Survivor: Caramoan...Pretty People Problems

First, some clarification seems to be in order. Merriam-Webster defines a hasbeen as a person, especially one formerly popular, who continues in their field after their popularity has peaked and is now in decline. The "favorites" playing at Survivor this season never peaked. If they were remembered at all, it was for behaving in ways that were either loathsome, stupid, or certifiable. It is baffling that someone on Survivor's crack production team labelled them "favorites". I am certainly not about to perpetuate the travesty by slapping the title of "hasbeen" on them because, while it is not usually meant to be a compliment, it would be in this case and they don't deserve it any more than they deserve to be called "favorites". The exception is Malcolm whose popularity during his season places him squarely into both categories. I do not, as a hard and fast rule, support hasbeens, but, during a season of "favorites" where hasbeens have a legitimate place, I can root for Malcolm with impunity.

I sincerely hope that this has served to explain my position to the satisfaction of my twitter stalkers.

This week's installment of Crazy Running Amok opens with Brandon blowing his shit over Francesca being voted out first for the second time. This, apparently, is an atrocity that cannot go unpunished, prompting him to threaten antics that would make Uncle Russell look like a vulgar word for a specific lady part. Three whole days and the unstable are already showing signs of requiring soft restraints and powerful antipsychotics.

Speaking of people who are off their meds...Phillip is busy resurrecting Stealth R Us (which should have stayed dead) when he's not attempting (and failing) to channel Boston Rob. When Brandon refused to succumb to Phillip's cult leader speak, the certifiable, self-centered pot (Phillip) had the temerity to call the kettle (Brandon) crazy and narcissistic. *snickers*  My money's on "special agent Pink Panther Inspector Gadget" getting his pink undies kicked in the dirt by Lil Hantz, unless there's an intervention.

Life in the Gota camp is not much better. Shamar spends nineteen hours a day beached in the shade annoying the hell out of Reynold, who seems to be losing his mighty struggle to overcome his incapacitating adolescent mentality. As one of the Pretty People, Reynold reeks of entitlement and considers his advancement in the game a given. He confronted Shamar without provocation at camp, and barely gave that troublemaker Jeff a chance to ask him about Shamar at Tribal Council before running off at the mouth about Shamar's many failings as a fellow tribe member, his supposed to be hidden Immunity Idol bulging from the tight pants that he should have had the sense to leave at home where they belong. After a little prompting from Jeff (of course), Laura made everyone aware of it and Reynold got to rue picking vanity over practicality.

The brains powering the Pretty People was, supposedly, Allie, who was too busy frolicking with her new clique to notice that they were outnumbered and, therefore, in danger of being voted out of the game that she was there to play. She looked like she was hard at work on solving the mystery of all those pieces of paper with her name on them when Jeff snuffed her torch. And she was her alliance's best shot at making it to the Merge.

The thought that somebody in production could decide that these incompetents are our future "favorites" makes me cringe.

Survivor: Caramoan...Chronic Incompetence vs. Combative Idiocy

So...It seems that Survivor has poached Allison Grodner from Big Brother and is letting her make vital casting decisions. What other plausible explanation could there be for that sorry bunch of "favorites" that we were presented with on Wednesday night? I refuse to believe that Mark (Burnett) and Jeff (Probst) were responsible for screwing up such an important aspect of the game that badly.

I will not rip on all of them individually (yet), but, as a collective whole, the "favorites" are seriously lacking. If not for the opening clips narrated by Jeff, I would not have recalled who some of these people are, the only memorable returning players being so for acts of colossal stupidity (Erik) or for coming perilously close to requiring a three day lockdown for observation at a maximum security mental health facility (former federal agent Phillip). The only properly labeled "favorite" seems to be Malcolm, who some will probably complain in my Comments--I'm looking at you, Mike--has an unfair advantage over the other returning players because no one in the game has ever seen him play, his season not having aired before this season was filmed. To this I say, "Shut up, you malcontent", and "Go kick some ass, Malcom".

The season opener mostly revolved around the ridiculous grudge borne by Phillip, sporting shocking pink skivvies this time, toward Francesca, bent on burying a hatchet nobody cares about. Long and very boring story short...Francesca wins nothing but the dubious distinction of being the only player in Survivor history to be voted out first more than once. And I am forced to wonder (again) how she got picked for a season of Fans vs. Favorites.

Speaking of the "fans"...All we really know about them is that perpetual adolescence has fostered a Cool Kids Alliance (oh please) and two of its members, Reynold and Allie, made a secret alliance, only to out themselves by playing grab-ass at bedtime. We also got to see Shamar inexplicably picking a fight with Matt, and resting on his lazy butt while the rest of his tribe was hard at work on the shelter. All of which begs the question...Have these people ever seen this show? Real fans wouldn't make such rookie mistakes.

The presence of incompetent "fans" might explain the bizarre selection of "favorites". It levels the playing field. *sighs* It's going to be a long season.