caramoan...Not So Covert Ops

A season of Survivor bearing the title of Fans vs. Favorites implies that veterans of the game will be challenged by fans who have followed the game so closely that they could pose a threat to those with actual experience playing it. What did we get instead? Feckless idiots that carry on as if they've never seen the show before, and incompetent disciples of Boston Rob that can't keep their traps shut.

Reynold started the game as a Douche and finished it as an Amigo. He was smug and entitled until the tribe shuffle when he began associating with Malcolm and became someone I could almost root for. Almost. Maybe he'll be more likable next time around. Like Brenda.

Big Mouth Andrea made a rookie mistake and herself into a target when she blabbed her intentions to eliminate Dawn to Cochran, a known alliance of Dawn's. What happened next never had a tattling menopausal woman's chance at winning Survivor of achieving the magnificence of the moment that Malcolm pulled the trigger that ended Phillip's reign of militarized crazy. But the moment that The Terminator's lapse in paranoia got her terminated with an Immunity Idol in her pocket did give us this...

and this...

and this...

and came thisclose to not happening at all because those blabbermouths in her tribe have no off-switch once Jeff winds them up.

So...It took one whole episode to rid us of a former Douche and a terminal Big Mouth, leaving us with two feckless idiots and four incompetent disciples.

And scores of disgruntled fans.