Survivor: Philippines...A Low Down Dirty Deal

     WARNING:  The Detroit Tigers are playing in the World Series like the team that trailed the White Sox all season. And Tigers fans from northern Michigan who have been relocated to San Francisco should not be seen in public wearing their brand new American League Champions T-shirts while said champions are getting their asses handed to them a few miles away. It makes us the object of public ridicule or contempt, depending on which kind of Giants fan we encounter. My mood is now spectacularly foul. No one is safe.

     When is a reward not a reward? When it is reduced to the equivalent of a pot full of uncooked rice and haggled over by two old coots (hasbeen Jonathan Penner and hasbeen Michael Skupin). So, what had been a down and dirty old school Survivor challenge ended abruptly with a poorly brokered deal and no clear winners. Just a bunch of losers.

     My disgust is outweighed only by my disappointment. How could Jeff (Probst) allow such an atrocity to occur? Isn't it his job to keep the idiocy in check? *sighs heavily* This season, Survivor had been showing signs of returning to its former greatness--Survivors on the verge of starvation, picnics instead of feasts as rewards, challenges requiring the Survivors to "dig deep"--and then Jeff had to go and enable those slackers to quit mid-challenge. He could have gone for a pedicure instead of refereeing, like he did last season. The result would have been the same.

     Speaking of Jeff...I never know which version of him will show up. Will we get snarky Jeff relentlessly ragging on the terminally lazy (Abi), the hopelessly useless (Katie), the dangerously clumsy (Michael), and the annoying simply because he cannot help himself (Jonathan)? Or will we get compassionate Jeff who helps those incapable of expressing themselves at Tribal Council by translating for them (Katie again) and gently covers the seriously ill with his own outwear (Dana)? Or the version of Jeff that I hope to never see again, the one that is as defeated as the shirkers posing as Survivors this season? For the record, snarky Jeff is my favorite. He pushes those people to be the Survivors that they promised to be and doesn't let them get away with anything.

     Which brings us to the latest Survivor pretender to be kicked off the island by a unanimous vote. Katie considers her current occupation to be former Miss Delaware and she sported hooker hoops in the jungle. Enough said.
     As for the actual Survivors on those tribes...I will get to them next time when I'm, hopefully, a much happier Tigers fan and, consequently, in the right mood to praise those that have earned it.
     Who might I be referring to? Hint: I didn't mention any of them in this post.
     Go Tigers! Please?

Survivor: Philippines...A Tropical Outpost of CrazyTown

     I am confused. While Survivor does occasionally offer up the token eccentric (Coach Wade, Phillip Sheppard), it cannot be said that this CBS show presents a veritable cornucopia of certifiable loonies, probably because Allison Grodner hogs them all over at Big Brother where she must have a quota to fill. Yet, for some inexplicable reason, there are two candidates (so far) for a mandatory lockdown at the mental health facility most conveniently located for their families and friends.

     Dawson is the twenty-eight year-old insurance salesperson completely flummoxed by fire. She drew the ire of fellow crazy, Abi, by pulling her hair (and then denying it) during the Reward Challenge, and got herself called a bitch. She was part of the problem rather than the solution to the puzzle portion of the Immunity Challenge. She demonstrated a shortage of common sense by deliberately antagonizing Jeff Kent right before Tribal Council. Then she was "blindsided" by a unanimous vote to get rid of her because she was too preoccupied with her tribe's upcoming "date" with Jeff Probst at Tribal Council to be aware that she was in trouble.

     Which brings us to that acutely awkward and creepy moment (that seemed to drag on forever) when she got her torch snuffed. She stared at Jeff with an intensity reminiscent of Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction that would have made me concerned for his well-being had the show not been prerecorded. The gawky hug and kiss that followed were cringeworthy enough without the disturbing narrative that followed. Apparently, Dawson has a bizarre list of demands of Jeff Kent (more evidence of her dysfunctional thinking) and one of them is a pink gun. Which begs the question...Are reality game show hosts eligible for government sponsored relocation programs?
     I also can't help but wonder who else on those tribes flunked their psych eval.

Survivor: Philippines...No Superheroes Here

     What is the difference between a superhero and a regular guy?  Apparently, superheroes don't throw hissy fits that would put a preschooler to shame, and regular guys (the narcissistic ones, anyway) get blindsided by their tribe at Tribal Council because they expect to be kept over people outperforming them.

     Russell liked to remind us on a regular basis that he nearly died the last time he played Survivor, and then attempted to prove his readiness to die playing it again by collapsing in exhaustion at every Immunity Challenge. He showcased his incompetence with his ineffectual search for the hidden immunity idol. He labored under the delusion that his "attitude of excellence" entitled him to a victory. *scratches head in confusion* By "attitude of excellence", he wouldn't be referring to his non-leadership skills that led to the dismantling of his tribe, would he? Or is an "attitude of excellence" what causes grown men to smash pots and holler at God when they lose? *shrugs shoulders* Whatever it is, it got his torch snuffed, and gave those of us that don't like vets contaminating our reality game shows a reason to express our delight in ways that we wouldn't want our teenage daughters (the ones that know what a hypocrite is) to know we do.

     Unfortunately, Russell's exit may not be delightful for those that he left behind. I predict that Jeff will be splitting them up and shipping them to separate tribes, where I don't expect them to fare very well, in spite of their impressive resumes, or, maybe, because of them.

     Malcolm's and Denise's best chance of surviving the termination of Matsing would be exile to Kalabaw, where each of them could be seen as a potential ally for either the female alliance or the male alliance (depending on which one of them draws the lucky buff), but will be expendable once the opposing alliance is either weakened or destroyed. The holder of the unlucky buff will be exiled to Tandang, which could be a death sentence. Tandang is where Abi lives.

     Early in the game, RC found the clue to the whereabouts of the immunity idol hidden at the Tandang camp and shared it with Abi. The besties then hid the clue in a mutually agreed upon secret location. Some time later, Abi picked a fight with RC for no discernible reason, threatened RC, shared RC's clue with Pete, found the hidden immunity idol with Pete using RC's clue, and kept the whole thing secret from RC. Pete, seeing an opportunity to create chaos and dissension, retrieved the clue from its hiding place and planted it among RC's belongings, where it was spotted by Abi, who, predictably, came unhinged. According to Tandang's chief betrayer of trust and blabber of secrets, RC broke her trust. Mental health professionals call that projection. Judges call that (combined with the threats) grounds for a restraining order.
     The "outlast" part of this game has a crazy new significance this season. Emphasis on crazy.
     The Tigers won their ALDS last night, so I will be celebrating in the most responsible (good example setting) way currently available to me. You can find me at Barnes and Noble. I will be the one in the classics section, reeking of white chocolate mocha lattes and biscotti. Hope to see you there.

Survivor: Philippines...Tales Of A Pageant Princess

     My other favorite hypocrites are the purely decorative ones. They have backgrounds steeped in pageantry and modeling contracts. They take inventory of the males in their vicinity and then attach themselves to the ones they deem most likely to protect them from hardship and solve their problems for them. And, best of all, they have a penchant for rewriting history as a means of avoiding taking responsibility for their actions, or lack thereof as the case may be.

     In a tribe rife with contradictions--a non-leader that bosses everyone around (Russell) and a "legit fit, army strong warrior" that was useless in physical challenges (Roxy)--Angie is the quitter that "never gives up" and, therefore, an ideal candidate for card carrying membership to the "goon squad of tribes".

     Miss Utah Teen USA 2010 is a self-proclaimed sports enthusiast that is "extremely competitive", yet she struggled to retrieve a puzzle piece submerged in two feet of water. One of her biggest pet peeves is lazy people, yet she refused to return to the water (sound familiar?), forcing Malcolm and Denise to take three turns apiece.

     The three-time losers returned to Tribal Council, where Matsing's latest hypocrite to occupy the hot seat asserts her non-culpability in their defeat at the Immunity Challenge by insisting that she never gave up during the challenge and blaming Russell for being a quitter. I am sure that, in the Happy Land of Denial going on in her head, this is true and just.

     Not so, in the Ticked Off Land of the Unjustly Accused going on in Russell's. He pronounces Angie's "revisionist history" a failure and dumps the blame back on Angie. Actually, Malcolm had it right. Russell and Angie were both to blame for Matsing's loss. It may be that Russell owned more of the responsibility than Angie, depending on your views regarding wasting exorbitant amounts of time with zero to show for it during challenges.

     The blame game resulted in a loss for Angie, who was sent packing by a unanimous vote, and for Malcolm, who is going to have to face those chilly island nights without his cuddle bunny.

     In other tribal news, Michael managed to carve up his face diving into the water while wearing a mask meant for snorkeling. *shakes head in disbelief* His medical insurance premiums must be through the roof. Also, Sybil, er, Abi has turned on her bestie, RC, and managed to locate the hidden immunity idol at the Tandang camp with the help of new bestie, Pete. I predict that it won't be long before Abi turns on him too, and then RC and Pete can start sleeping in shifts.
     So, what are your predictions? Who will survive the goon squad? Will Michael survive Survivor? And, if he does, will he be eligible for disability when he gets home? You've seen it. It's fair game. Let's talk about it.