Survivor: Caramoan...Under The Influence

What does a frat boy at a kegger have in common with a fan favorite at a Survivor Auction? Neither one can finish what he starts after he's had a few.

Booze is never a good idea when you need to keep your wits about you. Just ask Malcolm if slamming a few beers helped him to focus on that clue to the hidden Immunity Idol that he desperately needed to find. Something (experience) tells me that trying to commit a few simple instructions to memory while a little bit snockered was not one of the easier things that he has ever attempted, especially since so much was riding on him getting it right.

Impaired reasoning led a slightly hungover Malcolm to the well, where he began a fruitless search for the elusive idol. He was interrupted by Nosy Andrea and her sidekick, Cochran, who parked themselves on top of the well and refused to let Malcolm hunt for his salvation in peace. After Cochran traipsed off to the little boys room, Malcolm and Andrea engaged in that favorite playground pastime, Standoff, until Malcolm surrendered his position, and his shot at surviving Tribal Council.

Outplayed during an endurance Immunity Challenge, outlasted by Pain In The Ass Andrea in a battle of wills, and unable to outwit a bunch of nitwits, Malcolm found himself booted to The Ponderosa, where The Specialist was waiting to play Special Ops: The Survivor Edition with him.

I cannot help feeling that, in spite of his failings, my favorite hasbeen deserved better.

Survivor: Caramoan...Stick To The Plan

It was so good that I had to see it again. And then, just because that man had behaved in such a putrid manner toward his fellow tribe mates, I had to watch it a third time. The Three Amigos cancelled The Phillip Sheppard Show in what will likely go down in Survivor history as the best Tribal Council ever.

Phillip dubbed him The Enforcer, but Malcolm will probably be better remembered by him as The Assassin, not only of his Survivor life but also of his character because that's how Phillip's particular brand of crazy works. It enables him to accept the unavoidable while perpetuating the delusions that keep the crazy running like a well oiled machine. The unavoidable truth? Malcolm terminated him. The delusion that martyred Phillip, making his termination tolerable to him? Malcolm maligned his character, when, in reality (ours, not Phillip's), Malcolm merely stated a few irrefutable facts for the Tribal Council record.

It all began with Reynold winning the Immunity Challenge, spoiling the Stealth R Us plot to get rid of him. Not being a particularly imaginative bunch (and being run by a crazy despot and his idiot deputy), Stealth R Us switched the target to Malcolm, but clung to their favorite plan to always split those votes.

Malcolm literally pulled an Immunity Idol out of a hole in a rock to thwart Stealth R Us for a second time, causing the target to shift from him to Eddie and eliminating the split vote cherished by Phillip and his minions.

Which brings us to my favorite forum, Tribal Council, where Big Mouth Andrea announced that Eddie was going to be joining Michael at The Ponderosa because her alliance's first choice, Reynold, won immunity and their second choice, Malcolm, found an immunity idol, which Malcolm immediately produced for all to gawk at.

Big Mouth Andrea later proceeded to whine about how difficult it was for her to have to avoid Malcolm, Reynold, and Eddie at camp because of the target that it was making of her due to paranoia. She would probably still be running off at the mouth if Jeff hadn't interrupted her to ask Malcolm about tension at camp. And then...IT happened...the moment that very nearly redeemed the entire wretched season. Malcolm pulled out the Immunity Idol that no one knew he had and handed it to Eddie, giving Stealth R Us their third screwing of the day.

Nothing shines a bright light on incompetence like an unexpected development. Former special agent Phillip couldn't have been properly trained because he clearly did not have an alternate plan in place, and he demonstrated an incapacity for quick thinking when he told his fellow incompetents to vote the way that they had originally planned, even though Malcolm had announced that The Three Amigos, he, Reynold, and Eddie, would be voting for Phillip.

FACT:  Phillip selfishly ran Boston Rob's Survivor playbook without regard for the wishes or feelings of others.
FACT:  Phillip treated others with condescension and disrespect.
FACT:  Phillip's alliance did nothing to save him. (And they couldn't help themselves...they split those votes.)

To those responsible for the termination of Phillip, thank you. You have done Survivor fans everywhere a great service.

Survivor: Caramoan...Operation FUBAR

This week's installment of Survivor's current debacle, The Phillip Sheppard Show, can best be described as follows...

Nauseating. I'm not sure which tested the resolve of my queasy stomach more, The Specialist awkwardly wooing Sherri (code name Tenacity) into Stealth R Us, or Eddie's ego keeping him blissfully ignorant of Andrea's ulterior motives as she flirted shamelessly (and badly) with him.

Disappointing. How could Malcolm not know that Big Mouth Dawn running her big fat mouth was the reason that Corinne got blindsided at the last Tribal Council? His mistake would have made him the next to be blindsided if Andrea had been the least bit capable of running a proper blindside.

Embarrassing. Former super special federal agent Phillip was the first one out of the Immunity Challenge. Lucky for us, our national security never depended on The Specialist's ability to adapt to the changing tide.

Impressive. Brenda lived up to her Stealth R Us nickname, Serenity, and shamed one of our government's former finest *snickers* when she excelled at the waterboarding challenge.

Humiliating. Did I mention Eddie's ego? It let him get played by a girl and led him to sell out his alliance. Lucky for Malcolm, Eddie blabbing to Andrea that she was their target caused her brain to crash.

Irritating. Dawn stops crying long enough to try to play the game, runs her big fat mouth long enough to wreck the games of better players, and then dissolves back into a blubbering mess until it's time for her to start the wretched cycle all over again. Enough.

Social Grooming. Erik's only contribution to the sharing time portion of Tribal Council.

Petty. Sherri announced at Tribal Council that "Payback is a bitch." A bitch named Sherri?

Deja vu. A fool and his idol are soon parted. Again.

Genius. Malcolm talked Reynold right out of his Immunity Idol, guaranteeing his immediate safety and giving the false impression that he would be vulnerable at the next Tribal Council. That's why he's still one of my favorites.

Incompetent. See also:  Disappointing and Humiliating.

Add Certifiable to that last one, and you've got a pretty accurate summary of the entire season.

Survivor: Caramoan...The Flaw in the Plan

I love The Merge. It ratchets the paranoia, shatters any complacency, and breaks already fragile spirits. It tests old loyalties and new alliances. And, perhaps most entertaining of all, it pushes the limits of patience, especially the patience of those wanting to make a big move, either to remove someone they perceive to be a huge threat to them or to rid themselves of someone so irritating that forced cohabitation no longer seems possible.

I cannot stand The Phillip Sheppard Show that fans of Survivor are subjected to every Wednesday night, and I do not want to imagine what being stuck in the middle of its production must have been like. Phillip's special brand of crazy is the least offensive thing about him, but must be hellish to deal with once the initial introductions are over. His narcissism, arrogance, and condescension are probably what breaks people subjected to them for any length of time, and by Day 20 makes them desperate to blindside him out of existence.

Twenty days is nineteen and a half days longer than I could put up with being dismissed like I was too stupid to have an opinion that mattered, so Corinne is to be commended for managing to tolerate his boorish behavior for as long as she did. That said, she blew her own game by plotting against her enemy at a time when it is critical to survival that one appear harmless. She might have gotten away with it, however, if she had not made one more mistake. She told Dawn.

When Dawn isn't crying, she is the Caramoan version of Twitter, constantly updating everyone on what everyone else is doing. So, it was no surprise to anyone (except Corinne) that she tattled Corinne's plan to overthrow "Lord Phillip of the High Shelter" (nice one, Reynold) as soon as she learned of it.

Phillip, predictably, was indignant when the news reached him courtesy of Andrea (of course) because he is the only one allowed to do any plotting. It must be one of the rules in his mental guide to running a Survivor dictatorship that he learned at the feet of his master, Boston Rob. He declared Corinne targeted for elimination and his minions scurried to carry out his orders. *shakes head in confusion*  Two seasons of this foolishness haven't brought me any closer to understanding cult mentality.

Survivor's crack editing staff kept how Andrea managed to get Erik to betray his brand new boys alliance a secret, but his vote was the one that Phillip needed to demonstrate his dominance, making an example of Corinne and making the rest of us want to vomit.

The upside of this particular mess? Erik was under a lot of pressure as the swing vote, yet he managed to get Corinne's name right. With his history, I wouldn't have been surprised if he had written his own. Does that count?

Big Brother Canada...Instant Drama

As long as it continues to hold my attention, I will continue to post updates of Big Brother Canada on Mondays.

Can you hear it? No, that's not it...That's a full blown tantrum being thrown by a grown man that has just learned that his gourmet life is suspended for as long as he is destined to be on a slop diet. Nooo, that's not it either...That's a girl fight between an acute sufferer of diarrhea of the mouth and a floater that shouldn't have been shocked to hear that she was a potential target. Yes! That's what I've been waiting five long weeks to hear...The absence of the horrific racket that is Suzanne's voice, loud, whiny, and endlessly grating. *breathes sigh of relief*  Peace at last.

"Winner" of the shortest reign in Big Brother history, Topaz ran her mouth to host Arisa Cox (so awful that Julie Chen seems almost competent by comparison) and learned a valuable life lesson. Never tell anyone anything that you don't want everyone to know.

Topaz's instant nominations of Andrew and AJ were followed by the the instant eviction of everyone's favorite pawn star AJ, who is now the self-appointed HOH of the jury house. I look forward to future segments of AJ telling us how AJ is keeping busy without anyone for AJ to talk to but AJ.

Andrew learned that he was Topaz's target during her gabfest with Arisa, televised for the viewing pleasure of all the house guests. As the new HOH, he has the power of retribution (for his nomination and his best friend AJ's eviction) at his disposal and has demonstrated an apparent willingness to wield it, putting Topaz on the block with Gary, who is quite possibly the real target. If so, then starving on slop Gary is not the glitter-covered pawn that he thinks he is. He's AJ's new glitter-covered companion at the jury house.

But at least it's quiet. Now, if only big brother would take that stupid air hockey table away from them.