Survivor: Philippines...A Low Down Dirty Deal

     WARNING:  The Detroit Tigers are playing in the World Series like the team that trailed the White Sox all season. And Tigers fans from northern Michigan who have been relocated to San Francisco should not be seen in public wearing their brand new American League Champions T-shirts while said champions are getting their asses handed to them a few miles away. It makes us the object of public ridicule or contempt, depending on which kind of Giants fan we encounter. My mood is now spectacularly foul. No one is safe.

     When is a reward not a reward? When it is reduced to the equivalent of a pot full of uncooked rice and haggled over by two old coots (hasbeen Jonathan Penner and hasbeen Michael Skupin). So, what had been a down and dirty old school Survivor challenge ended abruptly with a poorly brokered deal and no clear winners. Just a bunch of losers.

     My disgust is outweighed only by my disappointment. How could Jeff (Probst) allow such an atrocity to occur? Isn't it his job to keep the idiocy in check? *sighs heavily* This season, Survivor had been showing signs of returning to its former greatness--Survivors on the verge of starvation, picnics instead of feasts as rewards, challenges requiring the Survivors to "dig deep"--and then Jeff had to go and enable those slackers to quit mid-challenge. He could have gone for a pedicure instead of refereeing, like he did last season. The result would have been the same.

     Speaking of Jeff...I never know which version of him will show up. Will we get snarky Jeff relentlessly ragging on the terminally lazy (Abi), the hopelessly useless (Katie), the dangerously clumsy (Michael), and the annoying simply because he cannot help himself (Jonathan)? Or will we get compassionate Jeff who helps those incapable of expressing themselves at Tribal Council by translating for them (Katie again) and gently covers the seriously ill with his own outwear (Dana)? Or the version of Jeff that I hope to never see again, the one that is as defeated as the shirkers posing as Survivors this season? For the record, snarky Jeff is my favorite. He pushes those people to be the Survivors that they promised to be and doesn't let them get away with anything.

     Which brings us to the latest Survivor pretender to be kicked off the island by a unanimous vote. Katie considers her current occupation to be former Miss Delaware and she sported hooker hoops in the jungle. Enough said.
     As for the actual Survivors on those tribes...I will get to them next time when I'm, hopefully, a much happier Tigers fan and, consequently, in the right mood to praise those that have earned it.
     Who might I be referring to? Hint: I didn't mention any of them in this post.
     Go Tigers! Please?

Survivor: Philippines...A Tropical Outpost of CrazyTown

     I am confused. While Survivor does occasionally offer up the token eccentric (Coach Wade, Phillip Sheppard), it cannot be said that this CBS show presents a veritable cornucopia of certifiable loonies, probably because Allison Grodner hogs them all over at Big Brother where she must have a quota to fill. Yet, for some inexplicable reason, there are two candidates (so far) for a mandatory lockdown at the mental health facility most conveniently located for their families and friends.

     Dawson is the twenty-eight year-old insurance salesperson completely flummoxed by fire. She drew the ire of fellow crazy, Abi, by pulling her hair (and then denying it) during the Reward Challenge, and got herself called a bitch. She was part of the problem rather than the solution to the puzzle portion of the Immunity Challenge. She demonstrated a shortage of common sense by deliberately antagonizing Jeff Kent right before Tribal Council. Then she was "blindsided" by a unanimous vote to get rid of her because she was too preoccupied with her tribe's upcoming "date" with Jeff Probst at Tribal Council to be aware that she was in trouble.

     Which brings us to that acutely awkward and creepy moment (that seemed to drag on forever) when she got her torch snuffed. She stared at Jeff with an intensity reminiscent of Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction that would have made me concerned for his well-being had the show not been prerecorded. The gawky hug and kiss that followed were cringeworthy enough without the disturbing narrative that followed. Apparently, Dawson has a bizarre list of demands of Jeff Kent (more evidence of her dysfunctional thinking) and one of them is a pink gun. Which begs the question...Are reality game show hosts eligible for government sponsored relocation programs?
     I also can't help but wonder who else on those tribes flunked their psych eval.

Survivor: Philippines...No Superheroes Here

     What is the difference between a superhero and a regular guy?  Apparently, superheroes don't throw hissy fits that would put a preschooler to shame, and regular guys (the narcissistic ones, anyway) get blindsided by their tribe at Tribal Council because they expect to be kept over people outperforming them.

     Russell liked to remind us on a regular basis that he nearly died the last time he played Survivor, and then attempted to prove his readiness to die playing it again by collapsing in exhaustion at every Immunity Challenge. He showcased his incompetence with his ineffectual search for the hidden immunity idol. He labored under the delusion that his "attitude of excellence" entitled him to a victory. *scratches head in confusion* By "attitude of excellence", he wouldn't be referring to his non-leadership skills that led to the dismantling of his tribe, would he? Or is an "attitude of excellence" what causes grown men to smash pots and holler at God when they lose? *shrugs shoulders* Whatever it is, it got his torch snuffed, and gave those of us that don't like vets contaminating our reality game shows a reason to express our delight in ways that we wouldn't want our teenage daughters (the ones that know what a hypocrite is) to know we do.

     Unfortunately, Russell's exit may not be delightful for those that he left behind. I predict that Jeff will be splitting them up and shipping them to separate tribes, where I don't expect them to fare very well, in spite of their impressive resumes, or, maybe, because of them.

     Malcolm's and Denise's best chance of surviving the termination of Matsing would be exile to Kalabaw, where each of them could be seen as a potential ally for either the female alliance or the male alliance (depending on which one of them draws the lucky buff), but will be expendable once the opposing alliance is either weakened or destroyed. The holder of the unlucky buff will be exiled to Tandang, which could be a death sentence. Tandang is where Abi lives.

     Early in the game, RC found the clue to the whereabouts of the immunity idol hidden at the Tandang camp and shared it with Abi. The besties then hid the clue in a mutually agreed upon secret location. Some time later, Abi picked a fight with RC for no discernible reason, threatened RC, shared RC's clue with Pete, found the hidden immunity idol with Pete using RC's clue, and kept the whole thing secret from RC. Pete, seeing an opportunity to create chaos and dissension, retrieved the clue from its hiding place and planted it among RC's belongings, where it was spotted by Abi, who, predictably, came unhinged. According to Tandang's chief betrayer of trust and blabber of secrets, RC broke her trust. Mental health professionals call that projection. Judges call that (combined with the threats) grounds for a restraining order.
     The "outlast" part of this game has a crazy new significance this season. Emphasis on crazy.
     The Tigers won their ALDS last night, so I will be celebrating in the most responsible (good example setting) way currently available to me. You can find me at Barnes and Noble. I will be the one in the classics section, reeking of white chocolate mocha lattes and biscotti. Hope to see you there.

Survivor: Philippines...Tales Of A Pageant Princess

     My other favorite hypocrites are the purely decorative ones. They have backgrounds steeped in pageantry and modeling contracts. They take inventory of the males in their vicinity and then attach themselves to the ones they deem most likely to protect them from hardship and solve their problems for them. And, best of all, they have a penchant for rewriting history as a means of avoiding taking responsibility for their actions, or lack thereof as the case may be.

     In a tribe rife with contradictions--a non-leader that bosses everyone around (Russell) and a "legit fit, army strong warrior" that was useless in physical challenges (Roxy)--Angie is the quitter that "never gives up" and, therefore, an ideal candidate for card carrying membership to the "goon squad of tribes".

     Miss Utah Teen USA 2010 is a self-proclaimed sports enthusiast that is "extremely competitive", yet she struggled to retrieve a puzzle piece submerged in two feet of water. One of her biggest pet peeves is lazy people, yet she refused to return to the water (sound familiar?), forcing Malcolm and Denise to take three turns apiece.

     The three-time losers returned to Tribal Council, where Matsing's latest hypocrite to occupy the hot seat asserts her non-culpability in their defeat at the Immunity Challenge by insisting that she never gave up during the challenge and blaming Russell for being a quitter. I am sure that, in the Happy Land of Denial going on in her head, this is true and just.

     Not so, in the Ticked Off Land of the Unjustly Accused going on in Russell's. He pronounces Angie's "revisionist history" a failure and dumps the blame back on Angie. Actually, Malcolm had it right. Russell and Angie were both to blame for Matsing's loss. It may be that Russell owned more of the responsibility than Angie, depending on your views regarding wasting exorbitant amounts of time with zero to show for it during challenges.

     The blame game resulted in a loss for Angie, who was sent packing by a unanimous vote, and for Malcolm, who is going to have to face those chilly island nights without his cuddle bunny.

     In other tribal news, Michael managed to carve up his face diving into the water while wearing a mask meant for snorkeling. *shakes head in disbelief* His medical insurance premiums must be through the roof. Also, Sybil, er, Abi has turned on her bestie, RC, and managed to locate the hidden immunity idol at the Tandang camp with the help of new bestie, Pete. I predict that it won't be long before Abi turns on him too, and then RC and Pete can start sleeping in shifts.
     So, what are your predictions? Who will survive the goon squad? Will Michael survive Survivor? And, if he does, will he be eligible for disability when he gets home? You've seen it. It's fair game. Let's talk about it.

Survivor: Philippines...Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor's Booby Trap

     My favorite hypocrites are the religious ones. They cloak themselves in Christianity, which they seem to believe empowers them to sit in self-righteous judgement of others. While they can be intensely annoying when they park themselves at my dining room table on Christmas Day and proceed to criticize everything, including the people feeding them, they can have incredible entertainment value when parading their hypocrisy on reality television.

     This is Roxy. She is a seminary student *snickers* who woke up on her fifth day in the Philippines and declared Matsing's resident cuddlers, Malcolm and Angie, a dangerous pair that needed to be separated. She proceeded to recruit Russell to her cause, which seemed to be fueled more by jealousy than strategy, her arguments in support of her case including statements like, "It's like Miss America all day long" and "They (Malcolm and Angie) are up each other's butts". Not exactly compelling, is it?

     The chronic malcontent's best chance to save herself was the Immunity Challenge, where she flat out refused to run a second leg, citing water deficiency as if her fellow tribe members were not suffering from the same affliction. Matsing's subsequent loss, despite Denise's decent puzzle calling skills which kept the tribe competitive, ratcheted tensions at camp, where Roxy, in all her hypocritical glory, actually tells Russell that Angie, who ran the second leg that Roxy refused, is lazy.

     The nonsense continued at Tribal Council, where Roxy (age 28) and Angie (age 20) engaged in escalating teenage girl verbal warfare. Roxy won the battle, labeling Malcolm's and Angie's professed brother/sister relationship "creepy", and, the coup de grace, announcing that Angie "booby trapped" Malcolm into an alliance. Roxy's immediate apology was insincere, being offered in the same tone that my teenage daughter and her teenage frenemies use on each other all the time, and was not enough to keep her from losing the war, her tribe sending her home with a unanimous vote.

     What's going on in the other tribes? Not much. In Tandang, Michael is sporting new injuries, Lisa's introverted ways are continuing to paste a rather large target on her back, and Abi is displaying disturbing cutthroat bitch tendencies with her threats regarding RC (to her face and behind her back). And, in Kalabaw, Jonathan ransacked the camp until he finally figured out where to find the hidden immunity idol, and Jeff is playing rock checkers in the rain and nursing his sore knee. All pretty tame compared to the drama in the Matsing camp.
     So, what's next for the beleaguered Matsing? I am inclined to agree with Russell. They need to "get their heads out of their butts, or go home". My money's on go home.

Survivor: Philippines...Following The Non-Leader

     I want them gone. All three of them. I've already seen them play this game, and, two of them, I had hoped to never have to see again. Yet, here they are, courtesy of the brain trust in charge of making these critical decisions (that would be Mark Burnett et. al), defiling the game and annoying the hell out of me.

     This is my current favorite, Jeff. There's a reason he didn't waste the summer as a feckless idiot over on Big Brother. He is not anybody's puppet. He is a survivor playing for a million dollars, and no "returning player" that's been foisted on his tribe by a double-dealing group of executive producers is going to be allowed to mess with the game that he signed up for. The first item of business on his agenda? Call a tribe meeting, minus the hasbeen (Jonathan Penner), and plot said hasbeen's demise. With a first place win in the Immunity Challenge and a plan to rid themselves of Jonathan at the first opportunity, the Kalabaw tribe is off to a good start.

     The same cannot be said of Matsing, the clear losers in the "returning player" lottery. They got stuck with Russell Swan, who informed them that he would not be their leader right before he started issuing orders. His tribe plotted to purge themselves of his incompetent "non-leadership", but dead weight Zane, who had to be dragged during his leg of the Immunity Challenge, scapegoated himself for the tribe's loss and volunteered to be the first survivor voted out. Russell caught a break this time, but if all the eye rolling and lip pursing at Tribal Council were any indication of Angie's and Roxy's true feelings for him, then it would certainly seem that his days are numbered.

     The only "returning player" currently with the proverbial snowball's chance is Michael Skupin, who has been warmly received by his fellow Tandangs and is allied with all of them. The only obstacle threatening his game at this point is his own terminal klutziness, which could get him removed from the game for medical reasons (again) unless he starts handling pointy objects with more caution and treads more carefully when he wanders the beach in his bare feet.

     It's too soon to form solid opinions of individual survivors, but, based on my first impressions of the tribes, Kalabaw is the most solid in terms of unity and is my pick to make it to the merge (or tribe shuffle) mostly intact, hopefully minus a hasbeen.
     So, what are your first impressions? Which tribe will dominate? Kalabaw or Tandang? How long will it take for Matsing to self-destruct under Russell's "non-leadership"? Or will they manage to cut him loose before his "redemption" becomes their termination? You've seen it. It's fair game. Let's talk about it.

Note: The amazing gif of Jeff is the work of the creative geniuses over at survivorsucks.yuku.com.

Big Brother 14...The Price Of Arrogance

     It seemed like Dan's game to lose. He had successfully perpetrated the longest con in the history of Big Brother and executed what many agree are the boldest moves the game has ever seen. So, what happened? The "master" made a mistake. He underestimated the impact that his lies, manipulations, and betrayals would have on the people in charge of his fate.

     Britney reminds us during the staged jury deliberations that Big Brother is a game without rules, but it is the heinous liar in the role of pot that cries foul, declaring the kettle to be in violation of the rules of life. Apparently, some acts of immorality are not to be tolerated when anyone other than Frank commits them.
     I have always opposed the decisions of emotional juries. I think that votes should be cast based on game play, not to avenge real or perceived wrongs. But, when a player behaves the way that Dan did last night, then jury nullification is the inevitable result.

     A successful player on any reality game show usually has a good social game. Dan either forgot this or deemed it unimportant when it counted the most. He was glib as he proudly acknowledged that he played a ruthless game and checked his morals at the door. He attempted to discredit Ian every time Ian spoke by talking over him or shaking his head in disagreement. He told a lie involving a jury member, which Ian immediately disputed. He shamelessly pandered to the jury while they were voting, showering them with compliments that rang with the same truth as everything else he spoke this season. He was overconfident, insincere, and he reeked of entitlement. And that's when I knew that he was going to lose.

     Ian was a justifiable alternative for the jury. He was everything that Dan was not. He spoke to them with respect, and from the heart. He could cite his competitive wins and moves that furthered his game, relying on "probability, statistics, and heart" rather than the practices often associated with a "dirty" game. His most compelling argument? Dan's advantage at the beginning of the game, being awarded "three lives" to Ian's "one". It was more than enough for a jury looking for valid reasons to not award Dan the prize money. And give those of us that opposed the vets being allowed to play this season a reason to celebrate.
     Anybody that wants me today knows where to find me.
     What's Fair Game now that Big Brother is ended? Survivor: Philippines, of course. I have a few choice words regarding those "returning players"...