Big Brother 14...Suck It ChillTown 2.0

     All Hail Shane Meaney! He's the puppet that became a real player that is poised to become the architect of the demise of that shoddy imitation of the original ChillTown. The nomination of Boogie and Frank yesterday was the best moment in the Big Brother house since Willie Hantz rallied his fellow newbies to the brink of rebellion. I would gladly send Shane a crate of Monsters in tribute to the biggest move of the game this season if CBS would only let me.

     The fallout from these nominations is as entertaining as the nominations were masterful. Britney is giving Danielle some serious competition in her bid for Mayor of CrazyTown as she attempts to remove the "huge target" that she is convinced Shane staple-gunned to her back when he cited her as the most influential in his decision to park Boogie and Frank on the block. She's such a "mastermind" that she hasn't realized that Dan is the one that Boogie and Frank perceive as the real threat.
     Speaking of Danielle...She continues to spin her own myth in whatever spare time she has left over from stalking Shane. Which brings me to this amazing shot of Danielle shortly after being denied entry to a meeting being held by her own alliance.

     To the mysterious benefactor that sent me this, Thank You. You made my day.

     As I wait impatiently for those slackers to finish the POV Competition (I think we're going on five hours now), I imagine Shane winning it and keeping his nominations the same. I don't care which of them gets booted out on Thursday night. Boogie is a vet that shouldn't even be there, and Frank is a loathsome excuse for a human being who would have been evicted two weeks ago if not for the interference of Allison Grodner and shouldn't even be there either.
     Speaking of everyone's least favorite pain in the ass...Rumor has it that Pandora's Box is going to be utilized in a way that is guaranteed to piss me off. Apparently, Shane revealed that production tried to talk him out of nominating Boogie and Frank, so the speculation is that the meddlesome bitch is going to use Pandora's Box to save one or both of them. How can CBS continue to maintain that production does not manipulate the game in any way? Because, for them, lying is a reflex, like breathing, and it's a condition of employment.
     So tell us what you think of ChillTown 2.0's impending doom. Canonize Shane as a hero, or demonize him as a villain. Your choice. Just be sure to cite your reasons for doing so in a way that even a CBS honcho can understand (no words of more than one syllable). You've seen it. It's fair game. Let's talk about it.

Note: I know that, as soon as I post this, the feeds will return, probably with a result that will incite me to rant in a follow-up post, which I will most certainly do. With all the profane words at my disposal. Count on it.

Big Brother 14...Worse Than A Puppet

     Janelle's fans are ranting about her "unfair" eviction. Danielle's haters are lining up to call her out on every lie she's ever told. Opponents of production's interference in the game are threatening to strike in retaliation. It seems to me that the action going on outside the game has become far more interesting than the game itself.

     Not that what's going on now could be called a game. A game requires players. And any shot that we might have had at having some of those was eliminated when Allison Grodner put vets in the house. What we're stuck with instead is a bunch of people hanging out in the Big Brother house waiting to become one of two things, a pawn or collateral damage. I'm starting to think I was better off watching Big Barry and his awful singing over at AGT. *sighs and stoically resigns self to the unavoidable reality of substandard entertainment for the remainder of the summer*

     Speaking of substandard...Julie Chen's "homeskillet" Frank is HOH and has used the power that he lucked into this week to do NOTHING. The puppet wanted to become a player. Too bad the puppet was so enamored with being the other half of ChillTown 2.0 that he didn't notice when master manipulator Boogie turned him into his bitch instead of his partner.

     A player would have used his power to target the vets. A player would have known that Boogie's best shot at winning is sitting next to another vet at the end and seen Boogie's opposition to Frank's wanting to nominate Dan for the self-serving act that it was. But Frank is not a player. He's not even a puppet anymore. He may be off his leash, but he's so well trained that he doesn't need one.
     I won't be watching tonight. Yes, again. And, no, I am not on strike. I just don't care to watch Frank win the POV only to follow his master's commands to keep the floaters on the block. I probably won't even watch tomorrow night to see which one of them goes home, partly because I don't care, but mostly because I'm anxious to avoid the HD version of Frank's and Ashley's "ice cream date". Ewwwwww.
     So tell us what you think. Are you, like me, trawling On Demand in search of entertainment to help you pass the time until Survivor starts? Or are you satisfied with a poor imitation of last season's Big Brother? You've seen it. It's fair game. Let's talk about it.

Big Brother 14...Keeping It Classy

     One down. Three to go.

     The vet posing as a coach posing as everybody's bestie (until she didn't need them anymore) strutted out of the Big Brother house on Thursday night, courtesy of an eight to one vote to evict her. Boogie orchestrated it, the Silent Six executed it, and most of us rejoiced in it. The reasons for it varied, among the house guests and the masses, but the message seemed clear. After all, nothing says, "Get the Hell out" like an eight to one vote.

     To her credit, she managed to keep it classy (albeit a little self-grandizing) until the bitter end, the end being Boogie's good-bye message to her. Do those folks at CBS know which buttons to push or what? Janelle's fans got to see their hero bleeped on national television for calling her biggest adversary a douchebag behind his back, and the rest of us got just another glimpse of the real person beneath the phony facade.
     Which leaves us three vet evictions away from the game that Big Brother was meant to be, the game that we used to be allowed to enjoy, before previous winners and losers (some of them two time, now three time losers) were allowed in and given unfair advantages over the players most of us were tuning in to see.

     Except for Frank. I don't tune in to see Frank. Contrary to the greater good, he is HOH this week and, pursuant to his string puller's wishes, has nominated Wil and Joe for eviction. As if I didn't already have enough reasons to loathe Frank, he goes and puts up other newbies when he should be putting up vets. He wanted to target Dan, but Boogie said no. So he didn't. It seems that I was wrong when I counted Frank as a real player. Not this week anyway. This week he's Boogie's bitch.

     By the way, am I the only one among us that is questioning the "coincidence" of a memory competition to determine HOH every time Frank is eligible to compete? I am referring to the same Frank that sucks at any other type of competition. Just wondering.
     So now we wait. We wait for the outcome of the POV competition and then we wait for the all important decision of whether the POV will be used to save either Wil or Joe. I will be rooting for Wil to win POV and take himself off the block. And then I'll be waiting for someone (Shane is a likely candidate) to convince Frank that eliminating Dan is his and Boogie's best chance to make it to the end. I know, I know...I might as well wish for Reeses Peanut Butter Cups to start falling from the sky.
     So tell us what you're wishing for. And make sure you keep it classy. Just like Janelle.

Big Brother 14...We Have A Rematch

     In one corner, we have Karma, forced to make a return trip to the Big Brother house to finish the work that it began last week. Its primary objective? To rid the house guests (and the rest of us) of the vile cretin that is Frank, AKA Teller of Heinous Lies.

     In the other corner, we have Ironic Justice, also making a repeat appearance, but rather than targeting a lowly minion, its aiming instead for the lowly minion's leader, mean girl and so phony it makes my teeth hurt, Janelle.

     After careful consideration, I've decided that I don't care who emerges victorious. I am an equal opportunity cheerleader this week.
     I have been rooting for Karma to take out Frank since week one when Frank lied about Willie exhibiting homophobic behavior in an attempt to garner votes. The victory would have gone to Karma in last week's match if not for the machinations of Allison Grodner. A win tomorrow night would restore an element of fair play removed from the game last week, and ensure that the aforementioned vile cretin does not benefit from a lie that no one should tell under any circumstances. Go Karma!
     I have been rooting for Ironic Justice since week two when Shane partnered up with Boogie and Frank to target Janelle's team. It just seemed so appropriate that the people planning to go after her were people that she had betrayed (Shane because, as a member of Britney's team, he was no longer useful to Janelle once Boogie's team was in power) or was getting ready to betray (Frank and Boogie because their reign was almost at an end). Janelle is a shameless floater, attaching herself to whoever is currently occupying the HOH room. The over-the-top display of enthusiasm when Danielle won the endurance competition was just this side of ridiculous. Go Ironic Justice!
     Also, and I have been quite vocal about this, the vets should never have been allowed to play. A win for Ironic Justice tomorrow night would mean one less vet in the game. I realize that it was the vets who put Janelle within reach of Ironic Justice and, for this, I am grateful. And perfectly willing to sit back and watch the vets take each other out.
     To say that I'm disappointed in the newbies would be so much more polite than they deserve. The only two that seem to be playing the game (besides the vets) are Shane and Frank (who is so reprehensible that he doesn't count) so, unless the puppets decide to become players and ally themselves with Shane and Frank, these two newbies will be nothing more than pawns to get the vets to the end, where a vet will win. Just like last season.

     There have been reports on Twitter by feeders who have seen puppets Wil, Jenn, and Ashley showing signs of becoming real players, but I refuse to let myself hope. These are the same people who decided to ignore Willie's warning about the "coaches" running the game. It will take more than talk to make a believer out of me.

     I won't be watching tonight's episode. I have zero interest in the edited version of the manipulation of Danielle, the needy, neurotic, and certifiably delusional puppet who will most likely take the credit for Janelle's eviction (if it happens) when it was Boogie and Dan (with a little help from Britney) who have been pulling the strings in the house this week. I might tune in for the last few minutes though. I've seen the screenshots of Janelle looking like she'd been dragged backward through a bush after the POV ceremony, but seeing her in the moment that she realizes that Ironic Justice has snuck up on her arrogant self promises to be entertaining.
     So tell us what you think. Karma or Ironic Justice? Vets or Newbies? Intense psychotherapy or a psychopharmacological cocktail of antipsychotic drugs and antidepressants for Danielle? Or both? You've seen it. It's fair game. Let's talk about it.

Big Brother 14...Same Hell Different Day

     Welcome to a brand new season of Big Brother. We have twelve house guests, all were eligible to compete in the HOH competition and all are playing as individuals for the same $500,000 prize. There are no teams being controlled by "coaches". What we have now is eight newbies and four vets playing the game that the perpetual double-dealer Allison Grodner meant us to have all along, the first three weeks of this season being just a slight of hand that fooled nobody.

     Hang on a sec. A brand new season is not what Julie Chen promised us the other night. She said "reset", and she said it enough times that I know I heard her correctly. So...shouldn't the game have reverted to its original setting? Shouldn't Jodi, Kara, Willie, and JoJo have been restored to the game when it "reset"? It could be that my fair play loving soul is speaking up in protest of something that smacks of underhandedness when it should be shutting the hell up and not questioning the integrity of the shady people trying to sell me a figurative bridge to nowhere. But I don't think so.

     What I perceive to be a glaring error in semantics (and a gross violation of the ethics of fair play) aside, I will try to accept the hand I was dealt. I have a brand new game to watch and it could still be a good one. Right? After all, there is a newbie currently occupying the HOH room and she is unencumbered by nonsense like a CBS engineered twist that would require her to defer to a "coach" because she no longer has one. She also has the power to right some wrongs, starting with those vets that Allison Grodner brought in disguised as coaches. I say put two of them on the block (my picks would be Janelle and Boogie) and then renom another vet if one of the nominees wins POV. Simple, yes? The newbies have the numbers to eliminate the vets (have I mentioned that they outnumber them two to one?), and, if my calculations are correct, they could do it quickly because it appears that CBS has screwed itself into needing two double evictions in order to end this season on time. Right? I can't help visualizing two vets, keyless and miserable, at the end of the Nomination Ceremony and I smile in anticipation of tonight's episode.

     My brief visit to the Happy Land of Delusions ends abruptly (and meanly) thanks to my perpetual enemy Harsh Dose of Reality. One of my sources, who had been lurking over my shoulder while I was typing, began snickering. When confronted, he tells me that Wil and Frank are on the block and then confirms my suspicion that Dan had something to do with it. *looks around for something to throw*
     So, the brand new game is just the same game that was being played before the "reset". The vets are controlling the game and the newbies are letting them. Sounds an awful lot like last season to me.

     My sources tell me not to give up on the newbies yet because Danielle won the POV. *laughs and makes sarcastic remarks until sources threaten to leave* Okay. So what will Danielle do with this power? Probably whatever she's told to do with it by Ex "Coach" Dan and her make-believe honey pie, Shane. Based on what we've seen so far, I think this is a fair assumption. But then I learn that Boogie has made a convincing argument for taking down one of the nominees and renoming Janelle, and Danielle is considering it. This is good. This means that not all hope is lost, but it does depend on the whims of a wishy-washy newbie still operating in puppet mode and desperately seeking the approval of the temporary men in her temporary life. *sighs deeply and begins counting the days until Survivor starts*

     So tell us what you think. Does the "reset" seem like a rerun to you? Am I wrong for thinking that targeting the vets is the obvious choice? And what about the POV? What do you think Dan and Shane will tell Danielle to do with it? You've seen it. It's fair game. Let's talk about it.

Big Brother 14...What Fresh Hell Is This?

     I've been putting a lot of money in the swear jar lately. My daughter borrowed my car (for the first and, quite possibly, the last time), hopped a curb (probably at a speed that would horrify me if I knew), and destroyed a two hundred dollar tire. The Tigers lost on the road, relinquishing first place to the loathsome White Sox. My daughter has warned me that she plans to move to Chicago after she graduates from college and will begin worshiping at Comiskey Park (now known as U.S. Cellular Field). I have put her on notice that I will disown her when she does. The result of all this misery? A pretty substantial wad of cash that could conceivably pay off my Visa bill. And then last night happened.
     I planted myself in front of my TV at the appointed time, still foolishly fantasizing about a twist that would evict two players I cannot stand with one live episode. What I should have been doing was anticipating the many ways that Allison Grodner could have been busy plotting to sabotage what has already become the season of suck.

     Watching Julie Chen try (and fail) to build suspense for the much anticipated results of America's vote was worth a laugh. Was it just me, or did she seem a little taken aback when the house guests registered zero surprise at her big announcement? Doesn't production keep her informed about what the house guests get up to when they're not busy talking to her? Everybody (house guests and viewers and anybody not living under a rock) knew that those "coaches" were going to be officially allowed to play at some point. Most of us even suspected that America was going to get stuck with the blame.

     What nobody saw coming was the atrocity that followed. Once the "coaches" entered the game as players, the season was going to "reset". Julie explained for the slow-witted among us that a "reset" meant that there would be no eviction this week. My translation of this? No eviction of Asshole 1 OR Asshole 2.
     I will not repeat my obscenity laden response to this. I can't even remember most of it. I do remember that my husband laughed and laughed and laughed. And then he went and got the swear jar and put it in my lap. And then he laughed some more.

     Somebody's ass should get fired for this. I'm looking at you Allison Grodner. When you had Julie ask America to vote on whether the "coaches" should be allowed to play, you should have had her inform America that the "choice" you were having her pretend to give us would result in an entire week of the game being erased as if it never happened. America wouldn't have voted for this either, and you knew it, which is why you manipulated the outcome (your signature move). I swear I don't know why anybody would sign up to play this game any more. The deck is stacked and the house cheats.
    CBS has a long history of this kind of thing. Many years ago, when nighttime soap operas were all the rage, some brain trust that had been put in charge of Dallas wrecked the last season so badly that the honchos in charge of the brain trust ordered a final scene that would erase the season in its entirety. That "reset" that CBS threw up last night was Bobby in Pam's shower all over again. I'd be embarrassed for CBS if I wasn't so fucking pissed.

     My personal views of this ridiculousness aside, how unfair is this to the people that didn't sign up to play the game that CBS pretended America forced on them last night? Shouldn't somebody have consulted with them as to whether they wanted the "coaches" to be allowed to "officially" enter the game? And what about Shane? Shouldn't somebody have checked with him to see if he was down with his HOH reign resulting in a big fat zero? Maybe this is why most of the newbies have been behaving like puppets. CBS cast them that way.

     So now what? An endurance competition followed that ill-conceived fuckery (THANK YOU Colette Lala for my new favorite word) last night, and, according to the folks on Twitter, Danielle is the new HOH. Will anything she does this week matter? With Allison Grodner running this season into the ground, and in record time, it's anybody's guess. The only thing I know for certain is that, IF I continue to watch this fuckery (I LOVE that word), the swear jar is going to finance a trip to Disney World by the time it's all over.
     So tell us what you think. Do you want Allison Grodner's head on a pike on your front lawn Game of Thrones style? Or do you think that "resetting" Big Brother was a brilliantly conceived and well executed plan that should earn her a promotion and a nice raise? And what about her victims? What do you think she's going to do to them next? You've seen it. It's fair game. Let's talk about it.

Big Brother 14...Karma vs. Ironic Justice

     First, a few words to CBS regarding last night's episode. Stop editing Danielle's shameless and pathetic stalking of Shane into a showmance. You cannot turn a desperate woman clinging to an indifferent man into Jeff and Jordan. After enduring two seasons of Brenchel, most of us are still too nauseated to ever want to see anything that even slightly resembles two people attempting to couple. Thank you.

     Speaking of last night's episode, watching Janelle take credit for Frank being Shane's renom made me giggle. She was so full of her own cleverness, claiming to be the puppet master pulling the strings this week. No Janelle. No. It was Ian, incapable of talking game without Boogie there to do his talking for him, that triggered Britney's hair trigger paranoia and put Frank's life in the Big Brother house in peril. Incompetence gets the credit, not Janelle's lame offer of her jewelry as hostage in exchange for her loyalty to Shane and Britney.

     Which brings me to what promises to be the happiest moment of the season for me...the eviction of that loathsome excuse for a human being, Frank. Not that seeing Janelle at the mercy of Ironic Justice doesn't have its appeal, but Karma backdooring Frank is just so much better. I want to see him shocked and upset and parked next to Julie, who will, hopefully, do her job and pressure him to name the dysfunction that compelled him to lie about Willie being homophobic. Make him accountable Julie. We're counting on you.

     Of course, the inexplicable could happen and somebody (hopelessly in love with the idea of being in love Danielle, the probable swing vote) could decide to vote to evict Joe instead. While this is clearly not my favorite scenario, I could get all right with it fairly quickly. Joe's eviction would mean I would not have to tolerate that boorish shit stirrer shouting at me from my television any more. Not a bad thing. I also wouldn't mind Julie asking him if his troublemaking ways are genetic or a learned behavior. Anything that brings us a step closer to settling the nature vs. nurture debate is always welcome.
     Either way, tonight's eviction will eliminate someone that doesn't deserve to win; Frank, because he shouldn't benefit from that particular lie, and Joe, because being an asshole doesn't make him a worthy competitor, it just makes him an asshole. Too bad they both couldn't be kicked out the door with one vote. I wonder what kind of special power CBS could pretend that America granted could make that happen. I bet  I could think of one in the time that it takes me to fetch the mail. It can't be that hard. Allison Grodner does it all the time.
     So tell us what you think. Who do you want gone? And how much fun would you have watching Julie torture him until he breaks and begs forgiveness for his despicable behavior. You've seen it. It's fair game. Let's talk about it.